Uncategorized · Video Blog

Quick, what rhymes with Franco?

The following vlog was inspired by James Franco’s poetry reading he recently did for Obama’s inauguration. (Franco was very good in Freaks and Geeks, love him.)

It’s a poem about being a mom.

A mom desperate to get through yet another hectic morning without having a nervous breakdown.

Watch my video to see if I can make it through another day.

Mourning My Morning

In the earliest unborn hours of the morning, my heart beats, frantic with a
rushing of blood, pounding incessantly…

Rush…rush….rush…

Overshadowed only by the digusting guttural groans emanating
from my husband’s gaping maw
as he snores and slumbers beside me…

I want to reach out, slam his windpipe with my pillow–
–but I resist–
always resisting….

resist

Morning breaks, my mind cracks like an egg
dripping over the edge of a moldy crust,
undercooked and runny

Needs more salt.

But sandwiches are to be peanut buttered!
juice boxes to be tossed around!
hair  to be untangled!

Untangle the mess….

a frantic dance of

rush…rush…rush….

Have you seen my socks?

Where are the keys?

Will you help me construct a diorama of a rainforest using only toothpicks and glitter?
….Mrs. Hardison says it’s due today

Rush…rush…rush…..

Disaster strikes.

“Someone spilled my Cheerios!” I cry.
“Look! All over the floor!”

“Did you spill them?” I ask my son.

His attention elsewhere…always elsewhere….

“Someone spilled my CHEERIOS!”
I wail, my plantive cry falling on deaf tween ears, ears that only respond to digital beeps.

My son–hazel eyes forever glued to the tiny magic box, glowing ghastly white.

“Someone spilled my cheerios….”…I sputter to no one, hopeless,
the taste of sweet oats and honey forever lost to my lips.

He finally turns his head, raises his brow,

and the insidious words roll off his tongue
like water off a paritally submerged iPhone in a dirty toilet:

“Whatevs, Mom” he says.

“Whatevs.”

Whatevs.

Indeed.

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Uncategorized · Video Blog

Happy Holidaze, Maineiac Style!

Many cold winter nights, I toss and turn, sleep as elusive as my dreams of ever having a family Christmas party where no one gets drunk, then fights over the Mayan calendar or who gets to take home Aunt Edna’s hard-as-a-hockey-puck fruitcake. (Something tells me the end of the world and digesting Aunt Edna’s fruitcake are closely linked.)

Still, as bleak as the holidays get, my heart is full of hope.  Hope that one day my block-of-ice feet might be warmed by the coolest thing ever created by sheer ingenuity and a steam iron:

The Go Jules Go and The Byronic Man custom-made queen-sized sheet sets!

That’s right. Two of our favorite bloggers are currently running the Holy Sheet Giveaway, where you can win the chance to drool all over their face/chipmunk’s face/pillowcase every night.

Check out their spectacular videos here and here. Really, go watch them, they make my vlogs look, well…stupid. (Don’t tell me that’s not that hard to do, I know that.)

After that, all you have to do is enter your version of a ‘real’ holiday card. Because nothing says peace on earth more than blatant bitterness.

C’mon, do it! It’s easy!

Even I did it! I crafted my own version of Christmas below. And I am far from tech-savvy. Once I thought I was surfin’ the net on my smart phone and it took a full five minutes before I realized I was holding our garage door opener.

maineiacstyle3

In other news, I’d like to leave you with a little more holiday cheer in the form of yet another vlog.

In vlogs past,  I’ve twirled a baton for you.

I’ve sipped coffee you.

And this time, I sing for you.

That’s right.

I know I’m no Mariah Carey. Or even  Jimmy Fallon. But just humor me, OK?

WARNING: mild profanity is sprinkled throughout (I get a wee bit bitchy this time of year, don’t know why)

Enjoy and catch ya later next year…..

…..if the Mayans are wrong! Haha! Oh, I kill me! It’s funny because it’s not gonna happen! So we can poke fun! Right? Right?! (fingers crossed!)

