Lately, I’ve had zero time to blog. So I thought I’d quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that’s currently taking up all of my precious time.
Let’s start with Gordon Ramsay.
My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here’s just a sampling:
Master Chef Junior
The F Word*
Beelzebub’s BBQ Jamboree
The ‘Goddammit, My Face Resembles a Shar-Pei’s Ass, So You’d Better %$#^ing Suck It Up and Cook, You *&^%ing Donut!’ Kitchen
My favorite Ramsay show? It’s Raw! Where top-level culinary geniuses from around the globe forget how to cook a piece of chicken.
While Gordon’s ranting and raving are a bit much, I do appreciate the enlightening cooking tips he dishes out to the contestants like razor-sharp jabs to the nads.
“It’s raw!” and “IT’S RAW!” and “IT’S BLOODY %^%^%$##$%$%$% RAW!”
My daughter and I watch Master Chef Junior, because who doesn’t want to see an impressionable young child have her dreams crushed to paprika in front of millions of people?
And every episode is chock-full of suspense.
[ominous music] Will they cook it right?
…or won’t they?
Speaking of salty, what in the bleeping name of Jiminy Cricket is going on with these dagnabbit hoozeewhazzits?
In case you’ve been living in an underground bunker filled with a lifetime supply of Spam and Dr. Pepper, these are Fidget Spinners. Or as I like to call them:
Flippety-Floo F*** ME!s
My kids begged me to buy them one. All the cool kids had one and all the uncool teachers hated them. They were sold out everywhere. Weeks went by, and my kids were still sans Zigzag Dilliwackers.
Finally, we stumbled upon a stash at the local pharmacy. I couldn’t wait to see what all the hubbub was about. Is it magic? Is it a game? Is it like a Rubik’s Cube?
I picked one up and asked, “So, what is it?”
Kids: You spin it.
Me: And then?
Kids: That’s it.
Me: [puts fidget spinner back down, then slowly walks away to weep in the car]
And how was your weekend?
*Actual TV show