Humor · sports

Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic

Last Sunday, I broke the sound barrier in my living room.

Have you ever heard a high-pitched screech that was so annoying and loud you wanted to scrape your own ears out with a fork?

That was me during the commercials.

I hate Taco Bell.

Okay, so I guess I get a little excited watching the game. I suppose I was a wee bit too intense. And sure, at one point during the fourth quarter, my head spun around and flames shot out my ass. But it’s football, baby!

I have been a ginormous football fan since Doug Flutie snarfed down cornflakes. And before you all turn on me and start whining “But the Patriots are cheaters! They deflated balls! I think,,,! …maybe…?! Well if they didn’t deflate balls they did SOMETHING BAD because NO TEAM CAN BE THAT GOOD!”

Image result for kid project brady is cheater
Science project sponsored by the Indianapolis Colts. 

Firstly: I have to love the New England Patriots. It’s a rule here. If I don’t, Marky Marktastic Mark Wahlberg gets all up in my grill.

Image result for mark wahlberg
I swear to God I will punch you in the throat.

Secondly, na-na-na-na, neer-neer!

I get it — you are all sick to death of the Pats winning and being all amazing and stuff. I used to feel the same about the Cowboys. But do you all realize how long I’ve suffered? I lived through Tony Eason! And Drew Bledsoe! And the Refrigerator Perry! Don’t you think all this winning is deserved? And don’t you agree that I had something to do with it?

They only win when I drink gin from this mug.

It’s a hard lonely life loving Tom Brady. Giselle, you know what I’m talking about. I won’t even go into how much my own husband loathes Brady. He’s got oodles of money. Buttloads of talent. Dimples. (Probably on his butt too, but hey, I don’t give a shit.)

So this Super Bowl Sunday, think of me screaming into an empty living room, while my man Brady slides that sixth ring onto his finger.  Or screaming because they lost and Brady is in a fetal position on the 20 yard line. You’d all love that, wouldn’t you?

Whatever happens, please dear god, no more puppy-monkey-baby commercials.

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29 thoughts on “Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic

  1. Hey, it’s a dumb game anyway. Grown men in silly uniforms throwing a misshapen ball around and then falling to the ground. Who cares? If Belichick and Brady and Gronk want so suck the spirit out of my soul and send me into depression hell year in and year out, fine. …..(“click”…damn, an empty chamber).

  2. I’m a rare Mainer in the fact that I don’t care about Brady, Belichek or football in general. But I’m a die hard Sox fan and live for opening day at Fenway. Ditto on puppy, baby, monkey commercials though. Ugh.

  3. I’m not a football fan so don’t worry, I’m not going to accuse your precious Patriots or Tom Brady of screwing my home team out of a shot at a Super Bowl ring. But their string of victories reminds me of the racecar driver no one could beat at our podunk speedway. It got rather boring watching him win week after week. We almost wished someone would zoom past him, grab the checkered flag, and knock him off that smug little pedestal of his. Maybe we would have felt differently if he had dimples… 🙂

  4. Even though I grew up a stone’s throw from Boston, and my Dad was an avid sports fan, I never got into football until everyone around here (Pacific Northwest) got all excited about the Seahawks about 4 years ago. Honestly, it was mostly because my son got so excited (because everyone at his school was excited). These days, my teenager could care less. Me too, pretty much. But I might watch the game anyway. Go Pats! (By the way, can’t see your mug. 🙁 Looks like the link might have broken?)

    1. When I lived out near Seattle I didn’t care about sports much, either. What can I say? Our college female field hockey team was the “Geoducks”. Not very inspiring.

      Hmm….I can see it on my computer, but if I look at my post on my phone, yes the link’s broken. (??)

      1. It was so cold today I had to put socks on with my flip flops, which sucks ‘cause it’s also raining. I hope you survive the polar vortex .. don’t lick anything outside ‘til it’s over. ;D

  5. I’m 100% sure they’re winning because of you. Of course, I have no idea what this game is or who these people are, but I believe in you, and now that I know there are puppies and butt dimples, I might have to tune in.

  6. I love the Super Bowl for the snacks and commercials ~ Hubby loves the game, breathlessly watches any and all games leading up to it (and shares commentary) and he suffers from a football withdrawal hangover afterwards.

    I sort of pay attention and try to keep up — but I appreciate those with a passion for it – enjoy and pass the wings 🙂

    MJ

  7. That was a good game. Even I was screaming, and I haven’t given a damn about football since the heady, glory days here in Chi-town when I could see no higher calling in life than bearing Mike Singletary’s children. And I’m sure you’d be just as enthused if Brady was a troll. Ri-i-i-i-ght.

    I’m so sure that the Pat’s success is due to you, that I’m going to be chanting YOUR name this weekend. Darla’s number 1! Darla’s number 1! If only my custom made huge, foam Darla #1 finger arrives in time.

    I haven’t been on WordPress for so long, they made me sign in to comment. Sign in! I had to dig through my important papers to find out what the password was. What is WITH that? Can’t a person drop off the face of the earth for a little while without suffering any consequences?

    1. O. M. F. G. !!!! PEGGLES!! As I live and breathe!

      Well, thanks for finding that top secret password to login WP. I have to say (with tears in my eyes) I don’t know if I have it in me to blog much anymore. It seems a post every 2 months is all I can handle. It’s torture to write. I just can’t do it! I guess I lost my mojo. And most days I lose my car keys, my eyeglasses, and sanity. Anyway, it’s good to hear from you again. I miss you and hope all is well and you’re not frozen to the sidewalk somewhere trying to text for help.

  8. They wouldn’t be so all amazing if they didn’t get breaks from the refs and cheat. Did you see that bullshit roughing the passer call in the KC game? The Super Bowl should’ve been the Chiefs v Saints. Yesterday’s game was the Asterisk Bowl. Neither team deserved to be there.

    And don’t brag on your suffering. Try being a Cleveland fan.

    Good morning!

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