Mom for President 2020

    My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she'd kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, "I might die in my sleep tonight." Also, The View is on at 2 pm. I think she'll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan: Nagging …

Continue reading Mom for President 2020

What I didn’t do on my summer vacation

I spent most of the summer reading. Author/spiritual guru/King of Chilltown, Eckhart Tolle, has a simple message: Life is all about balance; there's an intrinsic ebb and flow. You win some, you lose some. Things come and go. You try to do the tree pose to impress your kids, you fall onto the yoga mat …

Continue reading What I didn’t do on my summer vacation

Mishmash Monday

Hello there! How the hell are you? Just a friendly message letting you all know I can't write anymore. No, wait! Don't leave me! Come back! This is serious! I got nuthin'! My bloggy well ran dry. My bloggy liquor cabinet has been emptied. My bloggy fridge has nothing but a half-drunk bottle of PBR and my bloggy pantry is …

Continue reading Mishmash Monday

The Rotten Avocado–January 2015

Welcome to another edition of The Rotten Avocado! Bringing you fake news that’s never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime.... Proud dad Ashton Kutcher recently gushed about his new baby with partner Mila Kunis, remarking they want to be hands-on parents and therefore do not employ a nanny. "We want to …

Continue reading The Rotten Avocado–January 2015

The Rotten Avocado

Bringing you news that's never perfectly ripe, hard to crack open, and filled with green slime. Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence reportedly broke up, calling off their relationship after four months. Jennifer revealed she's looking for a man who can be himself, someone who "isn't afraid to fart in front of me." Coincidentally, the dating website eHarmony …

Continue reading The Rotten Avocado

My Secret TV Star Life

You may remember the post My Secret Movie Star Life when I revealed I used to be almost famous as a stand-in for bratty actors on bathroom breaks*. But like most real movie stars, my high-flying prolific career started to fizzle and plummet faster than Jenny McCarthy's breasts in 30 years. Hey, this gorgeous frying pan I have …

Continue reading My Secret TV Star Life

When God’s Your Facebook Friend

[It's early morning. I'm folding a mountain of laundry. A bolt of lightning cracks overhead and a blinding light fills the room. I drop my husband's underwear to the floor, shield my eyes and squint at the ceiling.] Me: What the...? God: [voice booms] IT IS I! Me: God? Is that You? God: [yells] YES! OF COURSE IT'S ME! [mutters] Didn't I …

Continue reading When God’s Your Facebook Friend

Why I Almost Hated Friends

Friends was one of my all-time favorite shows. I loved it so much, it's now my main go-to show I'll watch in reruns-- I've seen every episode countless times. But there was a time I hated it. Yep, I was one of the few people who just didn't see the glittering gem hiding in the …

Continue reading Why I Almost Hated Friends

I Need to Have a Word With You, Friend

At first, I usually try to avoid most things popular in this digital social media technological-informational-crappola-highway-to-hell that is Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Mainly so I can smirk when people ask me why I'm not obsessed with the latest app or fad like the rest of them. Then I normally cave and get sucked into it like all …

Continue reading I Need to Have a Word With You, Friend