Hey! I’ve Got Something to Tell You…! (maybe)

Our current culture is driven by drama.  Some of it real, most of it imagined. Seems like these days everything has to be packaged into little sound bites in order to get our attention. With all the digital technology out there– and because we now have the attention spans of a gnat– we have to be crafty with what we throw out there. We need a hook. Things have to be almost like a cliffhanger if we are to get anyone to notice us and our humdrum existence.

For example, once on Facebook, a friend of mine posted in her status update: At ER!!! That was it. Nothing about who was at the ER, why they were at the ER, if anyone was dying or not. Just ‘at ER’. After a flood of concerned comments she posted again: False alarm, just a migraine!

For fun, I once posted on my facebook status a single word as a little experiment to see how people would respond. I typed: Oregano. And then I sat back and waited. The comments flooded in and it turned out to be the most comment-generating status I have ever seen on my facebook page. That may say a lot about our social lives or just that oregano is a riveting conversation starter.

We all seem to want this attention, even if it’s brief. Even if it’s not a genuine crisis. My own 78 year old mother does it now.

I’ll come home and see a message on my machine (I know, I am the last person on the planet to still have a landline and an answering machine) I’ll hit play and her frantic voice fills the room, “Darla! Darla! Are you there? I know you’re there! Darla! I need you! Darla? Daaaaarlaaaa? I need–” then she’ll abruptly hang up. Naturally, my heart starts to race and I call her back, thinking the worst. “Mom? Are you okay? Is it your heart again? Do I need to call 911? Did you fall down? Did aliens come to abduct you? Did you eat an entire pan of brownies but there’s no milk? What is it?!” and they’ll be a long pause and then she’ll laugh and say, “Huh? Oh, no, dear. Goodness, nothing like that! I just wanted to tell you that on Dr. Oz he’s doing an entire show on pee and poop! Can you believe that? Poop!”

Why, yes, mom. I can believe that.

Cute Kiddo Quote of the Week: My nine year old son fell down and got a big scratch on his foot. He could have received the Academy Award for Best Actor for Dying a Slow and Painful Death. After he stopped crying, I tucked him in on the couch, brought him some apple juice and a cookie, turned the TV on Phinneus and Ferb and leaned in to hug him (he squirmed away) Then I asked him, “Do you need anything else before I go?”  Without missing a beat he grinned and said, “A twenty?” So after I brought him $20, I told him he could have it as long as he let me give him one hug. Who says money can’t buy love?

Shameless Begging for Votes I am in The Good Greatsby’s caption contest again.
Mr. Skittles and I would appreciate it if you’d take a second out of your busy day and throw us a vote. If you want. No pressure. Oh, and he wanted to tell you all something before I go…

Little monkey
Image via Wikipedia

After Maineiac lost her last caption contest in a crushing defeat to Peg-o-leg, I ran away. I was quickly captured and forced to live behind these giant yellow bars that I  probably could squeeze through enough to escape my captors and taste my glorious freedom, but since I’ve lost the will to live, I didn’t.

English: Saimiri sciureus. Français : Saimiri ...
Image via Wikipedia

I spent many long, cold and lonely days praying for Maineiac to have another shot at caption glory, my only sustenance a few rancid Circus Peanuts that had turned green from decay.

English: A small monkey. Singapore.
Image via Wikipedia

It’s been a brutal winter while waiting for my beloved owner to spring me from this hell. Time has not been kind: my fur now a ghastly white, my tired bones ravaged by arthritis, my face  forever frozen into a mask of unrelenting hope; hope that you will vote for Darla’s caption here. Or vote for The Life of Jamie, Ape No.1, HoaiPhai, or Perry Block. I will forgive you because theirs are funny as well.

So to sum up:
Mr. Skittles thanks you. Me good monkey. Me love you forever. Methinks Circus Peanuts taste like poop. If you don’t vote, then please send me some real food instead, preferably Hostess Twinkies. Ooh ooh ah ah!

86 thoughts on “Hey! I’ve Got Something to Tell You…! (maybe)

    1. No doubt about that, Lisa. I’m not sure our attention spans can be compared to anyth–huh, what?

      And the monkey says, “ooh ooh ah ah!” (mr. Skittles has shown his appreciation by refraining to throw his poop at you, not something he does for just anybody)

  1. Monkey’s remind me of a Facebook post a friend did, actually someone hijacked their Facebook and posted “I like bananas” So funny.

    You’re steaming ahead on the caption contest, I had to split my votes between yourself and Ape No 1 though. Not enough people vote considering the amount of followers, shame on them! The amount of blood sweat and tears that go into a caption answer.

