I don’t know about you, but oftentimes I ask myself, Self? What would you do with 44 billion dollars? I have loads of ideas. I would donate a billion to the animal shelter, give a billion to the children’s hospital, spend a billion on Reese’s peanut butter cups and Snuggies. You can never have too many Snuggies.
OR…I know this is a crazy idea but stay with me now….I could run a social media platform straight into the ground at lightning speed!
Oh, Elon. Poor poor Elon. He had such hopes and dreams for Twitter. Twitter — that bastion of goodwill, peace and love! The place where adults gather to spew their inane thoughts into the void for all the world to ignore. Really, what is Twitter for anyway? Asking for a friend.
And that friend is Elon Musk.
To be honest, I know practically nothing about Elon Musk. I know he’s the richest man in the world. I know he named one of his kids XYZ squared. I thought he was smart. I thought that being super rich meant you had a grasp on reality.
What I do know is I have never actually been on Twitter more than I have lately. To be honest, I have never really understood Twitter’s appeal. Watching it implode at such breakneck speed is endlessly entertaining for me. Some of my fave tweets:
Apparently, the blue checkmarks next to the twit’s name mean the person is actually the real person and not a robot or a cat. Musk quickly realized in order to make money off Twitter he had to sell something, so why not these blue checkmarks? Makes sense! We could all have one! We could all be special!!! For 8 bucks a month!
Thankfully, America’s Favorite Sweetheart and actress Valerie Bertinelli immediately realized that giving every idiot and robot cat out there this elite status symbol might be a problem.
Valerie changed her name to Elon Musk and started posting politically charged tweets in his name. Yikes. How delicious.
Soon all the robot cats were Elon Musk. So Elon took away the blue checkmarks. Then added gray checkmarks. Then took those away. Then nodded off for a well-deserved nap in his Snuggie.
The inevitable destruction of Twitter is so alarming that people are already jumping the twit ship. But have no fear, they’re already flocking to other social media platforms so they can continue to blab every single banal thought that crosses their synapses into the swirling black hole of obscurity that is our society today.
After all is tweeted and done, somehow, someway I think we will all survive Chief Twit Elon Musk and his spectacular takedown of a social media site that was a complete and utter waste of time anyway.
Keep the faith and fight on, twits of America!