Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 3)

∗ Why is it that I can go on errands for the entire morning, spending hours out in public, then later that day as I'm going on my walk I suddenly think, Holy shit -- did I remember to put on my pants today? Then I look down to check. So for a split second it's this insane moment of …

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La La La, I Can’t Hear You!

Today at breakfast my 11-year-old son informed me he had good news and bad news. Not only was he finally allowed to bring his recorder home from music class but he was going to take his first puberty class at school. I'm still trying to figure out which was the good news. Later that afternoon after he slid …

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Phone Calls

Talking to a young child on the phone is an exercise in patience. The endless grueling-marathon kind of exercise that gets you nowhere fast and ends with you repeatedly jamming your smart phone into your eye socket. Yesterday I was out on errands and needed to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy for my husband. …

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Becoming Mom

I find it incredible how quickly life can change. One minute you're thinking, "I will never have kids and I will never be a mom!" and the next one you're thinking, "How in the hell do I clean baby poop off the ceiling? And off the drapes, the couch, my shirt and my face?" When …

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Oh, don’t mind me — I’ll be livin’ in a box down by the river.

Our mid-winter school vacation has ended. I spent 11 days trapped inside a small apartment with my kids. We had four snowstorms last week alone. Coincidentally, our electronic "human-ignorer" gadgets decided to collectively shit the bed. My laptop froze. The tablet became possessed. Netflix was toast. My toaster still worked. Thank god. So we were forced …

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My Dear, Sweet, Slightly Manipulative Daughter

My daughter is only seven years old, but don't let her age fool you. When Little Miss J wants something, she doesn't simply tell you, that would be too easy. Always a clever girl, she makes little homemade cards to communicate. By adding sweetly scrawled drawings, she lures the reader in so she can really go for the kill. Over the …

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Stand Up Saturday: Parenting

Welcome to another installment of no holds barred, profanity-laced, semi-comedic rants straight from my rambling mind. Today's Topic: Parenting Being a parent these days is such a drag. You try to stick to rules like no glue-sniffing, no shoving kids off the slide and for god's sake, how many damned boogers have you eaten today? As if this wasn't draining enough, …

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Deep Thoughts by Little Miss J

My daughter is six and a half years old and tends to be a wee bit dramatic at times. She's also much smarter than I'll ever be. The other morning she flew into my bedroom, eyes ablaze, and wailed, "Oh, Mommy! It's just not fair! I mean, seriously! Seriously!" She threw herself onto my bed. "Like, …

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Happy Double 1s, Little Man

This week is my son's birthday. From the very beginning, I knew he was going to be a handful. He refused to vacate his comfy home for his due date, deciding instead to roll around in my belly like the Tasmanian Devil partying in a hot tub. Today, my son is the sweetest, kindest, most adorable-est boy in the universe.  He's …

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Signs Kids and/or Gremlins Live in My House

My daughter, age 6 My Christmas wrapping paper. (I put it next to my Buddha to help calm me down) My favorite lipstick, which has been discontinued(Apparently, the Gremlins were hungry) Creepy mermaids live in my sink now. I can never do dishes again. Should I pray the Little Ponies survive the thaw, or add them to …

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