Okay, enough’s enough. I can’t take the news anymore. I’m just gonna come right out and say what we’ve all been thinking:
I don’t give a shit that Beyoncé is pregnant with twins.
Whew! Oh, god! I feel so much better now! The tension has left my body!
And man, if only I had a nickel for every time I announced my pregnancy wearing a diamond-encrusted G-string and a solid gold porcupine crown.
So this winter’s been particularly…uh…challenging for us Maineiacs. We’ve had about 25 Nor’eastahs in a span of one week. Roughly 5,000 inches of snow. But it’s the powdery fluffy kind, so it’s all good…
Three days ago, we sent Pa Ingalls out with a shovel and a pair of snowshoes to go fetch us some Dunkin Donut’s coffee and he never returned. The wimpy-ass bastard. All snow and no coffee makes Darla a dull girl. And super bitchy.
But like I said — the snow is plentiful. Great for skiers! Yeah! Hit the slopes! The skiing will be FANTASTIC. Hooray!
Fuck the skiers and fuck all your stupid snow.
Don’t you hate that? Seeing those people with the goofy grins plastered on their faces. All happy and jazzed about winter. Getting exercise. Enjoying life. It’s unnatural! Everyone knows you’re supposed to stay inside and chug Dunkin coffee while bitching about how rich everyone is at the Grammys.
This week we also had that annoying “made-up” holiday, Valentine’s Day. You know what other holidays are made-up? Pretty much all of them.
I’m sorry I’m hating on Beyoncé, skiing, and that guy in the top hat holding a pissed off giant rat. I blame the 12-foot wall of snow that has me trapped here on my couch. If only there were something else to get steamed about…something in the news on TV that really burned my britches enough so that I could jump on Facebook and shove my unsolicited opinion in everyone’s faces.
I got nuthin.
Meanwhile, tell me how your winter’s going so I can live vicariously through you.