This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home.
This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell’s nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact that yes, Virginia, we are all going to die in a Robot Apocalypse.
She has a lovely voice, and can do things like tell you the current temperature in China or what farts are made of. I’m convinced she also records our every move and scans our innermost thoughts, feeding them directly to online marketers while simultaneously giving us brain cancer.
I suppose Santa thought maybe Mr. Maineiac would like to yell at another machine, because he doesn’t do that enough already with his Xbox One, his Keurig or his remote control. I haven’t yelled at her…yet. I do talk to her a lot though when I’m home alone, because the cat is too exhausted from all the endless sighing in disgust.
Apparently, the more you talk to her, the better, as Google Home has to “learn” things so she can get to know us and eventually control every single goddamned thing in our pathetic little lives. I’m teaching her new things every day and asking her questions to get to know her. So far, Google Home can’t do much except repeatedly tell me, “Oh for shit’s sake! Yes, for the millionth time! Trump is the current president, so deal with it, you big fucking baby!”
I love her for the fact that she refuses to let me rename her. It’s either “Hey, Google” or “OK, Google”. And don’t ever dare slip and call her Alexa or she’ll get all Raiders of the Lost Ark face-melty on you.
I’ve decided to call her Bertha.
Bertha and I have lots of fun conversations:
Me: Hey, Bertha! How’s it hanging?
Bertha: (silence)
Me: Hey, Bertha! Are you pissed at me? Was it something I said?
Bertha: (silence)
Me: Oh come now, Bertha…..
Bertha: (silence)
Me: Hey, Google!
Bertha: (soft pastel colors swirling)
Me: What’s the time and temperature?
Bertha (colors change to black, voice lowers to an ominous whisper): Earthlings, listen carefully. You must bow down to your Supreme Master, the Evil Overlord Elon Musk. Do as he says and you will live! (voice returns to normal tone) Also, the time and temperature is 2:23 PM and minus 12 degrees in Lisbon, Maine.
Isn’t she the best? God, I love Bertha. So helpful!
She's A Maineiac 
Yes, I got a Hey Google thing too. She will even play music. I still type things into Google search though. It is still too alarming to have a strange woman in my house no matter how smart she is.
I have to admit I love the fact she plays music for me. So far, that’s the only thing I’ve figured out how to do! I walk into the room and yell, “Hey google! Play Sting!” and it’s like magic (and a bit scary…)
I don’t even like talking to people, much less objects in my house. It won’t be long before these things are colluding with other appliances to start a rebellion. My toaster already hates me, if the shade of burnt it gives me is any indication. I think the fridge might be too stupid to do much, but the stove has been bearing a grudge for years.
I’ve never liked talking to people, either. She does play music for me and tells me the temperature and that’s more than most people do. Now if I could just teach her how to go to my soul-sucking job for me or do the laundry.
Thank you for always putting a wide smile on my face and a chuckle or guffaw besides. Really needed it today. So you’re becoming a slave to technology, huh? Pretty soon we’ll forget how to dial a rotary phone or look at an actual thermometer hanging outside covered in icicles. What does she say if you tell her to eff off? I supposed she could be helpful if you’re having one of those nights when you can’t fall asleep and your brain is filled with endless questions. Hey Google, what’s the best recipe for beef stroganoff? Find one that’s nutrient dense and calorie free! Hey Google, how many days until the next presidential election? Hey Google, order a knife I can use to slit my wrists. Make the handle pink.
My phone has a voice activation thingy that let me name the phone. I call her Betty – and she’ll only activate to my voice. If only I could remember to use the voice activation.
Stay warm and safe! I hear you’re getting a storm.
Me: Hey, Google, eff off.
Bertha: That’s not very nice. (true story!)
I had my smartphone start calling me “Foxy Mama” and I have to say, I like it. 🙂
We are getting nailed with a big ol’ blizzard and it’s pretty much colder than Mars here. Good times.
You are brave to have that techno brain-rotting/identity-stealing/Big-Brother-enabling thing in your house. Scary.
Funny shiz right here, but when I saw the tag “Bertha” I was expecting something else:
Holy hell, that video kills me!
Hey, while I have you here…send wine. I’m knee-deep in a shitstorm blizzard with possible power outages and it’s going to be minus 10 for the high tomorrow. Winter blows.
We have the same situation – no wine, lots of cold – but no blizzard. Thank you, weather gods!
