All Blogs Must Pass

Image result for blog
To every post (churn, churn, churn)
There is a season (churn, churn, churn)
And a time to every bloggy purpose, under heaven
A time to be write, a time to cry
A time to edit,  a time to die, words, die!
A time to be wracked with self-doubt, a time to heal
A time to alienate your entire family so you can waste precious time to write a post no one will ever read

Hey gang! There is still a gang out there, right? Hellllllllllloooooooooooo?

This year was my blog’s seventh anniversary. I was a spirited 39-year-old when I started She’s a Maineiac and now I’m still 39 so shut the hell up.

It’s been seven frigging years and I still, STILL! feel compelled to post crap at least once a month, much to my own chagrin. I feel like my blog has pretty much died a long slow death.  Or maybe it’s just in a coma and waiting for someone to wake it up so it will have amnesia and start over again with a new personality.  I like that idea! Hey, it worked for Sandra Bullock!
Image result for sandra bullock while you were sleeping
C’mon, Darla! Wake the f*** up! Also, you look like shit.
Let’s take a groovy-graphy trip down my so-called bloggy life’s past to see how things evolved over time….

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As we all know, everything has a purpose and a season under heaven.  I think it was George Harrison who once said, all things must pass. Or maybe it was Dr. Oz talking about constipation. We all know that life is an endless cycle of life, death, rebirth, and more life and more death and you get the picture.

The cool thing about a cycle is it can start fresh again, it can be reborn! Like my snazzy graph below illustrates….

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So, it appears I’m back to writing for only me again. Yikes. My blog readers have pretty much vanished. Blogs are dead. Disco is dead. Elvis is alive and well in an underground bunker in Albuquerque. This is good and bad. Lately, it seems I have forgotten how to write. I have that thing you get when you….what’s that called again?

But I do love to write for myself. Sure, I’ve started to rehash ideas and tend to do the same post over and over again and maybe I won’t ever get the level of readership I once had years ago. And maybe the grammar police will always be lurking around every dangling particle. And yes, I have no clue what that even means. I don’t care! I’m too old to care anymore! This is my place! I get to do whatever the heck I want here, gosh darnit! If you don’t like my blog, good riddance!

 

But you’ll stick around, right?

If you’re still here, tell me in the comments below about your blogging career. Did you make oodles of money and gain boundless fame? Or just a bigger ass like me?

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It’s Official: The Undead Exist! And they follow this blog.

keep-calm-and-hit-that-follow-button

Recently, several bloggers have noticed a sudden upswing in blog followers.  I’ve also seen my followers steadily climb from maybe a few a day to dozens a day. Yet, here I was, still just sitting on my couch in my pajamas, watching Wheel of Fortune and eating my way through yet another pint of Rocky Road.

Why me? Why all the attention? My writing hasn’t improved. My blog is still the same as it ever was….Hmm…could it be the entire world has realized all at once that I am, like, totally awesomesauce and amazeballs?

Nah. Methinks big money is involved somehow, and I am here to say, I want a piece of that action.

While some of these new subscribers are in fact, real live breathing people who for some unknown reason like to read my words (and I thank you from the bottom of my jaded little heart), I’m thinking a great majority of them aren’t real. So I’ve devised a list of who I think these new followers are:

  • Zombies
  • Cats
  • Danny Bonaduce
  • Zombie cats
  • spammers selling Viagra
  • spammers selling diet pills
  • Danny Bonaduce selling Viagra or diet pills
  • spammers selling pills that make Danny Bonaduce disappear
  • My mother

And just what do these subscribers do all day with their uncanny talent for mindlessly clicking on blog follow buttons? What is their reward? It’s certainly not for the pure pleasure of reading my posts. I think they get:

  • Free beer
  • minimum wage
  • carpal tunnel syndrome

Again: I want in on that action.

Click that mouse!
Click that mouse!

And so concludes my in-depth blog analysis as to what in the world is going on at WordPress.

You’re not welcome. Because you didn’t say thank you. I don’t blame you.

P.S. Thanks for following my blog! Even if it was by accident! Or for your own devious plans to take over the blogosphere! I love fake validation. Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. Seeing those numbers go up is the highlight of my day. Beats seeing my weight or my age increase.