Blogging

Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!

Hey kids! Want to become a blogger? It’s easy! Just do the following:

  1. Roll your eyes when blogger friend suggests you start a blog.
  2. Start blog.
  3. Write first post. Make sure it’s short and stupid because you’re certain no one will ever read it.
  4. Get two followers. Ego instantly inflates while at the same time you’re baffled someone willingly wants to read your writing.
  5. Write second post and this time make it way too long but still very stupid.
  6. No new followers. Tell yourself you don’t care. You’re writing for you, not them.
  7. Write third post, mention the Kardashians and add fun colorful images.
  8. Get first comment.
  9. Become obsessed with blogging.
  10. Write posts every other day.
  11. On the days you don’t write posts, think about brilliant ideas for posts.
  12. Think about dumb ideas for posts.
  13. Realize you have no way of differentiating what will be considered dumb or brilliant.
  14. Keep at least a dozen of the lamest posts half-finished in your draft folder in case of emergency.
  15. Write a post about writing or blogging.
  16. Get tons of new followers and more comments. Tell yourself you’re the best thing since microwaved pizza rolls.
  17. Tell spouse blogging will make you rich one day.
  18. Ignore work, chores, spouse, kids and hygiene so you can comment-bomb every blog on WordPress.
  19. Get to know a small circle of other bloggers in “real life”.
  20. Now blog only for the sense of community, not stats.
  21. Re-read older posts and think This is the worst shit I’ve ever read! I suck at writing! I’m a complete sham!
  22. Feel guilty.
  23. Wonder why people keep following blog.
  24. Wonder why you’re still not rich from blogging.
  25. Become jealous of the blogger who went “viral” with a half-assed post you could have written.
  26. Realize most of your followers never actually read anything you write.
  27. Start writing posts simply because you like to write.
  28. Tell yourself, screw the stats!
  29. Check stats.
  30. Weep.
  31. Tell yourself you’re done with blogging forever.
  32. Take blogging break.
  33. Wait for one week.
  34. Get a dumb idea for a post, like “Become a Blogger in 39 Easy Steps!”
  35. Write post because you have no choice, you need that fix.
  36. Hit publish button.
  37. Cry over your plate of microwaved pizza rolls.
  38. Wait for comments while telling yourself you don’t care and you’re done with blogging.
  39. Repeat steps 8 – 39.

 

 

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Humor

My Exclusive Interview With Me About My Blog

Greetings, fellow bloggers, non-bloggers, readers and non-readers!

Today I bring to you an in-depth interview I did with…myself.

Yes! And they say blogging is narcissistic.

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In this Q&A, I will attempt to probe into the deepest, darkest regions of the seedy blogging underbelly. I’ve been warned there’s lots of lint. And some grime. Y’know, stuff stuck up in the bellybutton area. Anyway, it’s pretty gross but it’s always good to get it all out.

Let’s begin.

Me: So, this blogging business…what gives?

She’s a Maineiac: Uh, I’m not sure. I don’t follow…

Me: What gives? I mean, what the hell? Seriously.

SaM: Well, I….I like to blog.

Me (leaning forward, narrowing eyes): Yes. But why. Why do it. Why do you blog?

SaM: To express myself. I guess. Yeah.

Me: Express what?

SaM: My inner thoughts?

Me: Why? For the love of God, why?

SaM: Um…..people like to read about them? Maybe? I don’t know.

Me: So you think the world needs to know about these… inner thoughts, these…gems of yours… these revelations that just pop into your brain willy-nilly?

SaM: Sure.

Me: (picking up laptop computer) I have here a post you wrote dated October 1st, 2012, In which you discuss your droopy boobs.

SaM: Ooh, see–yeah. That wasn’t my best work.

Me (pointing at computer screen): You detailed for your (making air quotes) “thousands” of readers how sad you get when you have to, quote, “pick them up to put them into your bra”. (glaring over eyeglasses)

SaM: That’s true.

Me: And you called this ‘Meloncholy’.

SaM (laughing):  Yeah.

Me: This is what you think people want to read. This is your contribution to society.

SaM: Well…

Me (pointing at computer screen): And here’s another post. About farting. And another. About how you broke your ass. And yet another…(glaring) about farting.

SaM: (looking down, silent)

Me: Okay. Enough of that. I’m getting depressed. Let’s talk money. Moulah.  How many Benji’s you picking up? How much dough you raking in? What’s the street value of She’s a Maineiac going for these days?

SaM: Oh, I don’t make any money! ha! HA-HA!

Me: Huh. Interesting. So let’s go back to why you blog.

SaM: For the connection? Yes! That’s it! I like to connect!

Me: With actual people? Are you sure?

catComputer

SaM: My readers, yes.

Me: Your readers? Oh! You mean SexyHotXXXLoveMachine69? Is that whom you want to connect with?

SaM: Look–I can’t control who subscribes to my blog. It’s out of my hands.

April-29-2012-15-59-17-fdgdf

Me: Control? And do you have control over when you blog? Or how often? Hmm?

SaM: Hey! I can stop at any time! Any time!

