Humor · sports

Confessions of a Female Football Fanatic

Last Sunday, I broke the sound barrier in my living room.

Have you ever heard a high-pitched screech that was so annoying and loud you wanted to scrape your own ears out with a fork?

That was me during the commercials.

I hate Taco Bell.

Okay, so I guess I get a little excited watching the game. I suppose I was a wee bit too intense. And sure, at one point during the fourth quarter, my head spun around and flames shot out my ass. But it’s football, baby!

I have been a ginormous football fan since Doug Flutie snarfed down cornflakes. And before you all turn on me and start whining “But the Patriots are cheaters! They deflated balls! I think,,,! …maybe…?! Well if they didn’t deflate balls they did SOMETHING BAD because NO TEAM CAN BE THAT GOOD!”

Image result for kid project brady is cheater
Science project sponsored by the Indianapolis Colts. 

Firstly: I have to love the New England Patriots. It’s a rule here. If I don’t, Marky Marktastic Mark Wahlberg gets all up in my grill.

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I swear to God I will punch you in the throat.

Secondly, na-na-na-na, neer-neer!

I get it — you are all sick to death of the Pats winning and being all amazing and stuff. I used to feel the same about the Cowboys. But do you all realize how long I’ve suffered? I lived through Tony Eason! And Drew Bledsoe! And the Refrigerator Perry! Don’t you think all this winning is deserved? And don’t you agree that I had something to do with it?

They only win when I drink gin from this mug.

It’s a hard lonely life loving Tom Brady. Giselle, you know what I’m talking about. I won’t even go into how much my own husband loathes Brady. He’s got oodles of money. Buttloads of talent. Dimples. (Probably on his butt too, but hey, I don’t give a shit.)

So this Super Bowl Sunday, think of me screaming into an empty living room, while my man Brady slides that sixth ring onto his finger.  Or screaming because they lost and Brady is in a fetal position on the 20 yard line. You’d all love that, wouldn’t you?

Whatever happens, please dear god, no more puppy-monkey-baby commercials.


Take two pills and call me never.

Are you or someone you know suffering from pharmaceuticalitis?

Do you sit down to watch television only to be constantly interrupted by a steady barrage of commercials featuring a moderately-attractive silver-haired woman holding a red balloon while riding a bicycle through a field of lavender?

Do you wonder if you also have toenail fungus? Receding eyebrows? Wonky knees? Uneven boobs? Much-too-large areolas? Weird toes? In-law Aversion? Sudden Urge to Be Snarky Disease? Accidental Profanity Syndrome? Perpetual Disgust For Silver-Haired Women Who Ride Bicycles?

Thanks to a recent medical breakthrough, your days of pharmaceuticalitis are over! Time to put an end to your suffering while watching ads about suffering!

Introducing the FDA-not-approved Rxlia.


Rxlia is designed with you in mind. Just one pill every three minutes every hour of the day and those pesky ads will disappear or at the very least seem only mildly annoying.

Woman holds up bottle, 1920-60.
Get out! Really? But how?
Each time-released pill gently floods your body with a clinically-not-approved mixture of feel-good hormones and mild sedatives with a hint of cinnamon and ganja. Soon all those intrusive thoughts about possible swelling of your lips, tongue or throat will disappear, allowing you to once again fully enjoy yet another bad episode of King of Queens.

Rxlia is not for everyone. Serious or deadly side effects may occur if you do not use as directed. Some of these may or may not, but most likely will because who are we kidding include:


Don’t wait! Talk to your doctor about Rxlia because those yacht payments won’t make themselves. Take control of your life by erasing these commercials (and most long and short term memory) from your mind today!


*Side effects have been known to increase markedly with each dose and may include eye-twitch, excessive drooling, extreme KFC consumption and vivid hallucination of tiny silver-haired women riding bicycles through fields of lavender. Taking Rxlia does not improve odds of finding Kevin James funny.