This is (Almost) 50

I bought a high-powered magnifying mirror the other day. Just what I need, all the horrifying details of my face magnified 10,000 times. I peered into the mirror to begin ripping out my eyebrows when, WHOA! HOLY HELL! MY FACE IS OLD! AND UGLY! AND COVERED IN HAIR! I LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A …

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Hey, Google Home? Eff off.

This Christmas, Santa brought my husband a nifty little invention: Google Home. This handy-dandy gadget sent straight outta George Orwell's nightmare sits on our bureau, mere feet away from our sleeping heads. When you talk to her, a pleasant soft glow radiates from the top of her display in response, distracting you from the fact …

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All Blogs Must Pass

The standard life and death and rebirth of a typical blog.

White House in Crisis: Fresh Outta Crises

Last week, on a steamy morning deep in the bowels of our nation's capital, CNN reporters gathered in the press room prepared to hear the latest news from the White House. After patiently waiting for several hours, the reporters grew concerned. Not because they noticed anything amiss -- I mean, let's get real, these guys …

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Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled "Kim Kardashian Boobs"! Not only do I blog here at She's a Maineiac, I'm also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives. You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses …

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Just Another Maineiac Monday

Lately, I've had zero time to blog. So I thought I'd quickly throw up a mishmash of the super important stuff that's currently taking up all of my precious time. Let's start with Gordon Ramsay. My 10-year-old daughter is obsessed with him. She watches all 179 of his current TV shows. Here's just a sampling: …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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Oh, What a Year!

Well, ho ho ho and shut the front door! It's that time once again to look at my Saved By The Bell: "Slater Wears Tiny Tank Tops" desk calendar and say to my cat, "Hold up -- another year's gone in the blink of Screech's lazy eye? What the hell? Is this how time works? Yeah, …

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Conversations with Coat Racks

Do you often find yourself struggling to read a magazine only to curse the length of your arm? Do you own five pairs of really useless reading glasses? Do you find Jeb Bush incredibly sexy? Time to face facts-- you are probably suffering from RDV, or rapidly declining vision. Don't worry, this tends to happen …

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Lost Seinfeld Episode: The Soap Suc (Part 1)

Jerry's alone in his apartment. He's watching television and eating cereal. JERRY (giggling): Man, I love The Three Stooges. The door buzzer sounds. Jerry walks over and presses the intercom button. JERRY: Yeah? ELAINE (breathing heavily): Jerry! Jerry! It's an emergency! Let me in quick! I need help! JERRY: Who is this? ELAINE: Jerry! JERRY: …

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