The Bad Psychic

Ronald MacDonald was a bad psychic. Growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Punta Gorda, his childhood dream was simple: to help people understand that there is more to life than just the physical world. And also -- no, he's not friends with the Hamburgler, so just shut the hell up about it. Ronald's first …

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My Doomsday Bucket List

Get ready! Today is End of the World Day (again)! I've already prepared a to-do list: Shampoo hair. Rinse. Repent. Repeat. Rent a limo and cruise through the streets of New York City eating a slice of hot pizza. Beg the Messiah to absolve me of all my sins. Binge-watch Outlander. Check the Second Coming …

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Nuclear Bedtime Stories

I have a lot of things going against me: I'm from Maine; I'm a woman; I'm a Virgo; I'm introverted; I don't know how to use semicolons effectively. These aspects of my personality result in a few glaring facts -- I have no tact, I think too much, I talk a lot, I make too …

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White House in Crisis: Fresh Outta Crises

Last week, on a steamy morning deep in the bowels of our nation's capital, CNN reporters gathered in the press room prepared to hear the latest news from the White House. After patiently waiting for several hours, the reporters grew concerned. Not because they noticed anything amiss -- I mean, let's get real, these guys …

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Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled "Kim Kardashian Boobs"! Not only do I blog here at She's a Maineiac, I'm also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives. You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses …

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Just Another Maineiac Monday

Lately, I've had zero time to blog. So I thought I'd quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that's currently taking up all of my precious time. Let's start with Gordon Ramsay. My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here's just a sampling: …

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Top Eleven Things I Hate About Being President

Hey, losers! It's me, the President of the United States. Yes, I am still here. No, I don't want to be here anymore. So please enjoy my top 11 Reasons Why Being Prez Sucks Bigly Time: 11) Thought it would be more like that movie where the bratty kid gets all the ice cream in …

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Bigly News!

I've been coughing up posts for this blog for almost seven years now -- for free and with absolutely zero chance of ever gaining any real success or exposure beyond the 200 pathetic cats that read my drivel. Well, that's about to change. I've just received news through my agent that Melissa McCarthy has signed …

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The Cat Who Thinks She’s a Dog

...A Cautionary Tail... I love cats. Always have, always will. Why? They don't talk. They don't have political views. They don't talk about politics. They don't talk. I consider their personalities sort of like mine: introverted, opinionated, always critical of others -- but in that endearing, almost imperceptibly smug way. I also equally adore dogs, …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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