I bought a high-powered magnifying mirror the other day. Just what I need, all the horrifying details of my face magnified 10,000 times.
I peered into the mirror to begin ripping out my eyebrows when,
WHOA! HOLY HELL! MY FACE IS OLD! AND UGLY! AND COVERED IN HAIR! I LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A WRINKLED PRUNE AND CHEWBACCA!
And it’s not like we can get away with it. Oh, no. People tend to notice your face pretty much all the time. You can’t walk into a room backwards and say,
“Greetings, everyone! So thrilled I could make it to this committee meeting about committee meetings! [covering face with a manila folder] Please, ignore the hideousness that is now my face. Just stare at my ass from now on. Yes, my ass is all you’re gonna see. Talk right into the crack, it’s okay. Deal with it.”
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
Sometimes I think I’d like to play around with what society thinks is “normal” and “not clinically insane”. Like clothes. What we wear every day. Sure, I could wake up, stretch, put on a shirt…maybe some pants. Walk down the street. Go to work.
Orrr….I could wear a headband. Yeah, just a headband around my giant forehead all damned day. “Yeah, that’s right. I’m wearing a John McEnroe headband. On my fucking head. At work. Boom.” What, are they gonna fire me for that? Nowhere in my 10,000-page employee handbook does it state that I cannot wear a headband. Why not go really crackers and start wearing a snorkel and a cape to Target? Live it up, I say! Create new fashion trends! You’re old, who gives a shit! Be eccentric! Fight society’s stupid rules!
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
The other day I was checking out at the doctor’s office — sporting a hot pink welding helmet, natch — and the receptionist hands me a little card for the next appointment.
Then she says…”and you can call and schedule the mammogram when it’s convenient for you. ”
Hold up. I can call? Me? When in bloody hell is having a mammogram convenient for me? This chick thinks I am going to waltz out of the office, race home and
[picking up phone] “Hi! Yes! I need to have my tits squashed for about 45 minutes! Can you please sign me up right away! Yes yes, as soon as possible!” I mean, never ever give me a chance at putting off a mammogram.
I always complain about the mammogram to my husband. I’m 48 — so I’ve had a few. My boobs now? Just flaps. Sad flaps hanging down to my ankles. This is what those x-ray machines are doing to me. And my boobs always hurt now. I’ll be sitting in my office typing away and….ooh! Ow! What the? Shit! OW! OW! Is that a hot poker in my tit?!
Getting old means random excruciating pains that come out of nowhere then disappear. My husband will be lying on the couch watching MASH reruns.
Suddenly he’s cringing and crying, “Ah! Oh! What the? My nuts! My nut hurts! Kill me now! Oh, now it’s gone. Huh.”
Basically after 18 years of marriage this is what our foreplay amounts to:
“My nuts hurt!” “My tits hurt!” “MY NUT!” “MY TIT!”
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
My husband and I have lived together for 20 years. Twenty years of getting to know each other’s bodies and all the weird medical shit that can happen as you grow older and gradually fall apart. For fun, we constantly feel and examine our own bodies, looking for various lumps and bumps. Piece of advice for you newlyweds out there: When your significant other says to you, “Hey honey, feel this lump…” don’t feel it.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
True, our bodies decay, but it’s slow enough to make it seem like an eternity. Just when you think things can’t get any worse, it do. Oh, it do.
Like my waist. Actually, I don’t a waist in the general sense of the term. What used to be my waist is buried under this bulbous, bloated blob that once upon a time was called “my abs”.
I used to have fat around the lower part, but now the upper abdomen has joined in on the fun. My daughter gave me a hug one day and said in that sweet Shirley Temple voice of hers: “You know what I love about you, Mommy? Your three humps. They’re just so squishy!” Then she pokes me in my three humps and runs off giggling.
Three humps: my boobs, my upper and lower abdomen. Of course, the great thing is my 3 humps are now morphing into one giant shitshow. You know how they label women’s body shapes fruits? You can be a pear or an apple?
I’m a fucking cantaloupe.
And the bonus part? My pants constantly slide down. My entire day is me ever-so-inconspicuously pulling up my goddamned pants. First I pick the wedge, then I hitch ’em up. Pick, hitch, pick, hitch. I’m like an rotund oompa loompa — all belly. I’ve tried belts, doesn’t work. It’s like putting a rubber band around a balloon.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
And why do men care if we are a little chunky? A little fluffy? Why do we as women care? I wish I could’ve been there that day back in caveman times, when they’re all sitting around an open fire, picking bison out of their teeth with a sharp stick, and the man looks at the woman and says, “Hey, good bison. By the way….y’know…I don’t know how to say this but uh….you’re getting a little chunk in the trunk. Maybe you should try slimming down a bit. Yeah, then life would be sa-weet.”
