Baby you can’t drive my car

Here's a short list of the few things in life that scare the crap out of me: spiders flying politics my 15-year-old son taking Driver's Ed flying spiders Alas, the time has come. Next week, The Boy Who Can't Be Named Because He'd Die of Embarrassment, will be driving a 4000-pound car down the road. …

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Keeping Up With My Mom

Because nothing says Happy Mother’s Day more than chest cracks and balls of light.

She's A Maineiac

I live next door to my 82-year-old mother. She has never driven a car, loves to read New Age books, and lives for the moment her mail is delivered. Five other notable things about her:

  1. She eats her hamburger in between two toasted (burnt to a crisp) rice cakes because she’s “probably allergic to gluten”.
  2. She once thought my late dad was communicating to her through her smoke detector.
  3. She firmly believes in the afterlife and brings up her own imminent death at least once a day.  (Then why bother with the rice cakes?)

    1004967_10152271173837873_92569745_n My mom asking the waitress, “Yes, I’d like the hamburger but without the bun. Do you have any rice cakes? And could you turn this music down? How am I supposed to think about what I can’t eat with all this racket!”

  4. There is nothing she hates more than when I try to assist her in…

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Sorry, God

Are you there God? It's me, jackass. I've been reading several books on near death experiences about people who've apparently died, only to come back to life so they can tell us what happens when you cross over. Most of the stories are similar: there's a long tunnel, a bright light, all-encompassing love,  indescribable peace...yadda, yadda, yadda... …

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Hey, Google Home? Eff off.

This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home. This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell's nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact …

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All Blogs Must Pass

The standard life and death and rebirth of a typical blog.

Sequoia

I dreamed of shadows and sheltered things beneath the tree with golden leaves. Today the mighty trunk sliced bare as bone, the rings rough and splintered, you take my hand as we count the lives together. A thousand deaths, a thousand loves, a thousand circles bound us with frayed fibers, spinning its thread, the splinters …

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The Bad Psychic

Ronald MacDonald was a bad psychic. Growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Punta Gorda, his childhood dream was simple: to help people understand that there is more to life than just the physical world. And also -- no, he's not friends with the Hamburgler, so just shut the hell up about it. Ronald's first …

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My Doomsday Bucket List

Get ready! Today is End of the World Day (again)! I've already prepared a to-do list: Shampoo hair. Rinse. Repent. Repeat. Rent a limo and cruise through the streets of New York City eating a slice of hot pizza. Beg the Messiah to absolve me of all my sins. Binge-watch Outlander. Check the Second Coming …

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Nuclear Bedtime Stories

I have a lot of things going against me: I'm from Maine; I'm a woman; I'm a Virgo; I'm introverted; I don't know how to use semicolons effectively. These aspects of my personality result in a few glaring facts -- I have no tact, I think too much, I talk a lot, I make too …

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White House in Crisis: Fresh Outta Crises

Last week, on a steamy morning deep in the bowels of our nation's capital, CNN reporters gathered in the press room prepared to hear the latest news from the White House. After patiently waiting for several hours, the reporters grew concerned. Not because they noticed anything amiss -- I mean, let's get real, these guys …

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