Video Blog

Maineiac Answers Your Questions

I am sorry.

So very sorry.

I answered your questions as fast I could, but still the video is very long.

I swear I will never, ever do this again. Ever. Again.

I’ve been known to ramble. I’ve been known to not know when to shut up. You can feel bad for my husband, it’s OK, I certainly do.  If you fall asleep halfway through while watching this video, well, look at it this way, you got a nice nap out of it.

Video Blog

Ask Me (Almost) Anything

It’s that time again, kidz!  

I’m droppin’ another vlog down in the hizzle, yo!
(I have no idea what the above means…I’m hoping someone can fill me in…?)

So…what do you want to know? Nothing? Good.

Everything? Uh oh.

Now would probably be a good time to tell you: I reserve the right to delete any and all questions. Or refuse to answer them.

Here are a few examples to get you going…

*What’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done? (you might wanna be more specific with this one…)
*How many times did I fail my drivers license test?
*What movie have I seen the most times?
*What do I hate about blogging?
*What scares me the most?
*What celebrity do I hate the most?
*Why are we here?

See…the possibilities are endless! Ask me!

And for extra fun, if you leave a question, feel free to leave YOUR answer to your question as well in your comment so we can compare answers (and ridicule each other).

Humor · Video Blog

2 Years of Blogging (and they said it wouldn’t last…)

Two years ago today, I started my blog. I had no idea what to write about or why anyone in their right mind would ever want to read it. I guess some things never change. My first post was about widgets and picking a theme. After I published it, I thought, Huh. Well…so now what? I guess that’s it…I’m done with the blogging thing…

I had no idea what blogging meant. I considered it a private diary of sorts that maybe my cousin in Florida would read for her own amusement. I didn’t realize anyone out there could just stumble upon it and read it–that it was public domain. Good thing or I probably would’ve censored myself more.

So I wrote mostly for myself. (And as luck would have it, I was the only one reading it.) I kept plugging away for months with my public diary no one read. If I got a ‘like’, I was ecstatic. One comment and I was over the moon. I honestly still feel that way today.  I never imagined I would take to blogging so quickly or become so addicted.

My very first constant readers and commenters were Lenore of Lenore’s Thoughts Exactly, Charles of Mostly Bright Ideas, Susan of Coming East, and The Simple Life of a Country Man’s Wife.  Many times I was very close to giving up, but these guys would always leave me a kind comment here and there, and I’d be sucked back into the blogging world.

image: quickmeme

I felt like someone was out there listening. And through them I found other bloggers and started following them as well. So I would like to give a shout-out to them–thank you. I honestly wouldn’t still be blogging if it weren’t for you guys. (And now my husband has someone to blame.)

Here are some interesting factoids about my two years here at the place I’ve grown to love, WordPress:

137–total number of posts
8,512–total number of comments
8,000–number of comments where I replied with: “Ha!” “Haha!” or “Hahaha!”
1,333,561–number of spam comments stating:Your interesting article make great points. Very efficiently written. I encourage you to continue making brilliant ideas of this topic for future reference.
1,000–average number of words in my posts
500–average number of words in my posts my readers would prefer
10,000average number of words per day I didn’t utter to my husband because I blogged them instead (he would like to personally thank WordPress for this statistic)
152–number of times I dreamt about blogging and other bloggers–like I wrote an embarrassing post and published it anyway or I was blogging in a public place in my underwear (one of those two things happened)
4–number of times I was Freshly Pressed
0–number of times my husband or anyone in my family gave a rat’s ass that I was Freshly Pressed
millions–number of times I checked my stats
countlessnumber of times I wished I could edit my comment the second I hit the reply button but instead sat there like an idiot, silently screaming NOOOOOOO! at the computer screen.
countless–number of times I’ve been in awe of a fellow blogger’s writing–their unfailing humor, intelligence, heart and soul. Also jealous. Very jealous. But I’ve learned to let it go.