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
Of course, along with our bodies, the senses all start to collectively go to shit too. I can’t see or hear much of anything anymore. I was in a deep sleep the other night, my mind dancing on the periphery of a dream, when I heard this faraway noise. Bang, bang, bang.
It was soft as first, but as I stirred awake it became louder. Bang! Bang! Bang! I wiped the cobwebs from my eyes and listened. Bang! Bang! Bang! Was that coming from outside? I got up, crept over to the open window and listened again. Bang! Bang! Bang! It sounded like someone was methodically and maniacally hitting something or someone with something! (Hey, I was still half-asleep, it was all my brain could muster.)
Clearly, our drunk neighbors were engaging in some kind of weird midnight squirrel-sacrificing ritual. It’s amazing the things that run through your mind as you’re standing half-naked in an open window:
OH MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING? HOLY SHIT — I really really really think our neighbor is burying someone in his garden! shhh! There it is again! [Bang! bang! bang!] Maybe he’s hitting someone with a log? [Bang! bang! bang!] You’d think they’d be dead by now. I mean, if this guy’s going to be taking on a career as a serial killer, he really needs to up his game. [BANG BANG BANG] Maybe people are trapped inside a metal 4 by 4 container underground and their only hope is to clang on the walls with a piece of wood? What do I do? What do I do? Call 911? [This is when I began running around in circles, my boobs flapping all about]
I was thisclose to waking up my snoring husband when I turned and saw it: Ohhhh.
It was the bedroom door. [ahem] The bedroom door was softly thumping against the door frame because of the wind blowing through the open window. THE DOOR. No, it wasn’t a serial killer sacrificing small animals in my backyard but a door.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
Getting old sucks all around. Especially when you’re getting old and so are your kids. I was tucking my 11-year-old daughter in bed the other night. We talked about the usual — Andi Mack, bullies at school, the fact we’re all gonna die one day — I gently kissed her forehead. I’m about to creep out the door when she sat up, looked me dead straight in the eyes and said, “Mommy? I wanna know all about genitals.”
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
My daughter is like me, straight-forward, no bullshit, just the facts, ma’am. The other night I sat down beside her with a heavy sigh. I held her close and gently stroked her downy hair. I whispered, “What ever happened to my baby girl? Why, just yesterday you were a sweet baby with a cute widdle binky, wearing widdle onesies and a widdle bow in your hair. You used to snuggle in my arms for hours while I rocked you to sleep. What happened to her? Where is that girl?”
My daughter deadpanned, “That girl died years ago.”
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦
And that, my friends, is why I drink on occasion.
(Fine, I’m not really almost 50, but I’m almost 48. And 50 is just sitting there. Like some big dead end.)
She's A Maineiac 
LMAO!! I know! What happened to my figure? The one where I too had a waist. And what’s up with my skin? Blotches, spots, getting thin and wrinkly, but I still get zits and an oily forehead.
Do yourself a favor and get rid of the magnifying mirror – worst thing ever invented! Grab a pint of Chunky Monkey and hunker down with some Burt and I.
Hunker down with some Chunky Monkey? I’m so there….
You’re bonkers, woman, you know that? 😉
Truer words….you know the rest.
Oh guuuurl! Just wait until FIVE OH hits you square in the middle! I thought body changes in my 40’s were hideous and shocking? WTF happened when I turned 50 is still a mystery that unravels daily. All I can tell you is keep plucking, invest in laser hair removal, eat good and exercise and by all means NEVER EVER give up wine! That’s just my two cents. 😉 Love your blog! You may find mine amusing from time to time. http://www.confessionsofaprofessionalmom.com
I’ve been a little lax in posting lately, but there are some doozies brewing! Cheers!
Allison
ROTFL As usual, you nailed it. My sister hurt her knee on her 40th birthday. She said to my mother “I knew things would start to go downhill when I turned 40, but I didn’t know it would be THAT DAY” lord knows what she is thinking now that she is well into her 50’s…
It really is incredible, the speed at which every single part of your body starts to break down once you pass the age of 40. And suddenly you look in the mirror and realize, “Damn, I’m old. I’ve turned into my mother!” Oh the horror….