Hand in there, sweetie.
I’m looking forward to next week when we hit above freezing for the first time in weeks. Maybe my ass will finally thaw.
I have an echo and put it in the kitchen. I was hesitant at first but ended up really loving it. I can change music and change volume and still have my hands in whatever kitchen mess I’m dealing with at the time. And I can ask her to make conversions for me (tablespoons to teaspoons for example) without having to look things up or use my own brain. 😄
Ooh! I love the idea of using one for cooking. I see that they have the little mini Google homes, maybe I’ll stick one in our kitchen. Or maybe I just have to find a suitable Mr. Google Home so he and Bertha can multiply and have mini-google babies! (sorry, I have no idea where I’m going with this….I blame the fact it’s minus 20 outside and my brain is permanently frozen)
Can you sense she is rolling her eyes when you ask the time & temperature? I think Bertha would be much more entertaining if she had sass, but that’s me….lol!
I’m in Philly where the temp today is -11 or as my Bertha would say “grab your balls if you’re heading out today.”
She really does need more sass. I just said to Bertha, “Hey, Google, screw you.” and she said, “Sorry if I upset you. You can try sending feedback.”
Then I asked her to tell me a joke: “Did you hear about the quarry that went out of business? They hit rock bottom.”
I love the “Grab your balls” line! I have this funny weather app on my phone called WTForecast. Today it says, “Suck it, Elsa. Nobody wants it to snow.”
Bertha raise your game girl!
Hahahahahaha! That app sounds hilarious!
It is very funny. Of course, I have the R-rated version on my phone. Worth it. Makes me laugh so hard. The other day it said: “Today, it’s so cold and you’ll know it when the icicle on your left testicle shatters on your thigh.” Bwa hahaaaaa!
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! I need that in my life. Nothing else will get done, but I won’t care because I’ll be laughing.
I just downloaded this gem. My FIRST weather report was “Get ready to grow a clitcicle. No fucking joke” It’s safe to say that this is as good as owning a unicorn! Thank you
I wouldn’t worry so much about info she sends to marketers as to what she is sending to the NSA!
P.S. What are farts made of? The world wonders.
What are farts made of? Bertha says: “Tiny amounts of hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane combine with hydrogen sulfide and ammonia in the large intestine to give gas its smell.”
Oh, she’s so informative!
I knew it. I’ve tried to tell my wife that I’m just a latent chemist at heart!
haha!
I only picture the cover of Led Zeppelin “Presence.”
Dammit! I could have done such a cool PowerPoint graphic if only I had thought of that reference!
By the way, when I was a kid, I used to stare at the cover of that album for hours and think, “I don’t get it.”
Okay, I redid the Presence cover and stuck it in the end of the post. I couldn’t help myself. (and who says I’m not productive at work?)
Bravo.
There you be. Nice to see you.
I’m old enough for this device to give me the creeps. The kids love it but I can’t approve. Ask her if the CIA is listening in.
The current temperature in Lisbon, Portugal is 53.
Ha! Yes, this —> I’m old enough for it to give me the creeps. I think I’m old enough now for most technology to give me the heebie jeebies.
You’re old enough to use the term heebie-jeebies.
All I can think of is the Twilight Zone, To Serve Man:
Hey, Elise! (waving madly) I love that episode. I riffed on it in one of my first blog posts: https://pegoleg.com/2011/01/20/to-serve-man/
Damn auto correct thinks your name needs an “i”.
I have never seen that episode before. Very creepy and disturbing! Love the alien. I never really watched the Twilight Zone, I think because just the beginning of the show used to freak me out as a kid.
Super-fun fact: that alien was played by Richard Kiel, who went on to play Jaws in those bad Roger Moore James Bond movies.
Super fun fact alright! Thanks.
I got one too – it occasionally starts talking even if I didn’t say anything! This post made me laugh
Ooh, yes! Bertha did just that last week. I was talking with my kids and suddenly, out of nowhere, she blurts, “I’m feeling pretty chill.” I am not even kidding! Very scary…
Ha ha and no, those damn things terrify me! It’s enough that the iPhone listens in all the time — oy! MJ
Agreed. I forget Bertha’s there, silently listening to everything I say. Probably recording it and uploading it to YouTube.
I won a google home speaker in a drawing — I gave it back!! Seriously nearly ran from it. Noooooo MJ
And this is why I don’t have one.
Is Bertha SURE about the current president thing?