    1. No kidding. Great ideas for punishment. Just recently I posted in my status: Off to get fingerprinted today. And that was it. Then I waited a day until I added: The fingerprints were for my Ed Tech recertification. Oops! My bad!

      I have lost all interest in facebook lately. It’s turned into just a mess of lukewarm drama played out like we’re on the playground again. I am so close to shutting my account down completely but I don’t know if Mark Zuckerberg would let me.

      1. Yep. I find myself in the same predicament. With Facebook, not my Mother giving me emergency calls and hanging up in the mi-
        Also, love the line “That may say a lot about our social lives or just that oregano is a riveting conversation starter.” A couple years back, when FB was new to me, a friend in CA posted one day “Ants”. Just ‘Ants’. And, like Oregano, it generated a heated debate. Many old friends, and a few family members, were defriended that day. Some were blocked. Maybe even reported – dred!

        And no – Zuckerberg will not let you quit him. His technology is like the silent stalker we all wish we had, but only if we could catch them and sue them for a few hundred million dollars 😀

        Histerical post, Darla. (hush-hush: smart, too )

      2. Yeah, Spectra…see ‘ants’ and ‘oregano’ are such hot topics and filled with controversy, we have to be careful what we throw out there. Are people really that bored? I suppose so.

        I am going to start downsizing my facebook friends list which I know of a few people who have done…reduce it down to just close family members and friends that I actually want to be in touch with…imagine that concept!

  2. I too voted for you — but only because my hilariously funny entry sadly didn’t make the cut. :(. I will be avenged … eventually. To think that I lost out to Oregano.

  3. Don’t worry, Mr. Skittles! You know I have plenty of rancid Circus Peanuts laying around my house to dish out. Sorry, no Twinkies. I checked and 1979-Angie had raided all the 7-11 stores in a 400-mile radius of my home.

    I’m so glad you are shamelessly promoting your caption entry (no, actually, I put the “shame” in caption contest vote wrangling). It is sooooo good! From a comedy perspective, your entry makes my kitten kidnapping seem like, well, kitten kidnapping. Wah-wah.

    1. Darn that ’79 Angie! (I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘damn’ because she is just so gosh-dern sweet!) wah-wah, indeed.

      Yes, it was your comment about never forgiving me that prompted this shameless and pathetic cry for help. Thank you. (plus I had loads of fun finding sad monkey pics!)

      1. Although YOUR caption is gut-busting funny and totally deserves to win, I did think that Angie and I did ok, too. (Anybody like a nice, juicy handful of sour grapes?_

      2. I just re-read what I wrote and I TOTALLY didn’t mean “wah-wah” regarding your kitten caption! I meant “wah-wah” in reference to you, 1979-Angie, having no Twinkies! I swear to God! Your kitten caption was funny, I was trying to come up with something to do with that guy’s suitcase but couldn’t at all.

      3. Don’t be silly — I knew what you meant 😉 Anyway, kittens are pathetic sources of humor — except when Steve Martin juggles them in The Jerk.

        I think my exact words were something like I’d “lose all respect in you” if you didn’t promote the hell out of your awesome caption entry.

        Peg, you need to take some time off from your always-fantastic caption entries. You’re making the rest of us look bad. I say let’s put the “haha” back in kitten-based comedy.

    1. Mags, I rue the day I opened up my account. I was one of the last to get on there and I kept asking my friends what the point of it was…then I got sucked right into the social media vortex forever.

  4. Ha! Darla I was expecting this. Today morning, when I was checking that “Comment I have made page”, I came to know about this voting, through someone’s comment on your last post. Although I voted for you by then; still I was waiting for this fun.

    I liked your take on Facebook. It was really funny. Few days earlier I got a message from one of my friends, which was “A girl updated her status message on Facebook with a message that “I am sad.” And she got hundreds of likes and comments; but when a boy updated his profile with the same status message; he got only one comment that was “Every dog has its day.” 🙂

    Good Luck to you.

      1. or try ‘pissed off and furious’. You’ll be rich in no time. I find negative posts generate much more stats than humor or anything else. Like, double to tripple for me?????

  5. Hi Darla
    I enjoyed the post and I had a good laugh at the caption contest. That’s two for two.

    But I’d like someone who enjoys Facebook to explain it to us. Your ER story reminds me of a friend who wrote on her Facebook wall that she’d broken her arm, and 13 people clicked the like button. What’s to like about someone breaking their arm?

    1. Exactly, Rosie. This ‘liking’ epidemic has got to stop. It’s a sign of the times though, isn’t it? We don’t actually go to someone’s house to offer them help because they broke their arm, we just do the lazy like-clicking and go on with our day.

