Hey, losers! It’s me, the President of the United States.
Yes, I am still here.
No, I don’t want to be here anymore.
So please enjoy my top 11 Reasons Why Being Prez Sucks Bigly Time:
11) Thought it would be more like that movie where the bratty kid gets all the ice cream in the world served to him in a king-sized bed.
10) No hookers.
9) No p*****s worth grabbing anywhere, let me tell you.
8) White House staff didn’t like my idea of putting Sean Spicer and James Comey inside a massive hedge maze with one bag of Doritos, an ax, and no way out.
7) All these meetings with all the talk-talk-talk and blah-blah-blah and this-n-that and poopie-doopie-doo. Just shut the hell up and let me nap.
6) Me no likey thinking! Thinking hard!
5) I miss my spectacular view of all the numbnuts protesting outside Trump Tower. White House is not high enough! How am I supposed to look down on people? SAD!
4) No gold-plated anything.
3) NO SPRINKLES FOR MY ICE CREAM!
2) NO SPRINKLES FOR MY ICE CREAM!
1) I ask you–how am I supposed to live without sprinkles? OUTRAGEOUS!
So that’s my list and it’s amazing.
Stay tuned for more hijinks and mayhem as I continue my spectacular quest to get impeached — including hiring a skywriter to fly over the White House every hour with the words: GET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT MY MOMMY! and a photo op of me having a “Bed-In” with Putin and Kim Jong-Un I like to call, “Give Dictators a Chance”.
She's A Maineiac 
Also, people keep complaining about me being president! Great Founding Fathers like Lincoln and Andrew Jackson invented this great thing called the Electoral College – which I won in a landslide, by the way, and would have won the majority if not for millions of illegal voters, so that means that people must do everything I want!
This is a fake blog, isn’t it? This isn’t Darla. Who are you really? A Russian?
Don’t be so sure about the no hookers and no p*****s worth grabbing edict. Just because we haven’t heard doesn’t mean it’s off the menu.
You’ve got a point about the “no sprinkles” Mr. President. What a tough job!
I agree, there is too much poopie-doopie-doo going on at the White House. There is at my house too, but at least I have a dog to blame it on. 🙂
Are you referring to golden sprinkles?
Methinks he’s been eating bigly gallons of ice cream by the looks of him, with or without sprinkles. I’m hopeful about the prospect of giving him the ol’ heave-ho but dread how long it may take. And Pence in the wings. And Ryan. And…who would be next?
Great post, Darla! We need to laugh.
I can also hear him saying, “The whole checks-and-balances thing is driving me nuts! Why can’t I just sign my executive orders and be done with it? People keep challenging my authority. Vlad and Kim have it so much easier, being dictators and all. Sad!”
You can’t make this stuff up. White House press corps dinner: reporters get one scoop of ice cream for dessert, The Carrot gets two. Because that’s the way it works in a democracy, right?
I love you!!
Would like to hear Melania’s version of this.