I am grateful to WordPress for giving me the chance to have others read my stuff and, especially, for creating such a great creative space full of talented blogs and people. My life is richer for having ‘met’ you guys here.  I know this all sounds hokey, but it’s true. So there.

Thank you ALL for supporting me these past two years, and always being so positive, hilarious and respectful. I hope one day we can all meet up and have an epic blogger party at the beach. I’ll bring the lobstahs if you bring the bee-yah, deal?

Here’s a little stroll down memory lane of my past 2 years. Caution: you might have to adjust the volume a bit here and there as I switch from music to talking. Enjoy!

**Warning Kids! There is some profanity! Some of it warranted!**

*******Dagnabit! Can’t figure out why this video “is not available in your country.” The video was the best part of this post! I’m working on it….*****

 

If you thought this video was lame, you might also enjoy THIS ONE

******************************************************************************************************

Don’t forget to come back next week for my first contest/giveaway–details in the next post! Which will be as soon as I buy some crap to give away!

Uncategorized · Video Blog

The vlog conclusion…

Before you watch this, I have to say a few things.

First, settle down kids. Okay, so my shoes are still there, and yes, apparently they are gigantic and very distracting. Tape a little piece of paper over it if you must. Also, there will be no baton twirling. Maybe tomorrow.

I apologize in advance if this little video is a huge disappointing let-down. I felt the same way about the last episode of Lost. Deal with it.

Humor · Uncategorized · Video Blog

Yo! Another vlog up in the hizzle!

(Sorry, I know, that is the worst title for a post ever…I’m trying to increase my readership levels for the 18 to 22 year old crowd. I may have managed to alienate a few instead.)

I haven’t done a vlog in eons. Well since here.  Elyse from FiftyFourandAHalf posted a little tagging Q&A thing so I thought I’d do another one because I am much too lazy to type it all out or write it in my little notebook.

The first video is just a little ‘hey, how’s it going?’ blurb. Enjoy.

This next one is a two-parter. A real nail-biter. You might even say a cliffhanger.

Humor

Fluffernutter Friday: So bad for you, it’s good

I have been trying to write all week and nothing is working. Something is telling me the words aren’t jelling, my spelling is… hell-ing. I’m resorting to making up words just so I can rhyme, and my punctuation is, (just); not: “making, sense”. I want to use only smiley faces and explanation points to communicate. Gah! Did I just say, gah? Yikes, I’m getting all curmudgeonly in this post.  Blogging is all too much thinking. I give up. I can’t write. I want to, I need to, but it’s not happening.  I can barely form a complete sentence and

Normally, when I write, I love to visit dictionary.com because it helps to expand my limited…uh…what’s the word I’m thinking of…oh yeah, vocabulary (and it reminds me that my brain is so pliable, it’s practically silly putty). But lately, my mind is so zapped, I found myself staring at a common word and questioning if it was really spelled that way.  The word was awkward. It just didn’t look right to me. Nope, still doesn’t, no matter how much I stare at it. Too many Ws or something. Maybe it’s time to pack it in and give this writing thing a rest.

With my mind being in a semi-permanent (I can only hope) state of “stand by” mode, I’ve decided to give you a filler post. Fluff.  A post about nothing.  I was making my son his lunch this morning when I realized I had about three seconds to slap something together before the bus pulled up. I reached for a jar of strawberry Fluff, added a little PB and voila! a delectable sugar-bomb of a lunch the teacher will be sure to write me an angry note about later.  So what. It’s not like he eats it every single day. What’s the harm? I love fluffy stuff. Comfort food. I’m all for soft and cozy things. Enjoy life a little! Don’t worry! It’s fine. Let it all go. Indulge yourself for once. No thinking or guilt required.  Go ahead and wrap yourself up in a warm quilt, sip some tea and enjoy the guilty pleasure of watching Survivor while munching on a fluffernutter sandwich. C’mon, try it. Feels good, doesn’t it? Ahhh!  I really should write more posts like this one.