Lol so true!
Well, at least you aren’t fussing about your possibly broken eggs, or the Karbonzos, or turning into a ball of light. Yet. 🙂
I’ll see your mammogram and raise you two prostate exams…….
Well played….
I’ll see your mammography and Al’s two prostate exams and turning 50 this year I raise you a colonoscopy … *sigh*
Yep. I’ve got two solid years before that charming appointment!
Enjoy them …
I’ll see your colonoscopy and raise you a hip replacement…
Dang, you are the winner there …
I’ll see your mammograms, colonoscopy, turning 50, prostate exams and having a hip replacement and raise you…having your sweet, 3-year-old great-niece pat your neck and say, “why do you have this hangy-down part on your face?” Booom.
At this point, my entire body is “hangy-down”…
Ahh, the indignities of preventive medical care…. I love the last part of every annual physical (thanks, Al). But my dad told me not to get old and wasn’t it Pete Townsend and The Who who warned us? I am on the fourth day of the third week post total right knee replacement and I can now walk better than I could four weeks ago. Progress. Hang in there, the bright side is we get wiser as we get older (cumulative boneheaded mistakes). Have a great weekend.
You hang in there, as well. Total knee replacement is nothing to sneeze at (seriously, don’t sneeze, it pulls the stitches something wicked). Rest easy and hope you have a speedy recovery.
This whole post was scary to me because I could relate (the flappy tits, the gross skin, the cantaloupe bod) and I’m only 25. Looking forward to when I’m 50 and look twice as bad. Cheers?
By then you’ll be blind as a bat so it won’t matter.
Silver linings, of course.
When you reach that “big dead end” you’ll meet lots of interesting people: the physical therapist, the pharmacist, the periodontist, etc. Say hello to Metamucil, bifocals, Poise pads, Spanx, orthopedic shoes, and memorizing the location of every bathroom in town. Ask Santa for gift cards to CVS or Walgreens. Enjoy the two years you have left, Darla. Life will never be the same. LOL. 🙂
Oh god! Just today I asked my mother if she had any Metamucil kicking around! I am doomed I tells ya!
A cantaloupe perfectly describes the shape of my body AND the condition of my skin.
I’ve missed you. Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch!
Thank you, Elyse! I don’t have the urge to blog much anymore, but when I do it’s therapeutic for me.
Me neither. Oh well.
HILARIOUS! I love your daughter!
I knew it was time to pass the torch on my youth the day my tits come out of my bra like a loose fruit roll-up. Game over.
HAHAHAHAAA!!!!! OH MY GOD! Such a visual! I always say, when you have to pick up your boobs, roll them up, THEN put them inside your bra it’s time to pack it in (pun intended).
Ok I have stopped laughing now, at 55 I now all about bodies falling apart
And what kills me are these people who insist it’s “all in our minds” and we can cheat time etc. Oh no, it’s not in my mind. It’s in my saggy boobs, fat ass, and achy joints.
Where the hell have you been. You don’t OWE us an explanation but I’d like one anyway. And where the hell is Peg? What a couple of slackers.
Some parallel universe shizzle going on here. I had a birthday yesterday and I can tell you I’m well north of 48. It’s sickening. Being old blows. And I don’t mean ‘growing’ old because that implies I’m not quite there yet. Oh, I’m there. You just wait. I won’t get into the details because I don’t want to spoil the great surprises in store for you. I was walking down 7th Avenue last week and it dawned on me that I’ve passed into old and creepy. Before I got old, girls I’d pass on the sidewalk would occasionally hold their gaze for a beat or two. Now, they quickly look away. Like they’ve spotted a hideous monster. Message received.
My bride and I are coming up on our 19th, but we were together for two years before that. AND I’ve got a 11-year old girlie. So we are on the same time/space continuum marriage plateau.
We are living parallel lives! I shit you not, the working title for this post was “Getting Old Blows”. (Also: “Life Sucks and then You Die” or “Just Kill Me Now”.)
It really is something, isn’t it? That we all turn into hideous creepy Old People? It happens in a blink of a cataract-riddled eye! And it’s so true and so sad the fact that inside our minds, we are still that young, sexy, hot thang. The sight of people averting their eyes or running away screaming when I unveil myself in a bathing suit at the beach is just the start of the end for me.
