To Whom It May Concern:
I write to you with the fervent hope
that my plight may soon be known.
My ordeal began as soon as I plunked
my ass on the porcelain throne.
It seems mixing shots of tequila
with gravy-smothered pita
was clearly not the way to go.
Hence, my ass exploded,
the tidy bowl overloaded,
and the septic tank lurched below.
Soon I grew quite curious,
as TP flew fast and furious,
as to why the toilet wouldn’t flush.
Then the TP ran out
and I was forced to shout
expletives above the hush.
With all of that straining,
grumbling and complaining,
something popped, I’m afraid.
Perhaps the third slice of pie
and Mom’s disapproving eye
shan’t mix with political shade.
Alas, my lower lumbar gave way
and I’m dreadfully sorry to say
my exit plan is now quite murky.
So if you could please send help
as soon as you possibly can…welp…
I will choke down your friggin’ Tofurky.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Go easy on the gravy!
She's A Maineiac 
That was beautiful.
What he said.
Thanks! So happy my toilet woes “moved” you….
So sorry for your troubles. I hope your many talents don’t extend to reading the future. I’m already wondering if my decision to defrost the turkey in the trunk of my car might bode ill for my holiday guests.
Happy Thanksgiving, Darla!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, Peggles! 🙂
I hope you dedicated this poem to me, because you know I’m right there beside you.
And always check the TP supply before unbuttoning. That will be engraved on my tombstone.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Be careful about that car trunk. My mom once defrosted hers in the carport and found it filled with aggressive turkey vultures!
Yes, always check the TP–wise words. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Elyse!
Admit it, Elyse. You’re really “Anonymous” for this post, aren’t you? 😉 – Marty
Ha! No— I have no reservations in flouting my skills!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving back there in Maine! With my hubster working night shift I’ll be cooking during the day and we’ll feast around 5 pm, shortly before he goes off to work. Cheers!
Hope you’re enjoying your feast! Happy Thanksgiving!
Sadly too many of us can relate
Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving with plenty of extra TP on hand… (never thought I’d type out those words…)
That shade will get you every time! Sorry for your discomforts… hope you’re better by now. – Marty
haha! So true…thanks, Marty! I took it easy and stayed away from the shots of tequila…
I may have shed a tear or two over this amazing poetry. Big loves old friend.
Aw, thanks, roomie!!! ❤