Me: Then stop right now.

SaM: What? That’s ridiculous. You mean–

Me: Stop. Blogging. Now.

SaM: Well, I-I just….look–just give me my laptop back…

Me: Let it go. Let it allllll go.

SaM: What? Let what go?

Me: I want you to admit you have a problem.

SaM: Just give me my laptop.

Me (holding laptop over head): Not until you tell the world right here, right now how you really feel about blogging. Spill it. Cleanse your soul.

SaM (reaching for laptop): Give it!

Me (slapping hand away): No.

SaM (standing up): Okay! OKAY! Fine! I love it! I love everything about it! I like how I get that cool orange notification thingy at the top of my screen when there’s a “like” on my post! Even if it’s from Ea$yBowelControlPillz! I love when I see I have a few comments within a few seconds of posting!   I love it when a commenter says they thought my post was funny! Even when I know damn well they didn’t read past the first sentence!

Me: Now don’t you–

SaM (weeping into hands): But I hate it! I hate that I love it! I don’t get why people read my blog! I don’t understand! I have no clue what I’m doing! I just write!  It’s all just utter nonsense! And they want to read it! (sobbing) I want to be a writer! But I’m not! I’m a blogger! Oh god! I don’t want to be a blogger! I’m a loser! I hate Facebook and twitter! I think the Internet is the root of all evil!  Whether the word ‘internet’ is capitalized or not! I can never remember what’s acceptable!

Me: Good. Now don’t you–

SaM: And it’s making my ass fat! It’s true! I blame Matt Mullenweg! And Mark Zuckerberg! Those too-smart-for-their-own-damn-good whippersnappers! They’ve ruined my life! I feel so ashamed! So dirty! I just want to die! (collapsing into a heap)

Me: There, there. Now don’t you feel better?

SaM (raising tear-stained face) No.

Me: Oh.

_____________________________________________________________

And that concludes my exclusive interview with addicted blogger,
She’s a Maineiac.

Stay tuned for

Part 2: The Freshly Pressed Curse

followed by

Part 3: WordPress Rehab with Dr. Drew

___________________________________________________________

Tell me, do you have a blogging addiction? Can you admit you have a problem?
That’s the first step, you know.
Maybe Dr. Darla and Dr. Drew can help.
Probably not. But it’s worth a shot.

blogger of the month

First and Last…with Elyse from FiftyFourandAHalf

Welcome to a new feature where I showcase a blogger every month!
It’s super cool and totally unoriginal!

Plus, Elyse really is the cat’s meow–you’ll love her, her writing and her blog.

So go on over and be sure to check out her two, yes, TWO Freshly Pressed posts, both with the words “Hey Doc” in the title.

Oh and she has two Academy awards! Well, she had them in her possession for at least a full minute or two. And in my book, that counts.

BLOGGER OF THE MONTH: MARCH 2013

Elyse

Name: Elyse

Blog: FiftyFourandAHalf

FIRST…

Blog Post:   Hello WorldInterestingly, it was about how they were going to change Medicare eligibility for folks over 55 – I was 6 months away and it seemed horribly unfair.  That was close to two years ago and I was 54-1/2.  Today I read that they’re talking about changing it for folks over 59.  I am 56.  Shit.

Kiss:  Ricky after our first date to see The Sword and the Stone.
Free_wallpaper_The_Sword_In_The_Stone
Ricky and I were 7 – he was the brother of my sister Beth’s date.  His brother made him kiss me goodnight.  We were both mortified.

Love:  Eddie in 9th/10th grade.  He had Type I diabetes (the only fight we had was when he wouldn’t eat the birthday cake I’d made for him.  I was a dope and didn’t understand).  I just Googled him.  Sadly he died in 2006 from complications of his diabetes.  I only just found out.

Childhood Memory:  I can clearly recall standing in my crib, not feeling very well.  My sisters in their beds across the room weren’t feeling very well either.  My mother was leaning over me, changing my sheets and said “Leasie, you can’t throw up again.  This is the last clean crib sheet.”  Guess what happened next!

gnome_throwing_up_rainbows_by_sublit-d5bt6g9

Moment I met my significant other:  I wrote about meeting my husband in this post:  A Love (?) Story

Time I did something really scary:  I grew up next to the New York-New Haven Railroad.  My brother and I used to wait for a train to round the bend about ½ mile away.  Then we’d pull down our pants and hop across the tracks with our pants between our ankles and our knees.  Thinking of it makes me shudder.

Time I felt ‘grown-up’:  The first time I bought my own socks.  Sometime around 1976, although I didn’t note the date.  I should have.  Nobody should have to spend their hard-earned money on socks.

ugly socks

Job I had:

Lobbyist responsible for getting Congress to designate 1985 as “The Oil Heat Centennial.”  I wish I were making that up.

Thing I think God will say to me at the pearly gates: “Elyse, you won’t need any more stinkin’ poop jokes up here.”

