Diagnosis: Not Young

"According to your MRI results here, you have an incurable condition known as Advanced Haggy-Saggy Bags." I'm turning (ahem, cough, sputter, gasp, defibrillator) 49 years old in September. Do you think you're also getting older? (I hear it's a thing.) Here's a few warning signs: Bread is too spicy.You think Abe Vigoda is sexy. Then …

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This is (Almost) 50

I bought a high-powered magnifying mirror the other day. Just what I need, all the horrifying details of my face magnified 10,000 times. I peered into the mirror to begin ripping out my eyebrows when, WHOA! HOLY HELL! MY FACE IS OLD! AND UGLY! AND COVERED IN HAIR! I LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A …

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Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled "Kim Kardashian Boobs"! Not only do I blog here at She's a Maineiac, I'm also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives. You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses …

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Conversations with Coat Racks

Do you often find yourself struggling to read a magazine only to curse the length of your arm? Do you own five pairs of really useless reading glasses? Do you find Jeb Bush incredibly sexy? Time to face facts-- you are probably suffering from RDV, or rapidly declining vision. Don't worry, this tends to happen …

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Time Marches On…and All Over My Face

It's a scientific fact that once you hit your 40s, time speeds up. Days go by in seconds, years are like minutes. Unless you start paying attention to the presidential race. Not only does your concept of time change, but the signs of aging increase exponentially. Where once before, it might take a decade for a …

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