Speaking of guilty pleasures. Julie of goguiltypleasures has a little contest going on. And here are my two biggest guilty pleasures:

Also, I have to tell you all about a dream I had early this morning. It was so vivid. I was logging onto WordPress and blinked in surprise to see a post of mine all Freshly Pressed. My mouth dropped open and I frantically clicked on it and a video clip popped up on my screen. To my horror, there I was: hair all matted, a long indentation of my pillow case running down my cheek, more bags under my eyes than at JFK airport, shuffling into my kitchen wearing a baggy Nirvana t-shirt and Homer Simpson slippers yelling, “COFFEE! NOW! OR! I! KILL! YOU!” Then I burped so loud the windows rattled. Below the post the current hits were at 1,000,000 and climbing. My husband appeared and said, “See, I told you blogging is evil.” Then his voice morphed into the devil shouting “Blogging’s evil! EVIL EVIL EVIL!” over and over and I woke up in a panic, drenched in sweat.  I think this is a sign I need to: a) take a blogging break (again) or b) get a life or c) do away with the vlog thing.

Before I sign off, I have a quick new video for you. Don’t worry, I won’t make this a weekly thing.  Y’know that old wives’ tale, if you see cows laying down, rain is on the way?  What is on the way if you see an entire herd of cows running full tilt across a field? Have you ever seen a cow run? Well, you are in luck today. Keep your eyes on the left top of the house.

I apologize for the poor video quality. You might need your glasses or just squint a lot like I do. The window screen was in the way, but trust me, those black dots you saw running are of the bovine persuasion (damn you, dictionary.com!) The pungent aroma of cow that fills my nostrils every morning can attest to that fact.

So this was the scene from my bedroom window off and on for most of the day. They’d run like crazy to one end of the field, then clump together, maybe to discuss politics, until one of the cows said something offensive and they all started angrily chasing each other. Maybe the cows were playing a raucous game of Freeze Tag or incredibly bored. It may also be a warning. We usually can tell what season it is by the location of where the cows have their little pow-wow. When they are grazing at the top of the hill to the left, it’s spring. The middle means it’s summer. When they are clumped over to the right of the pasture, fall is in the air. When they suddenly and inexplicably start galloping across the field? Armageddon. Or maybe just a cold harsh winter.

Humor · Uncategorized · Video Blog

Wickahd Good Stuff, Ayuh!

Whenever you read someone’s blog, do you ever wonder what that person’s voice sounds like or what mannerisms they have? Are they loud? Do they mumble? (my husband thinks I mumble loudly) Do they talk with their hands? Do they talk with their feet? Do they laugh like a hyena on steroids? These are the things you can never get from just reading typed words. I’m still debating whether that’s a good thing or not.
Renée of Lessons from Teachers and Twits recently posted a short video illustrating her northern/southern accents and dialect. This “vlog” (great– another word I have to learn) has apparently been circulating and who am I to deny you, dear readers, my mesmerizing Maine accent? (I don’t really have one, I swear, ayuh)
Plus, I always find it fascinating to hear the differences from one part of the country to another. When I lived near Seattle, I was shocked that people called soda, “pop” and when I visited my brother in North Carolina, I found out a grocery cart is really a “buggy”.  It’s a crazy mixed-up world we live in, my friends.
So I am going to read the words below the video clip and answer some questions. And then you can have your perception of me completely shattered once you realize I have a weird accent worse than a combination of Angela Lansbury in Murder She Wrote and George Clooney in The Perfect Storm.
The Words: Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting Image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught
• • •
The Questions:
  1. What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
  2. What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
  3. What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
  4. What do you call gym shoes?
  5. What do you say to address a group of people?
  6. What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body & extremely long legs?
  7. What do you call your grandparents?
  8. What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
  9. What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
  10. What is the thing you change the TV channel with?