Greetings, fellow bloggers, non-bloggers, readers and non-readers!
Today I bring to you an in-depth interview I did with…myself.
Yes! And they say blogging is narcissistic.
In this Q&A, I will attempt to probe into the deepest, darkest regions of the seedy blogging underbelly. I’ve been warned there’s lots of lint. And some grime. Y’know, stuff stuck up in the bellybutton area. Anyway, it’s pretty gross but it’s always good to get it all out.
Me: So, this blogging business…what gives?
She’s a Maineiac: Uh, I’m not sure. I don’t follow…
Me: What gives? I mean, what the hell? Seriously.
SaM: Well, I….I like to blog.
Me (leaning forward, narrowing eyes): Yes. But why. Why do it. Why do you blog?
SaM: To express myself. I guess. Yeah.
Me: Express what?
SaM: My inner thoughts?
Me: Why? For the love of God, why?
SaM: Um…..people like to read about them? Maybe? I don’t know.
Me: So you think the world needs to know about these… inner thoughts, these…gems of yours… these revelations that just pop into your brain willy-nilly?
Me: (picking up laptop computer) I have here a post you wrote dated October 1st, 2012, In which you discuss your droopy boobs.
SaM: Ooh, see–yeah. That wasn’t my best work.
Me (pointing at computer screen): You detailed for your (making air quotes) “thousands” of readers how sad you get when you have to, quote, “pick them up to put them into your bra”. (glaring over eyeglasses)
SaM: That’s true.
Me: And you called this ‘Meloncholy’.
SaM (laughing): Yeah.
Me: This is what you think people want to read. This is your contribution to society.
Me (pointing at computer screen): And here’s another post. About farting. And another. About how you broke your ass. And yet another…(glaring) about farting.
SaM: (looking down, silent)
Me: Okay. Enough of that. I’m getting depressed. Let’s talk money. Moulah. How many Benji’s you picking up? How much dough you raking in? What’s the street value of She’s a Maineiac going for these days?
SaM: Oh, I don’t make any money! ha! HA-HA!
Me: Huh. Interesting. So let’s go back to why you blog.
SaM: For the connection? Yes! That’s it! I like to connect!
Me: With actual people? Are you sure?
SaM: My readers, yes.
Me: Your readers? Oh! You mean SexyHotXXXLoveMachine69? Is that whom you want to connect with?
SaM: Look–I can’t control who subscribes to my blog. It’s out of my hands.
Me: Control? And do you have control over when you blog? Or how often? Hmm?
SaM: Hey! I can stop at any time! Any time!
Me: Then stop right now.
SaM: What? That’s ridiculous. You mean–
Me: Stop. Blogging. Now.
SaM: Well, I-I just….look–just give me my laptop back…
Me: Let it go. Let it allllll go.
SaM: What? Let what go?
Me: I want you to admit you have a problem.
SaM: Just give me my laptop.
Me (holding laptop over head): Not until you tell the world right here, right now how you really feel about blogging. Spill it. Cleanse your soul.
SaM (reaching for laptop): Give it!
Me (slapping hand away): No.
SaM (standing up): Okay! OKAY! Fine! I love it! I love everything about it! I like how I get that cool orange notification thingy at the top of my screen when there’s a “like” on my post! Even if it’s from Ea$yBowelControlPillz! I love when I see I have a few comments within a few seconds of posting! I love it when a commenter says they thought my post was funny! Even when I know damn well they didn’t read past the first sentence!
Me: Now don’t you–
SaM (weeping into hands): But I hate it! I hate that I love it! I don’t get why people read my blog! I don’t understand! I have no clue what I’m doing! I just write! It’s all just utter nonsense! And they want to read it! (sobbing) I want to be a writer! But I’m not! I’m a blogger! Oh god! I don’t want to be a blogger! I’m a loser! I hate Facebook and twitter! I think the Internet is the root of all evil! Whether the word ‘internet’ is capitalized or not! I can never remember what’s acceptable!
Me: Good. Now don’t you–
SaM: And it’s making my ass fat! It’s true! I blame Matt Mullenweg! And Mark Zuckerberg! Those too-smart-for-their-own-damn-good whippersnappers! They’ve ruined my life! I feel so ashamed! So dirty! I just want to die! (collapsing into a heap)
Me: There, there. Now don’t you feel better?
SaM (raising tear-stained face) No.
And that concludes my exclusive interview with addicted blogger,
She’s a Maineiac.
Stay tuned for
Part 2: The Freshly Pressed Curse
Part 3: WordPress Rehab with Dr. Drew
Tell me, do you have a blogging addiction? Can you admit you have a problem?
That’s the first step, you know.
Maybe Dr. Darla and Dr. Drew can help.
Probably not. But it’s worth a shot.