Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 4)

I come from a long line of lazy people. So I’m not big on doing things. And people look down on me for that. Mainly because they’re standing and I’m sitting. Why do people feel the need to run around all the time? They’re too active. It’s all “We gotta do this now!” or  “We gotta go see that!”

Hey, here’s an idea — how about you let me sit here in peace? That’s all I want out of life:  To sit.

Hmmmm……yes…. methinks sitting’s good.

But people don’t like sitters. We’re useless. We do nothing. But I am doing something, I’m thinking.  While you’re all running around like mad, I chill inside my head. I love it in there, all cozy and comfy, everything set up just the way I like it.

Plus thinking is hard. Thinking is exhausting.  And I can’t be expected to think and be active at the same time, it’s not possible. Try it. Sprint across a field as fast as you can — there won’t be a single thought in your head.  Possibly a fleeting feeling your heart might explode, but no real thoughts worth having trust me.

So when you collapse from dehydration and exhaustion at the end of the 10K race,  I’ll make sure to be there waiting at the finish line so I can take a nice long sip from my 150 ounce cherry Slurpee, shake my head and think, Damn. You really should’ve picked sitting.

*************

Isn’t it freaky when you sit down to type something on the computer, but you don’t realize all of your fingers are slightly to the right one letter? So what you type is complete gobbledygook.

You want to type “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” but out comes,  “yjr wiovl ntpem gpc ki,[rf pbrt yjr ;sxu fphz”

There’s this brief moment you think either you’ve invented a new language or you’ve lost your mind. Then you realize “D’oh! My fingers aren’t in the right spot!”

And when you move your fingers over to the correct spot and type real words a feeling of relief washes over you. “Oh thank god! Words I recognize!”

But that unsettling feeling doesn’t go away does it? Basically, we’re all one finger position away from nothing in the world making sense anymore.

*************

Speaking of utter nonsense, ever notice how people who love tofu are always pushing it on the non-tofu eaters? My brother is a tofu fanatic. He insists it tastes good.

I'd much rather eat the two blades of grass garnish.
I’d much rather eat the two blades of grass garnish.

He’s always telling me, “C’mon, ya gotta try it! You mix it with stuff and cook it and it tastes like the stuff you mixed it with! So if you cook it with sesame oil it’ll taste like that! Or if you fry it up with ginger it’ll taste like ginger!”

Hey, here’s a crazy idea that will give me the same result — skipping the part where I put tofu in my dish.

Why would I add something that tastes the same as the ingredients I’ve already added? Isn’t that an extra step I could live without? Why not be satisfied with the ginger flavor that’s already there and not introduce what is basically the same taste but in the form of a disgusting slimy rubber cube?

“Hey, you know what would make this veggie stir fry taste even better? Some useless snot cubes! Yeah!”

And I know, I know….tofu is a good alternative protein substitute. Please. That’s what bacon is for.

***************

untitled (24)

Don’t you hate it when you’re having an intense conversation with someone on their cell, when suddenly the call drops? It’s usually when I’m in the middle of a rather serious rant about the benefits of sitting too.

I’ll be rambling away and there’s this abrupt dead silence on the other end. This is when I look really stupid. More than I normally do. (Hard to believe, I know.) Because I keep talking on and on to no one. After 30 minutes go by and there’s not a single response like “Uh huh” “Really?” “Get out!” or “I completely 100% agree with everything you say!” I start to think something’s wrong.

Then I get angry because I’m convinced my husband really is there, he’s just holding his breath hoping I’ll finally shut up.  So I yell “HELLO? ARE YOU THERE? HELLO?” and hear nothing but dead air.

This is when I switch into full-blown panic mode. Maybe he really wants to listen to me babble but he’s been abducted by aliens. So I hang up the phone and sit there waiting for him to call me back to tell me he’s alive and not undergoing a series of anal-probes.

Finally after several minutes he calls me back.

“Hey honey…” he mumbles with all the enthusiasm of someone pre-anal-probe.

“Oh my god! You’re alive! What happened to you! Did you drive off the road? Did you get abducted by aliens?”

“Um….no…”he sighs, then mutters under his breath, “…unfortunately…”

“Whew! Good! So anyway, back to my belief more sitting will save the entire human race…”

[dead air]

“Why aliens?” I cry.  “WHYYYYYY???”

**************

Speaking of the involuntary invasion of one’s nether regions, my husband loves the riveting crab-catching show Deadliest Catch. And it’s on all the TVs in our house any given time of the day. This reality show transcends space and time, with its main purpose to drive me batshit insane.

I’ll walk into the living room and hear, “…twenty miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…” I’ll walk into the bedroom, “…twenty miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…” I’ll walk into the bathroom, “…twenty miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…”

We don’t have a TV in the bathroom.