What really blows my mind is how little I can manage in physical activity. (not just the sex part) My husband and I thought we’d live it up a little and decided to walk a few miles on the rocky beach yesterday. We didn’t climb or trek or hike. WALKED. Today? Our bodies felt like they were run over by a steamroller. My husband said to me, “Looks like the beach pretty much killed us, huh?” WHAT THE FRACK???!!! I see a future filled with rocking chairs and Metamucil shots….
So familiar. Lol. 😉
Omygosh this was hilarious girl, i had to read it since i will be turning the big 50 in August and I’m going through menopause! These dang hotflashes ain’t no joke, i think if i could get me a bf they wouldn’t be as bad..lmao my daughter told me i probably got cobwebs and dust 😃😃😃 it’s been almost 3 years since I’ve even dated just got so tired of mens lies and bullcrap but the hell with these hotflashes!!! Lmao girl your story has made my day!! Thank you!!!
You are welcome thanks to commiserating!
I’m 34, but god, the hair. It’s not the little stubby hairs on my chin that bother me so much as the freaking sideburn. Wth, body?!
My 10-year-old asked about babies a couple months ago. He knows the gist but wanted to know EXACTLY what happens to get the babies there. So we had the very detailed talk. Wasn’t quite ready for that.
Oh, I know allll about the sideburns. It’s pretty daunting having to tackle ALL the little hairs that crop up on your face at my age. I have to shave my legs, my underarms, and hell…why not my face too??!!
Hi Maineiac! Long time no speak. Finally figured out how to get into my very old WP account so I can at least “like” your stuff, which is always entertaining. As for getting old – well, it’s not for the faint of heart I can say from experience. I’m hitting the BIG one in Aug, yeah, the one after the big (at the time) 50. Knees, boobs, chin hairs, colonoscopies, yeah, all big fun. Have to say the toughest has been the past 9 months with first our Dad then 3 weeks ago Mom dying. Those take the cake. Hugs.
Helllloooooo Tar!!! 🙂 So happy to see you here again.
I just read Peg’s tribute to her mom again and I cried all over my keyboard. I am so sorry you had to lose your parents in such a short time. No words I can say will make the pain of your tremendous loss any less, but just know I’m praying and thinking of all of you.
I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when he was 53 (I was 21) and he was basically my father and my mother at the time. It was devastating to me. And now I’m dealing with my mom preparing to die (she’s almost 85). It’s hard. So very hard. Sigh.
Tell that sis of yours she can call me anytime if she wants (she has my phone number). I’m probably the world’s best listener… so tell her if she needs to vent, cry, laugh I’m always here! (same goes for you too of course!)
As my (then) 85 year old Mom used to quip, “Getting older isn’t for sissies but it sure beats the alternative.” I think of her when something random aches, a bruise appears out of nowhere, I forget why I’m in a room for something ….. But when you coast into your 50s you start leaning into it, giving yourself permission to be cranky and alone or quirky and odd. And I do all 4 of those nearly daily 😉 Cheers! MJ
Too true! I’m kind of a mix of both, I appreciate just being alive, but sometimes I complain about things that don’t really matter. Gotta keep up the “cranky middle age” facade somehow! Good to see you MJ!
AW you are still So funny!! Happy 48 almost 50! Haha. I remember when I turned 28…and I thought I was basically 30 for two years. But now I look back and think..wow, 28 was definitely not 30! Why rush it? Enjoy being in your 40s–for two more years! 🙂 And keep on writing!
Thank you! Yes, why rush it? My daughter just told me today she wishes she was older (she’s 11) and I’m like, “Uh, no you don’t, trust me.”
Women sigh when they hit 30…. I thought it was great. Women fear their 40’s…. I sailed through them happily. So what the Hell happened at 50 and whose body is this? Seriously, I don’t recognize it and want to give it back. Someone… somewhere…. is out there walking around in my thinner and lumpless self. If you see her, throw a lasso around that b*tch.
Haha! Love this comment so much.
Don’t even get me started! The longest draft (by far) in my ever growing (I’m not writing but) draft folder, is on aging. On my ugly aging. And I’m double nickels; I got no sympathy for 48. Oh to be 7 years younger… well, maybe not.
I did laugh out loud, more than once.
Well, I would love to read your draft! I’m trying to appreciate the hell out of the rest of my 40s. I dance, I sing. I laugh often. I drink wine. It’s all good.