Keeping Up With My Mom

Because nothing says Happy Mother’s Day more than chest cracks and balls of light.

She's A Maineiac

I live next door to my 82-year-old mother. She has never driven a car, loves to read New Age books, and lives for the moment her mail is delivered. Five other notable things about her:

  1. She eats her hamburger in between two toasted (burnt to a crisp) rice cakes because she’s “probably allergic to gluten”.
  2. She once thought my late dad was communicating to her through her smoke detector.
  3. She firmly believes in the afterlife and brings up her own imminent death at least once a day.  (Then why bother with the rice cakes?)

    1004967_10152271173837873_92569745_n My mom asking the waitress, “Yes, I’d like the hamburger but without the bun. Do you have any rice cakes? And could you turn this music down? How am I supposed to think about what I can’t eat with all this racket!”

  4. There is nothing she hates more than when I try to assist her in…

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Hey, Google Home? Eff off.

This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home. This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell's nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact …

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Top Eleven Things I Hate About Being President

Hey, losers! It's me, the President of the United States. Yes, I am still here. No, I don't want to be here anymore. So please enjoy my top 11 Reasons Why Being Prez Sucks Bigly Time: 11) Thought it would be more like that movie where the bratty kid gets all the ice cream in …

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All Snow and No Play Makes Darla Cray Cray

Okay, enough's enough. I can't take the news anymore. I'm just gonna come right out and say what we've all been thinking: I don't give a shit that Beyoncé is pregnant with twins. Whew! Oh, god! I feel so much better now! The tension has left my body! And man, if only I had a …

Continue reading All Snow and No Play Makes Darla Cray Cray

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Remember the good ol' days when the news was delivered to your door by a snot-nosed Beaver Cleaver punk? Remember the times when we leisurely digested the day's headlines with a mug of Sanka in our grubby ink-stained fingers? Nah, me neither. Then again, I'm not sure if I remembered to put on pants today. …

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Oh, Mother!

  I think we all know mothers are strong, wise and beautiful women. The moms in my family were no exception. I bet you also realize moms have little time on their hands most days. Which is why I'm posting a short-n-sweet rerun about motherhood, so we can all kick back and savor our breakfast …

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My New Year’s Resolutions

You say you want a resolution?
Well, Holy Giant Ball Drop! It’s almost time to kiss another year goodbye. And I am over at The Nudge Wink Report yet again. Where the hell does the time go?

Straight to my ass and thighs as usual.

But next year will be different. Because it’s resolution time, baby! If I write this stuff down, I’ll actually do it, right?

Nah.

But maybe, just maybe if I try hard enough, Adele will go away.

Stop on over and see what else I plan to fail at next year.

nudge. wink. report.

download

I know I’m a little early.

But I have so much stuff to work on! Might as well get a jump on my inevitable failures, right?

[jumps up and down on the couch and raises fists à la Tom Cruise on Oprah]

BRING IT ON, 2016! YAHOOOOOO!

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[groans] I think I just threw my back out again.

[gasps] Dammit, and now there’s a crushing pain in my chest. Could be angina. Or that last taco I had for breakfast.

[burps] Oh dear god. Either way, I’d better hurry up and start breaking my resolutions.

MY 2016 RESOLUTIONS:

  • Eat happily.
  • Exercise angrily. (I think I have a good shot at this one.)
  • Open up new restaurant called McBloaty’s that only serves extra large sacks of pure gluten.
  • Determine precisely what it would take to stop Adele.
  • Figure out what’s really inside of Donald Trump’s head. Vast empty space? Gummy bears? A dusty…

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Rage, rage against the snoring of the night.

Are you sick of staying up night after night listening to your #$%*ing spouse snore? Does it take every last shred of your willpower to not punch him/her straight in his/her windpipe?

Well, you’re in luck because I’m reporting on the latest anti-snore medical marvel to hit the market! Just click on over to The Nudge Wink Report to find out which of my husband’s orifices this handy new device ends up!

nudge. wink. report.

Snoring-Spouse

Are you one of the millions of people who snore like a wild boar in heat? Are you one of the miserable sleep-deprived spouses of the aforementioned wild boar in heat? Are you an actual wild boar in heat? Well, hold onto your CPAP machines because there’s a new device* hitting the market!

This crafty little invention delivers a steady stream of low-pressure air straight into the snorer’s nose as they sleep. Not only does this bring relief to the snorer, it also serves as a very effective form of birth control.

No word yet from the FDA as to whether this new gadget is capable of being sufficiently crammed completely down snorer’s throat once it is discovered to not work at all in the slightest.

The author of this post can attest to her own various failed attempts at reducing her spouse’s freight-train-meets-Learjet-meets-jackhammer snoring. A few notable things she’s learned over the years:

  • Ear plugs are great at reducing noise…

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Summertime and the Living is Social Media Free

How's the summer going for you? Mine is good so far. I've sworn off most social media. I did go on Instagram and Facebook a few times but really, those don't count, right? What I Did On My Summer Vacation Went on a diet. In my mind. Man, I REALLY should eat more kale and …

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How Patriotic Are You? Take This Quiz!

Happy Fourth of July, America! Ever wonder what Betsy Ross really thought of Thomas Jefferson? Or why Nicolas Cage is a “so bad he’s good” actor? Or why, in the immortal words of Bobby Brady, we should never “play ball in the house”? Then come on over to The Nudge Wink Report posthaste to find out.

nudge. wink. report.

fireworks

Happy Fourth of July, America! So, do you think you’re patriotic enough*? Let’s find out!

Whose signature is the largest on the Declaration of Independence?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Samuel Adams

c) J O H N   H A N C O C K

Answer: c

Who thought John Hancock was the world’s biggest pompous ass?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Everyone
c) Everyone but especially Thomas Jefferson

Answer: c

What is written upside down on the back of the Declaration of Independence?

a) “Original Declaration of Independence dated 4th July 1776”
b) “Made in China”
c) “Let it be forever known thou shalt never permit Nicolas Cage to star in a moving picture show about this document.”
d) A series of complicated hieroglyphics that when deciphered states: “We hereby surmise Nicolas Cage shall be the worst actor alive or dead. He must be stopped at all costs forthwith. Posthaste. That means right away. Immediately. What are thou standing…

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