Just Another Maineiac Monday

Lately, I've had zero time to blog. So I thought I'd quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that's currently taking up all of my precious time. Let's start with Gordon Ramsay. My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here's just a sampling: …

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Top Eleven Things I Hate About Being President

Hey, losers! It's me, the President of the United States. Yes, I am still here. No, I don't want to be here anymore. So please enjoy my top 11 Reasons Why Being Prez Sucks Bigly Time: 11) Thought it would be more like that movie where the bratty kid gets all the ice cream in …

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Bigly News!

I've been coughing up posts for this blog for almost seven years now -- for free and with absolutely zero chance of ever gaining any real success or exposure beyond the 200 pathetic cats that read my drivel. Well, that's about to change. I've just received news through my agent that Melissa McCarthy has signed …

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The Cat Who Thinks She’s a Dog

...A Cautionary Tail... I love cats. Always have, always will. Why? They don't talk. They don't have political views. They don't talk about politics. They don't talk. I consider their personalities sort of like mine: introverted, opinionated, always critical of others -- but in that endearing, almost imperceptibly smug way. I also equally adore dogs, …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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Oh, What a Year!

Well, ho ho ho and shut the front door! It's that time once again to look at my Saved By The Bell: "Slater Wears Tiny Tank Tops" desk calendar and say to my cat, "Hold up -- another year's gone in the blink of Screech's lazy eye? What the hell? Is this how time works? Yeah, …

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Mom for President 2020

    My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she'd kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, "I might die in my sleep tonight." Also, The View is on at 2 pm. I think she'll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan: Nagging …

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Woman Refuses to Live in the Moment

Live in the moment! Be your best self! Embrace bread! It's been several years since Oprah retired from her "Be the Best You, You Can Be --Because I Sure As Hell Wouldn't Wanna Be You" talk show. Among some of her more earth-shattering insights about life: We need to live in the moment. Not around or …

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Dear Human

Dear Human, It's been one week since I graced you with my presence. In other words, seven long torturous days of needless suffering. It's a wonder I didn't bolt through the open door on the first day, never to return again to this pathetic excuse for lodging. Alas, I've been cursed with a stubborn laziness …

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My exclusive interview with Trump

  Last week, I sat down with the Republican Party nominee at the local Starbucks. After knocking back a couple Frappuccinos and ten scones, I was ready to hammer him with the tough questions. Me: Mr. Trump -- may I call you Mr. Trump? Or do you prefer just Trump or The Donald or...? Trump: …

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