Diagnosis: Not Young

"According to your MRI results here, you have an incurable condition known as Advanced Haggy-Saggy Bags." I'm turning (ahem, cough, sputter, gasp, defibrillator) 49 years old in September. Do you think you're also getting older? (I hear it's a thing.) Here's a few warning signs: Bread is too spicy.You think Abe Vigoda is sexy. Then …

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Meditation for Dumbasses

We've all heard the mantras: Live in the present. Let things go. Stop inhaling those damned Doritos. But how, when we've got so much to worry about? So much to get caught up in! Bills to pay and jobs to dread and social media to hate! We can't even turn our minds off long enough …

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Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled "Kim Kardashian Boobs"! Not only do I blog here at She's a Maineiac, I'm also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives. You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses …

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The Cat Who Thinks She’s a Dog

...A Cautionary Tail... I love cats. Always have, always will. Why? They don't talk. They don't have political views. They don't talk about politics. They don't talk. I consider their personalities sort of like mine: introverted, opinionated, always critical of others -- but in that endearing, almost imperceptibly smug way. I also equally adore dogs, …

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14 Menopause Tips That Might Just Save A Life

  Never say to the woman, "This must be the menopause talking, right?" For hot flashes, freeze a washcloth, then slap your husband upside the head with it. Still feeling blazing hot? Carry a good portable fan. Make mood swings fun. Get out a timer and count how many intense emotions you feel in three …

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On Pins and Needles

One morning I was half asleep and slurping coffee when I thought, Hey! You know what would be good right now? Needles! Lots of tiny needles shoved into various body parts!  I've suffered from chronic low back pain ever since 1997 when I hit a moose going 55 mph. The car, not the moose. Actually, …

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Adventures in Anesthesia: The Urination Proclamation

A few weeks ago I underwent abdominal surgery. If you've ever had surgery, the first thing you notice is how many times the nurses and doctors ask you what you're getting done.  Apparently, this is their safeguard protocol in case you're there to have a tonsillectomy and instead end up with one less testicle. I'm …

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The Inside Story

Warning: This isn't my typical lame humor post. In this one things get real. And graphic. I'm talking about (gasp) female reproductive health issues! Feel free to close your eyes and run away screaming. I won't take it personally.   Okay...are they gone? What? You guys are still here? Look, I'm not kidding. This isn't …

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Conversations with Coat Racks

Do you often find yourself struggling to read a magazine only to curse the length of your arm? Do you own five pairs of really useless reading glasses? Do you find Jeb Bush incredibly sexy? Time to face facts-- you are probably suffering from RDV, or rapidly declining vision. Don't worry, this tends to happen …

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Take two pills and call me never.

Are you or someone you know suffering from pharmaceuticalitis? Do you sit down to watch television only to be constantly interrupted by a steady barrage of commercials featuring a moderately-attractive silver-haired woman holding a red balloon while riding a bicycle through a field of lavender? Do you wonder if you also have toenail fungus? Receding …

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