Diagnosis: Not Young

"According to your MRI results here, you have an incurable condition known as Advanced Haggy-Saggy Bags." I'm turning (ahem, cough, sputter, gasp, defibrillator) 49 years old in September. Do you think you're also getting older? (I hear it's a thing.) Here's a few warning signs: Bread is too spicy.You think Abe Vigoda is sexy. Then …

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Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic

Last Sunday, I broke the sound barrier in my living room. Have you ever heard a high-pitched screech that was so annoying and loud you wanted to scrape your own ears out with a fork? That was me during the commercials. I hate Taco Bell. Okay, so I guess I get a little excited watching …

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13 Ways I Live On the Edge

The dentist recommends I floss at least once a day. Some days I don't floss. And I still have my teeth. Take that, Mr. Know-It-All Dentist. Advil's recommended dose for 12 years and up is one capsule, then two if needed every four to six hours. Oh yeah? Well, I'm taking two pills. At the same …

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Church Chat

If there's one thing I dread discussing -- it's religion. All those pesky questions: Who created us? How did we get here? Why are we here? Where are my car keys? I just had them a second ago and -- oh. Someone put them in the fridge. Ahem. Anyway. So yes...lots of questions. If you …

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This is (Almost) 50

I bought a high-powered magnifying mirror the other day. Just what I need, all the horrifying details of my face magnified 10,000 times. I peered into the mirror to begin ripping out my eyebrows when, WHOA! HOLY HELL! MY FACE IS OLD! AND UGLY! AND COVERED IN HAIR! I LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A …

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Baby you can’t drive my car

Here's a short list of the few things in life that scare the crap out of me: spiders flying politics my 15-year-old son taking Driver's Ed flying spiders Alas, the time has come. Next week, The Boy Who Can't Be Named Because He'd Die of Embarrassment, will be driving a 4000-pound car down the road. …

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Sorry, God

Are you there God? It's me, jackass. I've been reading several books on near death experiences about people who've apparently died, only to come back to life so they can tell us what happens when you cross over. Most of the stories are similar: there's a long tunnel, a bright light, all-encompassing love,  indescribable peace...yadda, yadda, yadda... …

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Hey, Google Home? Eff off.

This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home. This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell's nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact …

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The Bad Psychic

Ronald MacDonald was a bad psychic. Growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Punta Gorda, his childhood dream was simple: to help people understand that there is more to life than just the physical world. And also -- no, he's not friends with the Hamburgler, so just shut the hell up about it. Ronald's first …

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My Doomsday Bucket List

Get ready! Today is End of the World Day (again)! I've already prepared a to-do list: Shampoo hair. Rinse. Repent. Repeat. Rent a limo and cruise through the streets of New York City eating a slice of hot pizza. Beg the Messiah to absolve me of all my sins. Binge-watch Outlander. Check the Second Coming …

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