How Patriotic Are You? Take This Quiz!

Happy Fourth of July, America! Ever wonder what Betsy Ross really thought of Thomas Jefferson? Or why Nicolas Cage is a “so bad he’s good” actor? Or why, in the immortal words of Bobby Brady, we should never “play ball in the house”? Then come on over to The Nudge Wink Report posthaste to find out.

nudge. wink. report.

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Happy Fourth of July, America! So, do you think you’re patriotic enough*? Let’s find out!

Whose signature is the largest on the Declaration of Independence?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Samuel Adams

c) J O H N   H A N C O C K

Answer: c

Who thought John Hancock was the world’s biggest pompous ass?

a) Thomas Jefferson
b) Everyone
c) Everyone but especially Thomas Jefferson

Answer: c

What is written upside down on the back of the Declaration of Independence?

a) “Original Declaration of Independence dated 4th July 1776”
b) “Made in China”
c) “Let it be forever known thou shalt never permit Nicolas Cage to star in a moving picture show about this document.”
d) A series of complicated hieroglyphics that when deciphered states: “We hereby surmise Nicolas Cage shall be the worst actor alive or dead. He must be stopped at all costs forthwith. Posthaste. That means right away. Immediately. What are thou standing…

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My Exclusive Interview With Tom Brady

Did the New England Patriots really cheat? Should Tom Brady dump Gisele? Is Abe Vigoda sexy? How many times can a person say the word “balls” before a grown man cracks?

Find out all this and more! Head on over to The Nudge Wink Report where I dig deep into the dark recesses of Brady’s chin dimple to finally get to the truth. I think you can handle it. Probably.

nudge. wink. report.

Last night I had the privilege to chat with America’s sweetheart and my former boyfriend*, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady.

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DISCLAIMER: This interview took place entirely in a dream. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or undead is purely intentional. During interview either Tom or I might have been either partially or completely naked. Fine, Tom was naked. Just Tom. Because it’s my dream and I can do what I like while I’m sleeping.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She’s a Maineiac: Hey, Tommy boy! Welcome to my dream! How’s it going?

Tom Brady: Aw c’mon! Golly gee, let’s just cut to the chase. Don’t you mean, “how’s it hanging?”

SAM: (tilting head) Why would I ask “how’s it hanging?”

TB: Because of my balls …?

SAM: I’m not following.

TB: Y’know, how is it … hanging?

SAM: (stares blankly)

TB: … Deflating …?

SAM: Oh! (pauses) Yeah, I still don’t get it.

TB: MY BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! (weeps into…

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Mishmash Monday

Hello there! How the hell are you? Just a friendly message letting you all know I can't write anymore. No, wait! Don't leave me! Come back! This is serious! I got nuthin'! My bloggy well ran dry. My bloggy liquor cabinet has been emptied. My bloggy fridge has nothing but a half-drunk bottle of PBR and my bloggy pantry is …

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Why I Should Be On Survivor

Hey kids, big news! I’m an official field reporter for the WordPress recommended humor blog, The Nudge Wink Report. Want to know my greatest fear? Or why I’m so ticked off at Jeff Probst? Check out my first post, Why I should be on Survivor.

nudge. wink. report.

Survivor30logo

Survivor kicked off it’s 30th season last month with Worlds Apart set off the coast of Nicaragua. Once again I was glued to the TV like a contestant’s soggy underwear to their nether regions in the sweltering tropical heat. A few Mainers have competed on the show over the years, with one actually winning the grand prize. (Anyone remember BobBest season evah.)

This year we have this man to cheer on: Dan from Gorham.

survivor-2015-dan-foley-06 image: survivorfandom

Wow. Ayuh, he certainly looks like a true Maineiac. Some highlights of his quest for the million dollars: Nobody on his tribe can stand him, he peed on his own jelly fish sting and he’s free-balling it because he lost his undies in the ocean. Yee-ouch! Looks like he’s all chafed up with no place to go. I have no idea what that means.

Watching this middle-aged postal worker slog around the beach with his sweaty furry belly hanging out made me think,

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Why I Would Rather Try To Find The Funny Than The Meaning Of Life

What the world needs now is more humor and positivity. For me, finding the funny in life is like discovering a beacon of light in the darkness. It’s something we all desperately need these days. Thanks Peg for reminding us all to lighten up!

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

Sir Loin of Beef Sir Loin of Beef

Some look at life’s journey as a pitched battle, and some as a noble quest. Either way, a smart knight should be prepared for the dragons he or she is bound to encounter along the way. My weapon of choice is a feather duster.

It has only snowed once so far this weird winter.  I took advantage of the unlooked for boon of ice-free roads here in the country last week and went for a walk.  My mood was somber as I set off down the road, well bundled against the bracing cold.  I needed the lift that nature always gives me because I felt lower than I have felt in a long time.

I was thinking about my dear cousin, Moe. She’s experimenting with multiple chemo treatments, locked in mortal combat with the cancer that has spread despite her efforts. We recently learned that her…

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Blog Review 2014

Like most of us, I'm obsessed with meaningless numbers. Sadly, I tend to let them define my self-worth. I was born in 1970. I'm 140 pounds. I need to workout for 6,000 straight minutes to burn off the 3, 786 calorie doughnut I just inhaled. Somehow I think these numbers mean something. Yet no matter how much these numbers fluctuate (and …

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Confessions of an Introvert

Personalities are fascinating. You live your life thinking and behaving a certain way, only to realize other people don't and are therefore obviously complete lunatics. How we process social situations and how we make sense of the world can be traced to the inherent ways in which our brains are wired. Apparently, people are considered either introverted or extroverted. Of …

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I am a smartphone addict and the world is going to hell.

  Nomophobia -- the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. A drastic change happened in my life this past year. I ditched my trusty old flip phone from the dinosaur age -- the one I never texted on and barely used to even make phone calls -- for a damn smartphone. What the hell was I thinking? Now …

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Jeezum Crow! I’ve been Freshly Pressed!

Or as my mom would say: "You've been what now? Is this that evil computer thingamabob? You really should pick up a phone more and call me. I could be lying here dead in my rocking chair after having a heart attack while knitting your afghan. You know the one I've been working on for months in …

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Yes, I am a Woman.

Newsflash: We all have feminine and masculine tendencies. Naturally, some of us might be more on one side than the other regardless of our gender.  Some of us might have an equal balance of both. These traits might be due to our childhoods or because we were born that way. What I'm saying is -- enough already. Sheesh. Still some people automatically …

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