Woman Gets Shred of Sanity Back During Commute

Greetings fellow bloggers, bored cats, and heavily tattooed men in orange jumpsuits wasting their 10 minutes of Internet time because they googled “Kim Kardashian Boobs”!

Not only do I blog here at She’s a Maineiac, I’m also a seasoned reporter, interviewing poor slobs about their redonkulous lives.

You might remember my last report, Woman Refuses to Live in the Moment, in which gluten-freak Oprah dished out unsolicited advice to a broke woman and her farting asthmatic cat, Mr. Wankers.

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No? Well, shut up and eat a bagel.

Now time for today’s report!

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Sometimes the daily grind of life is all too much for one 47-year-old woman from the quaint coastal village of East Scrotum, Maine (not to be confused with Scrotum’s Point, a sad little town north of South Bunghole).

Ah yes, Maine — The Way Life Should Be.™

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Unless your life should be that you’re perpetually broke, your feet ache, your boobs sag, and your shit stinks.*

I met up with Starla Turdbucketsen early one morning to see how she does it. How does she survive in today’s crazy-ass world? How in god’s name does she wake up every effing day — remember who she is — yet continue to get up anyway?

“It ain’t easy,” Starla sighed, blowing a steady stream of smoke into my face.

“So, you smoke cigarettes now?”

“No.”

“Let’s talk about your life. Who is Starla Turdbucketsen? You’re a daughter of an elderly parent who thinks Elvis reincarnated as a 13-year-old gospel singer from Sweden. You’re a mom of a teen who thinks he’s going to college to triple major in YouTube Celebrity/Video Gamer/Culinary Farts. You’re a mom to a tween daughter. You’re a wife to a man who incessantly watches MASH reruns in his underwear.”

“Correct.”

“Starla, in the past year, you’ve gone through menopause, major surgery, and the legal separation of Chris Pratt and Anna Faris. You work two jobs, yet you’re wearing a bra you bought circa 1989. Any thoughts, insights or revelations you’d care to share with us about being a modern woman in today’s society?”

“Well, if I have to pluck one more freaking gray hair out of my chin, I swear I’m gonna lose my shit. So there’s that. ”

“So, why do it? What gets you going day after day? Why not just drive your Toyota Corolla into the nearest brick wall?”

“The commute.”

“The what?”

“Are you deaf, you unbelievable nimrod? The commute!”

Oh yeah, the work commute!

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(And yes, my doctor says I’m currently suffering from progressive hearing loss, but let’s get back to Starla and her desperate attempt to cling to those last few scraps of sanity.)

Let’s face it — most of our lives would be a never-ending shit parade if not for those blissful 28 minutes of the morning when you are alone in your car, driving to your soul-sucking job.

I think most harried Americans would agree, the commute is that rare time when you are free to let it all go. That’s right…just take a deep breath…roll down the windows to air out the stench of “medicinal” marijuana…crank some hip-hop…and forget our president is a cross between Forrest Gump and Gary Busey.

Slide1“What is it about the commute that appeals to you, Starla?”

“Two words: No. News.”

“Two more words: ‘Nuff said.”

And so concludes another in-depth interview! Stay tuned next week when I ask Starla her take on the current nuclear crisis with North Korea! (Preview: She thinks it’s the classic “my missile/ego/therapy bill is bigger than yours” dust-up)

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*In 2007, the Maine State Tourism Board fired the marketing director after he presented the slogan: Maine: The Way Life Should Be (Except For Those Who Are Perpetually Broke & Their Feet Ache & Their Boobs Sag & Their Shit Stinks. If That’s You–Move To New Hampshire.)

 

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Woman Refuses to Live in the Moment

Live in the moment!

Be your best self!

Embrace bread!

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It’s been several years since Oprah retired from her “Be the Best You, You Can Be –Because I Sure As Hell Wouldn’t Wanna Be You” talk show. Among some of her more earth-shattering insights about life:

We need to live in the moment.

Not around or through the moment. Or even under-the-covers-nursing-a-glass-of-wine. But IN.

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“Are you living in the moment? How about now? No? Well, how about now? Are you? Are you really living in the moment? I don’t think you are, fool! You disgust me!”

It should be noted that immediately after she made these comments, she gazed dramatically off the deck of her 50-foot yacht, The Big O, that was floating in the Mediterranean next to As You Wish, a 10-foot dinghy filled with butlers, which was surrounded by a flock of housekeepers and hairdressers on jet skies. And a forlorn Stedman treading water and wearing pink arm floaties.

Yet there is no doubt that over the years her “live in the moment” mantra has managed to transform millions of ordinary people’s lives.

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“Before Oprah, I never lived in the moment. But now? Goddammit, I’ll live the shit out of this moment if it kills me! …Please kill me.”

Yes, it’s true! All of us — even butlers-in-dinghy-less and probes-in-butthole losers like you and me — can embrace every single bright and shiny effing moment of life because Oprah said we should.

All of us except for one 55-year-old woman named Marge from East Dingleberry, Maine. Baffling some of the world’s top Oprah experts, she has managed to live her entire life not in the moment at all. Not even once.

I sat down with Marge last week to get to the bottom of this mystery. And to ask her about her hometown’s name because, I mean, come on! That’s just ridic.

Me: Marge, I’ve been informed that you refuse to live in the moment. Why? Don’t you like Oprah? Is your yacht too small?

Marge: Look — I’ve tried okay! I just can’t do it! Last night, I wanted to live like Oprah, but I panicked from all the stress of my craptastic life. Then I frantically reached under my chair for a free gift, only there was nothing there! Just a huge goopy hairball my cat, Mr. Wankers, yorked up from the day before!