My husband watches marathons of this show, in spite of the fact the guy narrating only manages to say one thing over and over, “…twenty-five miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…” You’d think they’d know by now where the hell in the ocean they are.

Slide1

And I’m amazed my husband can handle the unrelenting suspense of this show. Will they catch crabs today? Or [gasp!] NOT catch crabs today?

Once I walked into the living room and was stunned at what I heard. “Holy hell!” I yelled at my husband lying comatose on the couch.  “Did he just say they were twenty miles northeast of Dutch Harbor?! I cannot believe I am hearing this! I thought they were twenty miles SOUTHeast! Where’s the whiskey? Damn, I need to sit down and process this!”

Because sitting is good.

God how I hate Deadliest Catch.
Hmmm….Must think of a way to destroy all tofu products and Deadliest Catch.

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80 thoughts on “Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 4)

  1. Sitting and thinking are pretty much the best things ever invented. People don’t even realize that they’re missing out when they’re looking at us all judgy like, “Do something!” In fact, high on my list of hobbies are sitting and thinking. Screw people who actually do things. Thinking about doing something from the safety of my own brain while eating Oreos, wrapped up in a blanket and watching Investigation Discovery is so much better.

  2. I am adhd so you would probably hate me. I did get slowed down by my car accident back in 98. It was pure hell. I am one of those people who has to be doing more than one thing at a time or else I think I am a slacker. I don’t think this of other people, why do I hold myself to such a rigid ethic? At 61, I can no longer hold 2 conversations at once. I never did get back everything I could do before my accident, but I find that when I am forced to spend a day just sitting around I feel lazy. I have to admit though because of my FMS I have found I hurt less if I keep moving, not too much mind you, but I just can’t sit or lie around most of the day, If I sit longer than say 15 min. I get so stiff I worry I am dead and don’t know it.

    1. Well, I do manage to exercise every day. I take long walks, I get outside, I breath the fresh air. But people seem to think that’s not enough. I need to be constantly moving or I’m not doing something worthwhile.

  3. I have to add, I don’t run or work out in a gym..ugh. I work out in the yard. I can rest when I want, but no longer than the limited 15 min. or else I feel dead thing. I am able to think while doing this work so, I have it all.

  4. I am so impressed with your sitting! I am working up to that from this laying (lying?) position. If I were as ambitious as you I would probably look up which of those is correct. Another funny post 🙂

  5. I think that you should refer to yourself simply as “a thinker,” Darla. Non-thinkers have no right to know what position your body parts are in to do your thinking.

    And when you think of a way to stop the tofu eaters from insisting that it isn’t the most disgusting thing one can find on a tongue, please let me know immediately. Thanksgiving is coming and my sister-in-law has been hinting she wants a tofurkey.

    1. Noooo!! Not tofurkey!! That would be just WRONG as a Thanksgiving dish — perhaps even more wrong than a bird who never saw the light of day before hitting the table.

  6. Oh, Darladoollidle. You have outdone yourself. Really.
    When my husband and I started living together, I was in school full-time to become a teacher. He would see me sitting in my office, connected to the little kitchen, looking out the window. TV off. He starts cooking and want to watch the news. Or look at me like a slacker because I’m not running outside to help (fill in the blank) weed, water, lift bales of hay, in general get sweaty and buggy, etc)
    I had to explain, a few times, that even though it LOOKS like I’m just sitting here doing nothing, guess what? Yeah, I’m trying to think so I can finish this damn paper that’s due tomorrow (if lucky) and if I try to add another conversation (his) to my brain, I’ll explode! And, not get the damn paper done.

    I almost spewed my beverage when I read: “I’ll walk into the living room and hear, “…twenty miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…” I’ll walk into the bedroom, “…twenty miles southeast of Dutch Harbor…” But, thank GOD, I was sitting and thinking (and watching women’s US Open Tennis final) so I was OK. 🙂

      1. You have to start young, enter all the amateur contests (doctor & dentist offices), work your way up to the local professional affairs (driver license departments, jury duty), and if you do well, you can finally hit the nationals (social security).

        A true professional sitter loses feeling below the waist much sooner than most people. Sometimes, even before marriage!

  7. In London you have to rush around or you get shoved into the gutter (I usually do the shoving) because you have somewhere to be and things to do. People tend to get in the way. it’ll be interesting when I’m in NY next month and the shoe is on the other foot, sounds like I’ll be crawling in the gutter most of the time as I’ll be too busy taking it easy trying to take things in and getting in the way of the busy New Yorkers.

    I keep trying to cook with tofu but every time it irritates me, it either disintegrates to nothing or it doesn’t take on the flavour of the rest of the dish so in both cases it’s inclusion is pointless.

