I don't know about you, but oftentimes I ask myself, Self? What would you do with 44 billion dollars? I have loads of ideas. I would donate a billion to the animal shelter, give a billion to the children's hospital, spend a billion on Reese's peanut butter cups and Snuggies. You can never have too …
Category: Humor
Quiet Quitting & Blasé Blogging
Hey kids! Have you heard of the latest craze to sweep our fine nation? No? Me neither. I am so out of the loop I asked my 15-year-old daughter last week if she was going to go out and buy the new Taylor Swift album and she smirked, "Buy? Buy what? The album? What?! No! …
Zoom is Slowly Destroying My Soul (and other tales from the dark side)
Okay, let's put this out there from the start: we are all going through some truly insane times right now. I don't know about you, but overnight I went from bitching about the lack of a good bagel in Maine to sitting in terror watching the nightly news as a steady stream of blood spurts …
Continue reading Zoom is Slowly Destroying My Soul (and other tales from the dark side)
I Quit
I gave up coffee. But not plaid*. I'm not insane. And no, this wasn't some lame new year's resolution. I completely stopped my intake of all forms of caffeine on a cloudy Tuesday in the middle of April last year. Not a memorable day like New Year's Day, but pretty significant nonetheless for the smug …
Ode from the Commode: A Thanksgiving Plea
To Whom It May Concern: I write to you with the fervent hopethat my plight may soon be known.My ordeal began as soon as I plunkedmy ass on the porcelain throne. It seems mixing shots of tequilawith gravy-smothered pitawas clearly not the way to go. Hence, my ass exploded,the tidy bowl overloaded,and the septic tank …
You Got a Problem
Last week a repairman came over to the house to check out our furnace. It was buzzing and clicking and gurgling, so naturally I was concerned it might blow up and destroy half the neighborhood. Repairmen always do the same thing. They waltz into your house and snicker, “So what’s the problem?” When I try …
The Kids Weren’t Alright
Alright, alright, alright... It was summer 1982 at the local clam festival. My best friend and I weaved through the crowds that reeked of coconut sunscreen, ganja, and fried dough. Asia's "Heat of the Moment" blasted from a boom box in the distance. Determined with a laser-focus only an 11-year-old could possess, we zeroed in …
Diagnosis: Not Young
"According to your MRI results here, you have an incurable condition known as Advanced Haggy-Saggy Bags." I'm turning (ahem, cough, sputter, gasp, defibrillator) 49 years old in September. Do you think you're also getting older? (I hear it's a thing.) Here's a few warning signs: Bread is too spicy.You think Abe Vigoda is sexy. Then …
Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic
Last Sunday, I broke the sound barrier in my living room. Have you ever heard a high-pitched screech that was so annoying and loud you wanted to scrape your own ears out with a fork? That was me during the commercials. I hate Taco Bell. Okay, so I guess I get a little excited watching …
13 Ways I Live On the Edge
The dentist recommends I floss at least once a day. Some days I don't floss. And I still have my teeth. Take that, Mr. Know-It-All Dentist. Advil's recommended dose for 12 years and up is one capsule, then two if needed every four to six hours. Oh yeah? Well, I'm taking two pills. At the same …
She's A Maineiac 