Just Another Maineiac Monday

Lately, I’ve had zero time to blog. So I thought I’d quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that’s currently taking up all of my precious time.

Let’s start with Gordon Ramsay.

Image result for Gordon Ramsay
“Oh, bloody hell.”

My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here’s just a sampling:

Master Chef
Master Chef Junior
Kitchen Nightmares

Hell’s Kitchen
Hotel Hell
The F Word*

Satan’s Pantry
Beelzebub’s BBQ Jamboree

The ‘Goddammit, My Face Resembles a Shar-Pei’s Ass, So You’d Better %$#^ing Suck It Up and Cook, You *&^%ing Donut!’ Kitchen

My favorite Ramsay show? It’s Raw! Where top-level culinary geniuses from around the globe forget how to cook a piece of chicken.

While Gordon’s ranting and raving are a bit much, I do appreciate the enlightening cooking tips he dishes out to the contestants like razor-sharp jabs to the nads.
Gems like:
“It’s raw!” and “IT’S RAW!” and “IT’S BLOODY %^%^%$##$%$%$% RAW!”

Image result for Gordon Ramsay
It’s not f***ing cooked properly! Are you not f***ing getting that, you f***ing wanker! Maybe if I crouch down to your bloody level and f***ing scream in your f***ing  stupid face, you’d bloody f***ing catch on!

My daughter and I watch Master Chef Junior, because who doesn’t want to see an impressionable young child have her dreams crushed to paprika in front of millions of people?

Image result for masterchef junior kids crying
[sniffing] [sobbing] [soul dying inside]
And every episode is chock-full of suspense.

[ominous music] Will they cook it right?

[music swells]

…or won’t they?

[dramatic pause]

Image result for Masterchef Junior Judges
“Too salty.”

 

Speaking of salty, what in the bleeping name of Jiminy Cricket is going on with these dagnabbit hoozeewhazzits?

Image result for fidget spinner

 

 

In case you’ve been living in an underground bunker filled with a lifetime supply of Spam and Dr. Pepper, these are Fidget Spinners. Or as I like to call them:

Dum-Dum Doohickeys
Stupid-Ass Shizznitzels
Flippety-Floo F*** ME!s

My kids begged me to buy them one. All the cool kids had one and all the uncool teachers hated them.  They were sold out everywhere. Weeks went by,  and my kids were still sans Zigzag Dilliwackers.

Finally, we stumbled upon a stash at the local pharmacy. I couldn’t wait to see what all the hubbub was about. Is it magic? Is it a game? Is it like a Rubik’s Cube?

I picked one up and asked, “So, what is it?”

Kids: You spin it.

Me: And then?

Kids: That’s it.

Me: [puts fidget spinner back down, then slowly walks away to weep in the car]

 

And how was your weekend?

________________________________________________

*Actual TV show

 

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45 thoughts on “Just Another Maineiac Monday

  1. My daughter got one of those fidget cubes. After about three minutes of clicking and snapping, I snatched it from her neurotic little hands and threatened to smash it with a hammer. “But, mommmmm, it has quiet buttons, too.” I said I could make the whole bloody thing have quiet buttons.
    When does school start again?

  2. Satan’s Pantry! HA HA AH!

    My grand kids begged for the fidget spinners, too, I satisfied them with 2 big rolls of bubble wrap each – their dog gave me a look a pure disdain though!! Happy Summer 🙂 MJ

    1. Ooh, bubble wrap! Why didn’t I think of that? Sadly, my kids each have a fidget spinner now. The best part? My daughter informed me they come in about 2 kazillion colors and shapes and sizes so she wants more. (!!!!) Good to see you, MJ! Happy summer to you as well.

  3. How nice to see your lovely, java-sipping avatar on my to-read list!

    My dad told my brothers if they played with their zigzag dilliwackers too much, they’d go blind.

  4. I admit that I like watching the Gordon Ramsey ‘Hotels From Hell’ and the ‘Restaurants From Hell. Even more so when the people he tries to help turn on him and the slagging match ensues.

  5. My kid likes to watch Gordon, too. What’s up with that? At least it got my kid to make buttermilk battered, fried chicken from scratch. Because we’re homeschooling, watching his videos and then actually cooking something actually counts as educational. I’ve gotten my kid many different types of fidgets over the years, and spinners are one of my favs. He used to have to play with a Hot Wheels car when he ate, to help his coordination and focus. Those little metal cars do a number on a wooden table over the years! Glad to see you again.

