The Final Curtain

  This is a true story that happened over 13 years ago.   "Say your goodbye," the emergency room doctor suggested, his eyes brimming with compassion. But the deep wrinkles etched across his brow revealed the weariness of all the pain and death they had witnessed behind the hastily drawn curtain. Say your goodbye. The …

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It’s the End of the World as I Know It (And I Feel Slightly Uneasy)

As some of you are well aware, there are certain undeniable signs the End Times are near: Oceans turn blood red. Locusts! It's raining locusts! Leggings are a thing now. Leggings! It's raining leggings! But recently I've witnessed another sign that it's time to make peace with my maker. My mom is on Facebook. Just …

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Mom for President 2020

    My 82-year-old mother is running for POTUS. She figured she'd kick off her campaign immediately because, as she put it, "I might die in my sleep tonight." Also, The View is on at 2 pm. I think she'll win in a landslide. After all, she came up with a pretty sweet slogan: Nagging …

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Keeping Up With My Mom

I live next door to my 82-year-old mother. She has never driven a car, loves to read New Age books, and lives for the moment her mail is delivered. Five other notable things about her: She eats her hamburger in between two toasted (burnt to a crisp) rice cakes because she's "probably allergic to gluten". …

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Complications of the Flu May Include Extreme Deflation

I've been sick as a dog this past week. First my son was socked with a "flu-like virus" (which is apparently our pediatrician's polite way of saying "you've got the flu") Then he kindly passed it onto his little sister and she promptly responded by coughing directly into my mouth 150 times so I wouldn't miss out.  Near the end of my …

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Jeezum Crow! I’ve been Freshly Pressed!

Or as my mom would say: "You've been what now? Is this that evil computer thingamabob? You really should pick up a phone more and call me. I could be lying here dead in my rocking chair after having a heart attack while knitting your afghan. You know the one I've been working on for months in …

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Why Tony Bennett Never Calls My Mom

My 80-year-old mother has a very full, active life. She knits. She reads. She waits for the mail. Oh -- and she constantly complains to me about receiving prerecorded scam phone calls. "He called me again the other day!" she scowls at me over her coffee mug. "Who? Your boyfriend Tony Bennett?" We both laugh. This joke never …

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I’m So Glad You Read That Book, Mom

It's the weekend and I'm driving my  79-year-old mom around town on some errands. Me: Ooh!  Gas prices seem to be going down! Mom: Heh? Gas surprise and you wanna roll the window down? Well, be my guest. Me: No, the gas PRICES are going DOWN. Mom: Oh, don't even get excited. In about 50 years, …

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This Mom’s Wish

Dear Kids, This is all I want for Mother's Day (and beyond): That you realize half-eaten tuna sandwiches don't belong in the far corner of your closet buried under three tons of toys. You learn to fight less and love more. Hands are not for hurting but for helping -- also for helping Mom by picking up all …

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I’m So Glad We Went Out to Eat, Mom

"Hey, Ma? Wanna go out to eat tonight?" I ask my 79 year old mother. "What?" "Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" "What??" "Do YOU..." I yell, pausing as my mom leans in closer. "WANT TO..." She begins to nod her head slowly with each word I say. "GO OUT..." I gesture to the door. She raises one …

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