Last week a repairman came over to the house to check out our furnace. It was buzzing and clicking and gurgling, so naturally I was concerned it might blow up and destroy half the neighborhood. Repairmen always do the same thing. They waltz into your house and snicker, “So what’s the problem?” When I try …
The Kids Weren’t Alright
Alright, alright, alright... It was summer 1982 at the local clam festival. My best friend and I weaved through the crowds that reeked of coconut sunscreen, ganja, and fried dough. Asia's "Heat of the Moment" blasted from a boom box in the distance. Determined with a laser-focus only an 11-year-old could possess, we zeroed in …
Happy Anniversary to Me
WordPress just informed me that I started this blog nine years ago today.And I thought it was a good time to tell you, my lovely readers, how much I appreciate you visiting, liking, commenting, and occasionally actually reading my posts all the way through. Thank you for sticking around all these years. For those that …
Diagnosis: Not Young
"According to your MRI results here, you have an incurable condition known as Advanced Haggy-Saggy Bags." I'm turning (ahem, cough, sputter, gasp, defibrillator) 49 years old in September. Do you think you're also getting older? (I hear it's a thing.) Here's a few warning signs: Bread is too spicy.You think Abe Vigoda is sexy. Then …
Meditation for Dumbasses
We've all heard the mantras: Live in the present. Let things go. Stop inhaling those damned Doritos. But how, when we've got so much to worry about? So much to get caught up in! Bills to pay and jobs to dread and social media to hate! We can't even turn our minds off long enough …
Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic
Last Sunday, I broke the sound barrier in my living room. Have you ever heard a high-pitched screech that was so annoying and loud you wanted to scrape your own ears out with a fork? That was me during the commercials. I hate Taco Bell. Okay, so I guess I get a little excited watching …
13 Ways I Live On the Edge
The dentist recommends I floss at least once a day. Some days I don't floss. And I still have my teeth. Take that, Mr. Know-It-All Dentist. Advil's recommended dose for 12 years and up is one capsule, then two if needed every four to six hours. Oh yeah? Well, I'm taking two pills. At the same …
Just Another Woman’s Story
When I was in my early 20s, my mother and I went for a walk along my favorite nature trail near Wolfe's Neck off the coast of Freeport. For years I would hike this same path by myself. I loved nothing more than to feel the sea breeze on my face and smell the salt …
Church Chat
If there's one thing I dread discussing -- it's religion. All those pesky questions: Who created us? How did we get here? Why are we here? Where are my car keys? I just had them a second ago and -- oh. Someone put them in the fridge. Ahem. Anyway. So yes...lots of questions. If you …
This is (Almost) 50
I bought a high-powered magnifying mirror the other day. Just what I need, all the horrifying details of my face magnified 10,000 times. I peered into the mirror to begin ripping out my eyebrows when, WHOA! HOLY HELL! MY FACE IS OLD! AND UGLY! AND COVERED IN HAIR! I LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A …