    1. Yet another thing my son and yours have in common. My son went everywhere with a Hot Wheels car in each hand. It was the only way we could get him to focus or calm down (a little) in public.

  6. Me like eat, but me not like cook. Me not want cook. Me not even want to watch cook.

    Me put new fidget spinner in display case next to pet rock.

  7. My hands down favorite blog post style is “stream of consciousness email to your best friend” style. Needless to say, you had me at the quick pivot to fidget spinners.

  8. I personally find the four most soul-crushing words in Gordon Ramsay’s vocabulary to be his quietly delivered, “Damn. What a shame.” Best served accompanied by a slow, dejected shake of the head.

    Gordon wanted to like your dish. BUT YOU RUINED IT. Time to go into the pantry for a cry and to contemplate your life choices, you monster.

  9. Fidget spinners are becoming a thing over here too. The cynical part of me is waiting to see how long this fad lasts (I’m sure a lot of teachers are hoping it will die out before school starts again). 😛
    I’ve only seen a few snippets of Gordon Ramsey’s shows, so I can’t comment much on that. I did discover The Great British Bake Off (or The Great British Baking Show, as it’s called in the States) a few months ago and became slightly obsessed. It’s a ton of fun and super educational, and it will make you want to BAKE ALL THE THINGS. 😀

  10. I’ve heard a lot about fidget spinners, although I’ve rarely seen one. But I think as kids toys fads go, this is a pretty benign one – it’s cheap, it doesn’t involve staring at the screen, and it’s more exercise than texting.

  11. I don’t see the point of fidget spinners but what the hell I am sure in days gone by some didn’t see the point of hula hoops or whatever fad was around at the time, cannot stand Gordon Ramsay

    1. The one thing we can all count on are toy fads. I remember in the 70s we all wanted a pogo stick. My dad finally caved and bought one for us for Christmas and I think I jumped on it once, fell down and left in in the yard for all eternity.

  12. And here I thought that spinning WAS fidgeting … obviously that was just back in the olden days. We got in trouble for THAT too.

    Good to see you Darla! Enjoy the summer.

  13. I am also mildly obsessed with Gordon Ramsay. I have seen every episode of ‘Ramsay’s Motherf*cking Kitchen Cocking Wanking Nightprickingwares’ and it fills me with joy.
    As for those widgety bollocky someone-has-made-a-lot-of-money-from-getting-kids-to-spin-plastic-in-their-hands spinning things, my mind is officially boggled. I might come up with something called a Hand Object, which is basically just a pebble that kids can hold in their hands for a bit and then put it down somewhere when they get bored. I’ll make a fortune.
    Just discovered your blog and I’m very pleased about it. 🙂

    1. Well, bloody f*cking risotto balls! They don’t air Ramsay’s Motherf*cking Kitchen Cocking Wanking Nightprickingwares where I live.

      And welcome to my blog, pleased to make your acquaintance.

  14. My friend’s son has a zully-bobwit and I asked him the same thing. “So now what?” He looked at me like I was completely clueless (which was true).

    But then I remember 500 years ago when I was his age, my mom asked me the same thing about the slinky. “So it goes down the stairs, and then what?”

    1. Very true. I still remember the slinky jingle: “The slinky, the slinky…for fun it’s a wonderful toy…it’s fun for a girl and a boy!” Yeah, it’s just a coiled piece of plastic, people.

  15. Fidget spinners are for husbands who are with you when you are visiting their least favourite relative and they (the aforementioned husband) has nothing to contribute to the conversation, and is getting more and more fidgety as the least favourite relatives dog barks louder and louder.

  16. If I’d invented fidget spinners I’d be blogging from Fiji instead of here. Remember Silly Bands? All you need is that one fad to get the kiddies hooked and you’re on easy street the rest of your life. Get busy!

    The F Word isn’t really a TV show, is it? I hope not.

  17. Ha! The spinners are perfect for my fidgety son, but I would constantly be picking it up off the floor.
    Great to “see” you! Missed this while I was gone for a month. I’m still getting back into the swing. How are things in Maine? It’s on our travel list now that Danny made one.

  18. Pingback: Fate Meets the London’s Bloggers Bash | Susie Lindau's Wild Ride

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