Humor · Top Lists

13 Ways I Live On the Edge

  • The dentist recommends I floss at least once a day. Some days I don’t floss. And I still have my teeth. Take that, Mr. Know-It-All Dentist.
  • Advil’s recommended dose for 12 years and up is one capsule, then two if needed every four to six hours. Oh yeah? Well, I’m taking two pills. At the same time. Thaaaat’s right.
  • Whenever I’m in the Express Lane at Target, I like to buy a jumbo-sized box of lice treatment and some pink eye medicine. Then have the clerk check the prices over the intercom while I scratch my head and rub my eyes. Then I like to write a check. Then write the wrong amount. Then tear up the check. Then scratch my head some more. Then try a declined credit card.  Then glare at the clerk. Then dig out all the change in my pockets to pay the entire amount in pennies, pausing often to rub my eyes. Then stick my hand out asking the person behind me in line for another penny. Then tell the clerk I change my mind and don’t want to buy anything after all and walk away.
  • Whenever my kids and husband ask me what I’d like to do today, I respond, “Sit.”
  • One time I almost ate a burger that was cooked medium-well.
  • I set up my Christmas tree before Thanksgiving.
Image result for chevy chase christmas tree
You think it’s too early? Well, I don’t give a Fa-la-la-la-la.
  • For Christmas this year my sixteen-year-old son asked for “cold hard cash”. So I wrapped up a box within a box within a box within a box. Inside the tiniest box? A quarter taped to a slip of paper that reads: I love you!!! (true story)
  • Instead of slathering on sunscreen with SPF 100, one day back in 2007 I had to make do with two layers of SPF 50.
  • When my kids get into a squabble, I don’t do anything. I just sit there and ignore them until they resolve it themselves.
  • I once watched a video of someone skydiving. I shut it off before he landed because I just didn’t want to know the outcome.
  • In my work emails, I use exclamation points at the end of every sentence. And it’s not because I’m excited. It’s because I’m pissed off and my only defense is sarcasm. 
  • When I’m served a bad meal at a restaurant, instead of sending it back to the kitchen, I complain to my husband the entire meal yet eat it anyway. Then I leave a 15% tip instead of 20%.
  • When a clerk tells me to have a nice day, I reply, “Make me.”
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Humor

Don’t be a Grinch this Thanksgiving!

Recently, employees of Walmart, Sears and Target were outraged when their companies decided to open stores to the public as early as 8 pm on Thanksgiving Day. Apparently, being with family and friends for some quality time and gravy-soaked turkey is now trumped by a shopper’s right to buy the  blue light special of a camouflage Forever Lazy at a steep discount.

I think this is a good thing. Why make people wait until midnight to shop for gifts they can’t afford for people that won’t appreciate them? Why not move everything ahead a day? Why bother celebrating Thanksgiving at all?

I think rushing things is the way to go. Any fool knows life is only about quantity not quality. We need these few extra hours on Black Thursday/Friday so we can finally attempt to fully stuff the bottomless pits of our psyches with endless amounts of iPad minis and Applebee’s gift cards.

Besides, how else am I supposed to top my credit card debt from last year?

Why waste out lives on silly things like being with each other, making memories or sharing love and laughter? It’s all about the goods, baby. Bring on the material crap. More! More! More! It’s what makes the world go ’round. (Or what keeps the bigwigs at these monster box store companies filthy rich while their employees get paid minimum wage.)  And it’s never enough, you just gotta keep buying, buying, buying. Why, I’ve already bought my gifts for the next ten Christmases!

So what the hell, let’s just cut to the chase and shift everything ahead. To what really matters most. Money and things.

This could work in so many other areas in life.

WEDDINGS

“I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the br—”

“Wait! Hold up. I want divorce. Also the house and the car. You get to keep your stupid golf clubs.”

“Hmm…. Fair deal. Done.”

****

BABIES

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, you have a beautiful baby boy!”

“Oh, he’s amazing! And sweetie? Did you remember to put him on the waiting list for Harvard? He’s going to be the most incredible cardiac surgeon and help us sail into early retirement!
Ka-ching! Now, why are you just standing there? Go sign him up for cello and Chinese lessons so he’ll have an edge with admissions!”

****

DATING

“Well, hello there…. I’ve heard so many nice things about you. So tell me, what’s your favorite music?”

“Look. Let’s cut the crap. In about three years, you’ll cheat on me and I’ll kick you out of our apartment, right after throwing your iPod out the window. So here, just take this 100 bucks now,  so we can call it even and end this. Right after I finish eating my chicken parm. Deal?”

****

DEATH

“Mrs. Smith, I am terribly sorry to inform you, but you only have six to twelve  months to live.”

“Good.”

“I’m sorry? Good?”

“Oh yeah! That’s plenty of time for me to convince the funeral home to give me a cemetery plot discount at 25%. Maybe they’ll double my savings if I get one for my husband, too!  By the way….does he happen to have any terminal illnesses?”

“Uh…no….”

“Damn. We could have saved so much money.”