Hey, Google Home? Eff off.

This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home. This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell's nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact …

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All Blogs Must Pass

The standard life and death and rebirth of a typical blog.

Sequoia

I dreamed of shadows and sheltered things beneath the tree with golden leaves. Today the mighty trunk sliced bare as bone, the rings rough and splintered, you take my hand as we count the lives together. A thousand deaths, a thousand loves, a thousand circles bound us with frayed fibers, spinning its thread, the splinters …

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The Bad Psychic

Ronald MacDonald was a bad psychic. Growing up on the hardscrabble streets of Punta Gorda, his childhood dream was simple: to help people understand that there is more to life than just the physical world. And also -- no, he's not friends with the Hamburgler, so just shut the hell up about it. Ronald's first …

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My Doomsday Bucket List

Get ready! Today is End of the World Day (again)! I've already prepared a to-do list: Shampoo hair. Rinse. Repent. Repeat. Rent a limo and cruise through the streets of New York City eating a slice of hot pizza. Beg the Messiah to absolve me of all my sins. Binge-watch Outlander. Check the Second Coming …

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Nuclear Bedtime Stories

I have a lot of things going against me: I'm from Maine; I'm a woman; I'm a Virgo; I'm introverted; I don't know how to use semicolons effectively. These aspects of my personality result in a few glaring facts -- I have no tact, I think too much, I talk a lot, I make too …

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White House in Crisis: Fresh Outta Crises

Last week, on a steamy morning deep in the bowels of our nation's capital, CNN reporters gathered in the press room prepared to hear the latest news from the White House. After patiently waiting for several hours, the reporters grew concerned. Not because they noticed anything amiss -- I mean, let's get real, these guys …

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Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled "Kim Kardashian Boobs"! Not only do I blog here at She's a Maineiac, I'm also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives. You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses …

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Just Another Maineiac Monday

Lately, I've had zero time to blog. So I thought I'd quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that's currently taking up all of my precious time. Let's start with Gordon Ramsay. My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here's just a sampling: …

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The Final Curtain

  This is a true story that happened over 13 years ago.   "Say your goodbye," the emergency room doctor suggested, his eyes brimming with compassion. But the deep wrinkles etched across his brow revealed the weariness of all the pain and death they had witnessed behind the hastily drawn curtain. Say your goodbye. The …

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