Hey, losers! It’s me, the President of the United States.
Yes, I am still here.
No, I don’t want to be here anymore.
So please enjoy my top 11 Reasons Why Being Prez Sucks Bigly Time:
11) Thought it would be more like that movie where the bratty kid gets all the ice cream in the world served to him in a king-sized bed.
10) No hookers.
9) No p*****s worth grabbing anywhere, let me tell you.
8) White House staff didn’t like my idea of putting Sean Spicer and James Comey inside a massive hedge maze with one bag of Doritos, an ax, and no way out.
7) All these meetings with all the talk-talk-talk and blah-blah-blah and this-n-that and poopie-doopie-doo. Just shut the hell up and let me nap.
6) Me no likey thinking! Thinking hard!
5) I miss my spectacular view of all the numbnuts protesting outside Trump Tower. White House is not high enough! How am I supposed to look down on people? SAD!
4) No gold-plated anything.
3) NO SPRINKLES FOR MY ICE CREAM!
2) NO SPRINKLES FOR MY ICE CREAM!
1) I ask you–how am I supposed to live without sprinkles? OUTRAGEOUS!
So that’s my list and it’s amazing.
Stay tuned for more hijinks and mayhem as I continue my spectacular quest to get impeached — including hiring a skywriter to fly over the White House every hour with the words: GET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT MY MOMMY! and a photo op of me having a “Bed-In” with Putin and Kim Jong-Un I like to call, “Give Dictators a Chance”.