The Final Curtain

  This is a true story that happened over 13 years ago.   "Say your goodbye," the emergency room doctor suggested, his eyes brimming with compassion. But the deep wrinkles etched across his brow revealed the weariness of all the pain and death they had witnessed behind the hastily drawn curtain. Say your goodbye. The …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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Mom for President 2020

    My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she'd kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, "I might die in my sleep tonight." Also, The View is on at 2 pm. I think she'll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan: Nagging …

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Happy Impending Death Day!

Our culture doesn't do so well with death. We don't like to talk about it or even think about it. Except for people who were born and raised in Maine. We're more down-to-earth types who treat death like it's a bad dentist appointment. Yeah it's gonna happen to you one day so you might as well suck it up, deal …

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Jeezum Crow! It’s Christmas Again?

As some of you loyal readers know, my mother is quite the expert when it comes to sparkling conversation. She turns 80 years old this January and let me tell you, she's more than earned her right to speak bluntly about every topic under the sun.  Hell, if I were her age, you'd better believe I wouldn't give a rat's …

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I’m So Glad You Read That Book, Mom

It's the weekend and I'm driving my  79-year-old mom around town on some errands. Me: Ooh!  Gas prices seem to be going down! Mom: Heh? Gas surprise and you wanna roll the window down? Well, be my guest. Me: No, the gas PRICES are going DOWN. Mom: Oh, don't even get excited. In about 50 years, …

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Losing Pieces of You

My five year old daughter's first loose tooth had been hanging by a thread for about a week. She was very nervous about it coming out. "Is there gonna be blood? What if it comes out while I'm eating my goldfish crackers? Am I gonna eat it by accident? What if I swallow it? I don't …

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Mom for Hire

OBJECTIVE            To prove that when you notice the huge 10 year gap on my résumé, snicker and ask, "What were you doing all that time?!" I wasn't merely sitting around twiddling my thumbs and eating bon bons.  (Although some days I did take a few breaks and did just that.) WORK EXPERIENCE           2000-2002              Fertility Specialist Managed  and …

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