Me: Maybe this will help. Here’s a direct quote from Oprah: Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

Marge: …So I grabbed something to help clean up the mess and noticed it was the overdue electric bill.

Me: Here’s another Oprahism: The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail.

Marge [petting cat on her lap]: Then I started to cry, only I can’t produce any tears because I was diagnosed with chronically dry eye sockets. Why, just last week Mr. Wankers was diagnosed with excessive hairballs, sleep apnea and explosive flatulence. I wanted to weep when I saw the vet bill, but again, no tears!  Do you know how painful it is to cry dust? Or what it’s like to be trapped in an apartment with a cat that’s farting swamp gas nonstop? Well, do you?

Mr. Wankers [breathing heavily]:  Meow.

Me: Oprah says, The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.

Marge: In blind agony from my tearless crying, I grabbed the eye drops prescription I had to sell my left kidney to afford. But a couple of squirts in, I realized it was the sample size ghost pepper hot sauce my husband left on the kitchen counter next to all the other overdue bills.

Me: Turn your wounds into wisdom.

Marge: The hot sauce was all we had left to eat.

Me: You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.

Marge: Holy balls! I think those bastards just shut off my electricity! How will Mr. Wankers use his CPAP machine now? [tearless sobbing, wiping eyes] OH, IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

Mr. Wankers [farting nervously]: Meow.

Me: Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.

Marge: Get out.

Me: What? But you’re not in the moment yet!

Marge: GET OUT!

Me: Hold on! I’m sensing you are almost in the actual moment now! This is a huge breakthrough! How do you feel? Are you angry? Do you feel rage? Feel it, don’t deny it! Live in the moment!

That’s when the interview abruptly ended. Oprah, you’ve done it again — Marge has learned to live in the moment! I’ll be sending your lawyers my hospital bill.

I’m So Glad You Read That Book, Mom

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It’s the weekend and I’m driving my  79-year-old mom around town on some errands.

Me: Ooh!  Gas prices seem to be going down!

Mom: Heh? Gas surprise and you wanna roll the window down? Well, be my guest.

Me: No, the gas PRICES are going DOWN.

Mom: Oh, don’t even get excited. In about 50 years, the world will end and let me tell you, the last thing you’ll be worried about are gas prices. First the earth will heat up so much, we’ll all have to live under domes. Trust me, you don’t want to be on the outside of the domes when that happens. Jeezum crow! You’d be toast!

Me: Domes?

Mom: Oh, yeah! But domes wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe they could keep a few people on the outside…y’know [makes quotation marks in the air with her fingers] accidentally… like criminals…[scowls] or Randy Travis and that god-awful, just terrible, awful woman, Rachel Ray.

Me: Rachel Ray? What in the hell has she done?

Mom: Oh, you don’t want me to go there.

Me: Oh, okay, I wo–

Mom: God, her voice!  It’s so deep! Like a man that smokes! And she’s always flapping her lips and running back and forth to the fridge. She thinks she knows everything about cooking. Well, here’s a tip, missy–put all the food you need on the damn frickin counter before you start babbling like an idiot and running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off. There’s the first rule of cooking, Miss Rachel Ray. [speaks slowly, overemphasizing each word] Take. Out. The. Food.

Me: Okay. So–

Mom: And her chest is too small. [shakes head] Oh, no, no, no. Just too small for those revealing blouses she wears. Trust me, when we’re thinking about food, we certainly don’t need to see that.

Me: So what’s this dome book you’re reading called? [My mom always has a stack of New Age/Inspirational/Biblical books on her night stand] Is it The Apocalypse and You: A Practical Guide to the End Times?

Mom: It’s true, it’s gonna happen. Pollution will be so bad, we’ll have to live under domes just to breathe. But I’ll be long dead! [cackles smugly] But you, oh you’ll be dealing with it. And I say, good luck!

Me: Mom! That’s not very nice!

Mom: The Earth is going to end and we’ll have to go to other planets eventually. Uh-huh. But it won’t be all bad. We’ll have a new world filled with peace and love because we’ll all be on a new spiritual path. This is how it will be.

Me: Was this book written by Oprah?

Mom: Yep, this world is pumpin’ a handcart straight to hell. It’s too late to save it. Maybe if people would love and take care of one another more, we could survive as a human race. Ha! I ain’t bettin’ on it.

Me: Gayle! Oprah’s best friend! This book was written by her, wasn’t it?

Mom: We might be able to live on as a human race if we move to other planets. Sylvia Browne says there are already aliens living among us now. Maybe they can help us. Y’know… [leans in and raises her eyebrows] even someone like Oprah could be an alien!

Me: I could see that.

Mom: But anyway, I’ll be on the Other Side when it’s all over, living in my mansion up in the clouds, eating all the ice cream I want. But don’t worry, I’ll haunt you and try and help.

Me: That’s very reassuring, Mom. Thanks.

Mom: You’re welcome! [sighs softly like she’s just discussed the weather] So…what’s for lunch?

I guess I could live with this.
Yeah, I guess I could live with this.

Any other people you think should be “accidentally” left outside the dome? Maybe my mom can have it arranged.

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Happy Mother's Day, Mom
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom

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Like this? Want more?

I’m So Glad We Went Out to Eat, Mom

I’m So Sorry I Missed Your Call, Mom

I’m So Glad We Had This Talk Again, Mom

I’m So Glad We Had This Talk, Mom

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