All Snow and No Play Makes Darla Cray Cray

Okay, enough’s enough. I can’t take the news anymore. I’m just gonna come right out and say what we’ve all been thinking:

I don’t give a shit that Beyoncé is pregnant with twins.

Whew! Oh, god! I feel so much better now! The tension has left my body!

Cue the angel choir

And man, if only I had a nickel for every time I announced my pregnancy wearing a diamond-encrusted G-string and a solid gold porcupine crown.

So this winter’s been particularly…uh…challenging for us Maineiacs. We’ve had about 25 Nor’eastahs in a span of one week. Roughly 5,000 inches of snow. But it’s the powdery fluffy kind, so it’s all good…

…for them — 7 snow days and counting

Three days ago, we sent Pa Ingalls out with a shovel and a pair of snowshoes to go fetch us some Dunkin Donut’s coffee and he never returned. The wimpy-ass bastard. All snow and no coffee makes Darla a dull girl. And super bitchy.

But like I said — the snow is plentiful. Great for skiers! Yeah! Hit the slopes! The skiing will be FANTASTIC. Hooray!


Fuck the skiers and fuck all your stupid snow.

Don’t you hate that? Seeing those people with the goofy grins plastered on their faces. All happy and jazzed about winter.  Getting exercise. Enjoying life. It’s unnatural! Everyone knows you’re supposed to stay inside and chug Dunkin coffee while bitching about how rich everyone is at the Grammys.

CeeLo Green after his Liquid Gold Diet went awry.

This week we also had that annoying “made-up” holiday, Valentine’s Day. You know what other holidays are made-up? Pretty much all of them.

slide1I’m sorry I’m hating on Beyoncé, skiing, and that guy in the top hat holding a pissed off giant rat. I blame the 12-foot wall of snow that has me trapped here on my couch. If only there were something else to get steamed about…something in the news on TV that really burned my britches enough so that I could jump on Facebook and shove my unsolicited opinion in everyone’s faces.

I got nuthin.

Meanwhile, tell me how your winter’s going so I can live vicariously through you.

83 thoughts on “All Snow and No Play Makes Darla Cray Cray

  1. lol you won’t live vicariously through me, my friend. I, too, am in Maine where we are getting another *&^(*&^&^)*&_()* foot of snow tonight. And where, pray tell, are we supposed to move that at 4 am so we can hit the road and be at work on time and cheerful? It’s freaking ridiculous to get the whole winter’s worth of snow in a week. I should have been a darned teacher.

    1. They said we will get 12 to 14 inches of heavy wet snow tonight. And I actually just shrugged and said, “Eh.” See what this winter has done? It’s made me incapable of freaking out about a storm. I consider today’s storm a dusting.

      1. lol – and it turns out that they were wrong, at least here, about the depth – we got about 6 inches, I would guess. Sadly it is heavy, but the sun is out and I like that – we will get a bit of melting. I can feel March approaching…

  2. I feel you. Right about now (mid-February), winter in Maine seems endless. My check-liver light is probably going to come on any day now because chardonnay is my coping mechanism. Hubs and I are getting the hell out to spend a week or so in the California desert, however. But the only thing that’ll be drying out out there is my skin.

    1. Ah, chardonnay! That’s the stuff! I’ll send Pa Ingalls out for another bottle if he ever comes back. Enjoy your Cali vaca! I can almost imagine myself there if I close my eyes and pass out from all this chardonnay….

  3. Sorry Darla, can only offer you rain just now. (And I’m also sick of the Twins sagas of Beyonce and Mrs Clooney, and Cheryl ex Girls Aloud being/being not/is she/isn’t she/ bump alert/oh yes she is/ and the Kardashian Klan getting their visogs on the news yet again for nothing in particular apart from a big arse and big boobs.)

    1. Ooh! I must have missed the Clooney thing. Is she pregnant with quintuplets? Is he pregnant with quintuplets? Isn’t George like 110 now? His wife will have to visit him in the nursing home after she drops the kids off at preschool.

  4. So agree with you about Beyonce. So happy Adele cleaned up at Grammy’s though I had to wait to hear about it until the next day as I do not watch award shows.
    Am so sick of Beyonce. Up to here.
    We have not had a lot of snow in southwestern Ontario so I cannot complain about that–though I can complain about paying ahead of time for snow removal and there is no snow to remove–alas, I bet you wish you could complain about that. Love you, Love your grumpiness.

    1. I suppose I like Beyonce and all, but her ego is blowing up almost as big as Kim Kardashian’s. I can only handle one super rich and clueless celeb at a time.

      And I’m happy that you enjoyed my grumpiness. I don’t drop the F-bomb often, but this winter has really pushed me over the edge.

  5. We lucked out here in PA this year but I feel ya. Last year we got 3 feet from one storm. Snow gods must’ve been bored. But this year, not much at all. And I’m glad because I hate cabin fever!

  6. Add some whiskey to that Dunkin’ Darla. We have lucked out here in NoVA, but I’m sure it will snow in the next few days. My snowblower (aka husband) is going away.