LAST…

Blog Post: A post for the THIS One Should Have Been Freshly Pressed series over at
Peg-o-leg’s Ramblings blog: Corrective Packaging

Thing I cooked:  Eggs over easy

Movie I saw:  Lincoln  (I don’t get out much)

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Book I read:  Ripple by Bloggin’ Buddy E.L. Farris of Running from Hell with El.  It is fantastic.

Music I listened to:  Linda Ronstadt’s “Don’t Cry Now” on the radio just as I got to work.

Reality TV show I watched:  I don’t.  Ever.  I do read the “recraps” from Speaker7, though.  I don’t understand the popularity of reality TV shows.  I don’t understand why anyone would want to participate in one.  I don’t understand what the world is coming to that this a major form of “entertainment.”  Any one of us bloggers could come up with a creative idea for a TV show.  Shoot me before you force me to watch a reality show, please.

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Person I kissed:  Cooper, my dog, this morning on my way out the door.  Dogs are people too.  And yes, my husband knows.

Time I cried:  Wait you want the dark stuff, too?  Just now, when I read that my very first real boyfriend (9th/10th grade) had died in 2006.

Time I laughed hysterically:  When I saw the pictures on your “Very Bad Profile Pics” post.  You are hilarious! [editor’s note: I really didn’t write this answer and no money changed hands, I swear.]

Embarrassing moment:  Isn’t that what my blog is all about? [editor’s note: Why yes, it is.]

Good deed I did:  Not running over that bicyclist last night who cut in front of me in traffic while dressed completely in black with no light and no reflective thingys on his bike.  Really, I should have gunned it.

Indulgence:  Milk Chocolate.  Not the dark crap that is supposedly healthy.

wonka

Uncategorized

On Blogging

Writing
Writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia) You’re right. Clearly, this is not me. Otherwise, I’d need some serious Nair, and I have no clue what it is that Robin Williams is holding but I think it’s some sort of writing tool…?

Look! I’ve written another post on writing! Wahoo!

Maybe it’s this long winter, maybe it’s because I’m bored and tired of putting together 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzles of lighthouses, but I want to ask you guys some questions.

This post is mainly directed toward the other bloggers out there.  My questions might be for research purposes (still waiting for Psychology Today to return my calls), but mainly for my own amusement.

Beats shoveling the driveway. And besides, there’s nothing on TV anyway.

Oh, and because I adore you so much, I want to pick your WordPress brains.

These questions are about blogging in general, but more about you. Your life, your personality.  Your reason for blogging, if any (hell, I only do it for the carpal tunnel syndrome), and more specifically, about your burning desire to write.

Fine, lukewarm desire.

  1. Why in the hell do you blog? I mean, really.  We all know that “for the endless amounts of cold hard cash” will never be an answer. What do you get out of it? The main thing that compels you to crank out yet another post. Is it to quiet the voices? You can’t afford a diary? Looking for a big book deal? To connect with others? Your therapist suggested it? Tell me. Be honest. (It’s to quiet the voices, isn’t it?)
  2. How did you discover blogging? What was your initial impression? I thought it was just an online journal no one would ever read or a fun way to let perfect strangers know embarrassing and intimate details of your life. Guess I wasn’t too far off with that guess.
  3. Were you shy and withdrawn as a child or gregarious?
  4. What does gregarious mean?
  5. How close is your ‘blogging’ persona to the real you? Any differences, similarities? If you’re really a Chinese robot, etc? Is your writing ‘voice’ the true you? Are you more guarded with your writing or more confident?
  6. How has blogging changed you or your life? It hasn’t? Aw, c’mon! Fess up. It’s made my ass much fatter.
  7. Do you consider yourself to be a ‘writer’? Explain why or why not.
  8. Do you prefer to write, then edit, edit, edit or just throw up on a page and be done with it?
  9. How confident are you after you hit that dreaded ‘publish’ button? Does it strike fear in your heart? Or do you not even care? If you don’t care at all, I’d like to have what you’re having. Also what Meg Ryan was having in When Harry Met Sally, but that’s another story for another time.
  10. Have you ever regretted something you’ve written? (like what I just wrote about Meg Ryan) If so, what was it and why, and can you give me a link to it?
  11. Have you ever been 100% satisfied with something you’ve written?
    Not one of my finest stories, I'll admit.
    Not one of my finest stories, I’ll admit.

    Do you view your writing as good, bad, so-so, or ‘eh, you really don’t care’? Do you ever look back at a post and cringe? And thought, good lord! that was pure crap on a stick!? Just me? Nevermind.

  12. When you write, do you have a certain audience in mind, or do you just go with your gut and let the words spew forth without a care who would like it or not? In other words, do you censor yourself at all?
  13. What will you never, ever, ever, like totally ever write about and why not?
  14. Can you write a post for me? Yeah, I’m fresh outta ideas at the moment as you can see…

Thank you. That is all.

Feel free to answer any and all questions below. Or in your own post. Or answer none. Right. Like that’ll happen. You’re a blogger. You’re a writer. We love to string words together and babble and drone on and on and on, it’s what we do best, am I right, huh, well am I, hmm?

Okay, that was a bad example.