Baby you can’t drive my car

Here's a short list of the few things in life that scare the crap out of me: spiders flying politics my 15-year-old son taking Driver's Ed flying spiders Alas, the time has come. Next week, The Boy Who Can't Be Named Because He'd Die of Embarrassment, will be driving a 4000-pound car down the road. …

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The Final Curtain

  This is a true story that happened over 13 years ago.   "Say your goodbye," the emergency room doctor suggested, his eyes brimming with compassion. But the deep wrinkles etched across his brow revealed the weariness of all the pain and death they had witnessed behind the hastily drawn curtain. Say your goodbye. The …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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Planting the Seeds of Change

"An eye for an eye is just wrong, Mom." My 12-year-old son was explaining his feelings on law and order from thousands of years ago. His homework was to determine if justice involved cutting off a person's hand if he were caught stealing food. "Why is it wrong? Wasn't he wrong to steal?" I asked …

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Why Tony Bennett Never Calls My Mom

My 80-year-old mother has a very full, active life. She knits. She reads. She waits for the mail. Oh -- and she constantly complains to me about receiving prerecorded scam phone calls. "He called me again the other day!" she scowls at me over her coffee mug. "Who? Your boyfriend Tony Bennett?" We both laugh. This joke never …

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Happy Impending Death Day!

Our culture doesn't do so well with death. We don't like to talk about it or even think about it. Except for people who were born and raised in Maine. We're more down-to-earth types who treat death like it's a bad dentist appointment. Yeah it's gonna happen to you one day so you might as well suck it up, deal …

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Getting to the End is the Point

The month of June will forever spin the threads of two momentous occasions together in my mind. Graduation and Father's Day. The last time I graduated college in 1993 there was no pomp but plenty of circumstance.  The day I received my degree I simply opened my mailbox, ran my fingers under the edge of the thick manila …

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Phone Calls

Talking to a young child on the phone is an exercise in patience. The endless grueling-marathon kind of exercise that gets you nowhere fast and ends with you repeatedly jamming your smart phone into your eye socket. Yesterday I was out on errands and needed to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy for my husband. …

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Becoming Mom

I find it incredible how quickly life can change. One minute you're thinking, "I will never have kids and I will never be a mom!" and the next one you're thinking, "How in the hell do I clean baby poop off the ceiling? And off the drapes, the couch, my shirt and my face?" When …

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Oh, don’t mind me — I’ll be livin’ in a box down by the river.

Our mid-winter school vacation has ended. I spent 11 days trapped inside a small apartment with my kids. We had four snowstorms last week alone. Coincidentally, our electronic "human-ignorer" gadgets decided to collectively shit the bed. My laptop froze. The tablet became possessed. Netflix was toast. My toaster still worked. Thank god. So we were forced …

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