    1. Is it bad that I’m drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle while I’m typing this comment?

      I was the snowblower the last storm (20 inches of snow). My husband goes to work super early in the morning so I was out there for over an hour shoveling and snowblowing like mad. My poor back is shot to hell.

  7. Look at the bright side… Errrmmm… Aaahhh… Okay. Can I get back to you on that bright side thing?

    You should get a knock on your door any moment now. It’ll be the Beyoncé Thought Police and they have snow shoes. There’s an algorithm that will lead them to your blog.

    1. I fell asleep during the Grammys several times. The first time I woke up, Adele was swearing and restarting her song. So I went back to sleep. The second time I woke up I saw a freaky gold man and thought I should lay off the sleep meds.

  8. Heartafire

    I got nothing about the snow, we haven’t had a winter here! The flowers are still blooming! Thank God someone said it, Beyonce…go away.

      1. We’re supposed to hit 62 today. 62! In February! I’m not complaining,…well, I guess I am. I’m thrilled and all, but it’s not natural for Illinois. Looks like Maine is hoarding all the snow (and resulting snow-days, as Tar so eloquently complained below.)

  9. We need a big snowstorm nowsabout in Michigan. I’m ready for a snow day. Not 7, but maybe one, or a 2-HR delay. Just something! Yet again, we’re already going midway into June so, … delayed gratification or now? Hang in there, Ms. Darlasnowsquallinski!

  10. Relax...

    Enjoyed this immensely! Our forecast is nowhere near Gray, Maine other than same continent (many say), but Gray is our official issuer of worse news. If the local forecast says 3-5″ every couple of days, now, Gray says, “Bend over and kiss your sorry ass goodbye — there are 12-14″ more coming after that. Stay calm but stay in and pretend to be a pothos.” Also, Queen Bey? Oy.. CeeLo is pregnant, too, right? Triplets? Gold people drive me nuts!

    1. A weatherman on channel six actually put on his snowfall map something like, “CRUSH ZONE” for my region. yeah, my soul is crushed, the winter is slowly killing me. Thank god next week we’ll be sunny and warm (40s!)

  11. *chuckle* Actually, I was LOLing. You’re hilarious, Darla! Thanks for the laughs. Sorry you’re snowed in. I have an almost complete manuscript of a novel about magic and fairies I could send you… You’d be asleep in no time! 😉

    Here’s to the warmth of summer,

  12. Thanks for the laugh, Dar. I think we just have sent our winter up there. Still in flip-flops and shorts here (not complainin’) which means the mosquitoes will be three feet tall and HUNGRY come summer. Cheers, Lady!

  13. SickChristine

    I live in south Florida and it’s going to be 75 here today, but I’ll just keep that to myself. I’m cranky in good weather. I have no idea how I’d deal with what you’re going through. I didn’t watch the Grammy’s, never do, and I’m ambivalent about Bey’s twins. I’m totally with you on that one.

  14. I just can’t “stomache” Queen Be. I am also greatfull for your having the decency to say Fuck Her.

    But besides all of that nonesense bullshit. It is really fucking cold here right now. The got dang heat is running. ( hate that ) and I have sweats and long sleeves.

    Currently 43 degrees fahrenheit . That is fuckin cold for this part of central Florida. I hope you can appreciate that. Have a little compassion or empathy. Ya know man ?

    It’s cool though temps ‘ll be back up in the fuckin 80’s in a day er two.

    Thank you for sharing that post though. Love the pics of snow . I air originally from Vermont. The Green Mountain State .

    14th state in the union. I used to be used to snow. LoL ❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄

  15. Twins, twins, everywhere and my uterus is all dried up! I will never get the chance to wear gold sparkles and a sparkly bikini to announce my ability to reproduce… alas. As for winter, this has been a weird ass winter here!! No kids at home, so what’s a snow day? But we’ve had a lot of them, when normally, we have no snow all winter, except in the mountains. I’m sure it’s #45’s fault. Except, it’s fun snow… so no, it must be Obama. Fun. Obama. Your snow is #45’s fault… 😉

    1. Yikes! That is crazy. As much as I complain about the snow, I’d take that over most other weather like tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, etc. It can be pretty to watch snow fall from the comfort of your home. As long as I don’t have to go out in the stuff, I’m good.

  16. Well cant complain about snow here in NYC – not yet anyway.
    we had a little but not much to talk about…but March isn’t here yet. Meantime 70 degree weather is delightful….I am not a snow person…

  17. I would suggest leaving Maine once and for all but you’d have to change your blog name. Not worth it.

    This is my first year living somewhere with a mild winter in 30 years. This is also the first time I didn’t gain 5 pounds during the winter. I actually lost weight. My entire adult life has followed the pattern of gaining 5 pounds during those long winters of no physical activity mixed with the existentially-calming influence of beer, and then spending the rest of the year working to lose 3 of those 5 pounds.

  18. Throw grapes at me, go ahead. Now…here’s my winter…one brief snow of about six inches, and then pretty much sunny and seventy-ish. Okay, some days sixty, one or two kinda cold days. Come south Darla, until summer, and then you’ll go running back to Maine. Haha. One word…humidity.

Tell me about it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s