      1. It’s not far for you is it? I say that, looks close on a map but probably like driving from one end of the UK to the other! 😀

        At least I can blog about it, finally – some material!

  8. Wow. I hadn’t really thought about being one finger position away from the world not making sense anymore. Kinda scary. And I can relate to the Tofu argument. Cubes of tasteless snot even if you do add ginger. I would add the sushi argument to that. I don’t like cooked fish. Why would I eat it raw? You sit girl.

  9. Now see, this is what I have been saying for ages. Sitting and thinking has its own rewards that the non-thinkers will never understand! What if Benjamin Franklin and Philo Farnsworth had been marathoners? They never would have discovered the ink between lightning and electricity and later invented the television. Then your husband would be running around in the dark and there would be no way for him to watch Deadliest anything. Remind him of those little facts when he complains about you sitting and using your brain! 😉

    As for the one finger position away… that is actually a frightening thought and I will have to explore it myself later this week, thanks for a blog post idea!

    1. Yes! the greatest inventions in the world weren’t thought up by some “marathoner” spending all their time “marathoning”. Not that I ever use my thinking skills for any good anyway, but I could if I really wanted to, right?

      1. But you DO use your thinking skills for good! You thought about warning those of use who never tried tofu that it is nasty. You made me think about the “one finger position away” ost that I am going to have to figure out how to write, too! So you are already up at least two!

  10. I’m not a huge fan of tofu, but FRIED … it’s not bad. I sit far too much. Can’t say that thinking goes along with it. Just daydreaming. But I hear ya, Darla. It sure beats running around and getting sweaty. 😉

  11. This is my 4th attempt trying to read your post in its entirety. Why? Because my kids won’t let me sit longer than two minutes. Sitting while children are AWAKE seems like an impossible feat.

    It’s is like trying to make a phone call while kids are present–they will undoubtedly start bugging you for something.

    1. I mainly wrote this post for all the parents out there who never seem to sit down for more than a nanosecond. I was thinking of using an office chair in my kitchen so I can just roll around all day getting my kids milk and snacks.

  12. Ha! I’m entering my second straight year of hours-long sitting stretches, but my butt isn’t yet big enough to prove my newly enjoyed status. Perhaps I should give up tofu. Or kids.

  13. Sitting is really great. I love it. But you know what’s even better than sitting? (I know, I know, bear with me here . . .) Laying down!! Oh man, you can really get some good thinking done when you are in an absolutely horizontal position. And good napping as well. I do all my best work while napping. Or so I keep trying to convince my boss.

  14. The first paragraph killed me. I was laughing and nodding at the same time. I want t-shirts that say, “Don’t be bitter because I’m a sitter!”

    Also, the iPhone’s predictive text is the absolute worst, and I always end up writing things that make the RECEIVER think I’m having a stroke. Me: “What two hour drugs night night?” Friend: “What does that mean? Are you okay?! I’M CALLING 911.” Me: “Oh, autocorrect fail. I was asking if you wanted to have drinks tonight.”

    1. Oh yeah, I hate my auto-correct! My thumbs are like big fat sausages so typing a simple text is agony for me. I have to type, then erase, re-type, then re-type again, then swear at the phone, then throw the phone at the wall. It makes me so mad I almost stand up.

  15. I’m with you in the sitting thinking thing. The men in my family are also fans of Deadliest Catch and, like you, I don’t get it. It has to be a man thing along with Ice Road Truckers and all those other testosterone shows. To think they all moan when I want to watch Gardener’s World.

  16. I spend my work days standing up (and running around vainly attempting to keep the shelves stocked and neat), so I’ve gained a new appreciation for sitting lately.
    Also, thank you for reassuring me that I’m not missing anything by not trying tofu. You have done me a great service. 🙂

  17. OK, now I’m convinced that aliens abducted you and my husband, switched your bodies, and voila! Still the same person. 😉 He lives everything in his head; I live everything straight out of my mouth.

    Very funny, Darla, thanks for the laugh.
    C

  18. I’m with you on the sitting, and apparently if you’re a constant fidget like me, then that’s as good as exercise, so the way I look at it, the more I sit, the more I’m exercising, but without having to think about it. I mean, obviously I’m thinking because that’s the point of sitting, I’m just not thinking about “it”, and when I say “it” I’m talking about exercise, which is ironic because as you said, when you’re exercising you can’t really think of much. You know what I mean?

  19. orawrites

    “But that unsettling feeling doesn’t go away does it? Basically, we’re all one finger position away from nothing in the world making sense anymore.”

    I feel that, sister.

  20. Pingback: One Finger Position Away… | Sacred Hands Coven

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