Twitter is in the Sh*tter

I don’t know about you, but oftentimes I ask myself, Self? What would you do with 44 billion dollars? I have loads of ideas. I would donate a billion to the animal shelter, give a billion to the children’s hospital, spend a billion on Reese’s peanut butter cups and Snuggies. You can never have too many Snuggies.

OR…I know this is a crazy idea but stay with me now….I could run a social media platform straight into the ground at lightning speed!

Oh, Elon. Poor poor Elon. He had such hopes and dreams for Twitter. Twitter — that bastion of goodwill, peace and love! The place where adults gather to spew their inane thoughts into the void for all the world to ignore. Really, what is Twitter for anyway? Asking for a friend.

And that friend is Elon Musk.

To be honest, I know practically nothing about Elon Musk. I know he’s the richest man in the world. I know he named one of his kids XYZ squared. I thought he was smart. I thought that being super rich meant you had a grasp on reality.

Me likey sinks.

What I do know is I have never actually been on Twitter more than I have lately. To be honest, I have never really understood Twitter’s appeal. Watching it implode at such breakneck speed is endlessly entertaining for me. Some of my fave tweets:

Apparently, the blue checkmarks next to the twit’s name mean the person is actually the real person and not a robot or a cat. Musk quickly realized in order to make money off Twitter he had to sell something, so why not these blue checkmarks? Makes sense! We could all have one! We could all be special!!! For 8 bucks a month!

YOU GET A BLUE CHECKMARK! AND YOU GET A BLUE CHECKMARK!

Thankfully, America’s Favorite Sweetheart and actress Valerie Bertinelli immediately realized that giving every idiot and robot cat out there this elite status symbol might be a problem.

Ooh, the shit’s gonna hit the fan, Ma!

Valerie changed her name to Elon Musk and started posting politically charged tweets in his name. Yikes. How delicious.

Soon all the robot cats were Elon Musk. So Elon took away the blue checkmarks. Then added gray checkmarks. Then took those away. Then nodded off for a well-deserved nap in his Snuggie.

The inevitable destruction of Twitter is so alarming that people are already jumping the twit ship. But have no fear, they’re already flocking to other social media platforms so they can continue to blab every single banal thought that crosses their synapses into the swirling black hole of obscurity that is our society today.

After all is tweeted and done, somehow, someway I think we will all survive Chief Twit Elon Musk and his spectacular takedown of a social media site that was a complete and utter waste of time anyway.

Keep the faith and fight on, twits of America!

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20 thoughts on “Twitter is in the Sh*tter

  1. He’s young in this Internet age, and is possibly too insulated by wealth to truly realize the universe once ran itself (and we, ourselves) without online yeas and nays –funny as many are. (I am thoroughly puzzled by the sink, though.)

  2. Excellent overview of the state of Twitterville. Really, people, try picking up a book instead of reading that junk. On another note, I’m very sad about his child’s name and hope they change it to something like Bill or Susie.

  3. I tried Twitter once. Six years ago. For about an hour. Then my sanity returned (or my blood pressure medication kicked in) and I deleted the app in a moment of clarity. Since then I have lived in blissful Twitlessness. And for the first time ever I feel I was actually ahead of the curve on something!

  4. I don’t use Twitter in general, but found it handy recently when driving over a mountain pass and learning it was going to be closed at 6 pm because of weather. We went through around 2 pm. Good for last minute, up to date stuff and that’s about it.

  5. You literally just saved me from having to read about what’s happening with Twitter, so thank you! (I have seen all the articles in the news, but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to go down this particular rabbit hole). The only place where I think we part company here, is that I personally feel that one can’t have too many peanut butter cups rather than Snuggie’s. But fair-minded people can choose to disagree. – Marty

    1. You are so welcome, Marty. Going down that twitter rabbit hole was dangerous. I hope to make it back out alive or at least with some of my brain cells intact. And yes, if it came down to it, I would choose peanut butter cups over Snuggies any day!

  6. I follow about a dozen interesting, common sense people on Twitter and so far there has been no change in anything post-Elon other than that they wish him all the best during a chaotic transition. It seems to me that the man who owns and successfully runs Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink and The Boring Company is probably going to successfully make ‘a digital town square’ happen.

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