  6. Oh my gosh – the Facebook stuff is hilarious! I want to try the single status, Darla. That kills me. You’re hilarious! I’d say more, but I’m worried about Skittles. (Taste the rainbow.)

  7. We’re starting a fund to stockpile Twinkies for Mr. Skittles. Hostess is going under, however, if you win the caption contest, then you can probably buy the company under Chapter 11 and we’ll all be taking orders from you and Mr. Skittles.

  8. WTF IS WITH PEOPLE AND ALL THEIR DRAMA?? Oh, I’m yelling aren’t I and being dramatic. Silly me.
    Ha, but I kid you not. My sister in law posted the other day on Facebook. “Thank goodness for ERs” and then nothing else for hours. Seriously?? Turns out one of the kids had an ear infection or something.

      1. That’s the first step, Darla. In no time, you’ll be willing to admit that only a power higher than yourself – that’s Zuckerberg hisself – can restore you to sanity.

  9. Just so you feel better, I also have a landline and an answering machine. We finally got a cell phone, but we are terribly bad with it– whenever it rings we bat it around like a hot potato and can’t figure out how to answer it. 😦

    1. The image of you guys throwing the phone around made me laugh. We have one cell phone, it’s not a ‘smart’ phone, just your old, run-of-the-mill relic from a couple years ago. We are so behind the times.

  10. great post about our increasing lack of attention. My grandfather will leave the same messages for me on my voicemail. He knows that I can’t hear him, but it doesn’t stop him from yelling Richelle Pick UP!!!!!

    1. Ha! I think my mother would do the same thing, but thank goodness I don’t have voicemail. She is pretty tech challenged, she still doesn’t know what the internet is and has never been on it…I kind of envy her.

      1. I thank ya kindly…by the way…how DO you draw those little movies? You have such talent, I am jealous. I am actually still working on my Ode to WordPress/Freshly Pressed movie. It is pretty bad so it should be pretty fun to watch later once I post it…hehe….mwa ha ha!

  11. My vote is in for you. You didn’t hear this from me, but you’ve got 43% of the vote so far.

    I will stuff the polldaddy ballot box for you, if need be!

    I’ve been out of touch with my favorite bloggers so it’s good to be starting back by reading D-Woww’s first! 🙂

    Hope you have been well.

    BTW, do you think when you typed “Oregano” they may have thought you were one of the Spice Girls??? hehehehe 😉

    1. I think they thought I may have been smoking too much Oregano that day.

      (Mr. Skittles and I thank you for your vote, it’s much appreciated! oh and by the way, I signed up for Pinterest. Kill. Me. Now.)

      1. You. Crack. Me. Up. I just laughed so hard and my puppy is wondering why!! I read your “Kill. Me. Now.” and couldn’t stop laughing.

        You are too funny. I swear you and I are brother and sister in this alternate universe!

      2. MJ, I rarely break out the single word sentences. But Pinterest brought it out of me. I did sign up (dammit!) and now I have no idea what to do with it. Several of my friends are ‘following’ me on there and to be honest, that scares me a little. People want to know what I like…what products I want to promote? I have no clue what the point of pinterest is…and I don’t think I want to know. I will just leave it be and go on being addicted to blogging. 😀

  12. Darla, I pass on an award to your blog for this wonderful blog header. 🙂 On a serious note, I mentioned your blog in a post dedicated to all blogging awards I got.

    1. Oh, thank you, Arindam. I appreciate that, will go now to check it out.

      My header was fun. It was a challenge to try and come up with a likeness of me using only a few shaky lines from my Paint computer program but it’s was well worth the effort. (and came out looking like my 9 year old son drew it which is the effect I was going for….hehehe)

    1. Thanks, Rosie. I kept looking at it and decided to change it once again. I am having fun with coming up with ideas…I am just so sick of my sunset winter picture header I had up there. And spring is coming so time to get rid of the snow.

  13. Hey, forgot to tell you I voted for you (because I want the brownie points when you take over the Twinkie Company) . So I come back here…and it’s all different. You KNOW how I hate change.

    It’ looks great. How’s the job?

    1. Thank ya kindly, Barb! Mr. Skittles is slowly hanging on to that last shred of hope that I will win the caption contest.

      As soon as I take over Twinkie, you will be the first person I will hire. You don’t mind if I pay you in Twinkies do you? I hear the chocolate ones are fabulous…

      I know you hate change so I apologize… but I just changed my blog theme about 100 times this morning in the span of 10 minutes. I have FINALLY managed to get it looking halfway decent. I swear: no more changes for awhile. (I’ve got a serious headache just trying to figure out all the wordpress widgets and whoozeewhatzits….)

      1. oh…and the job hasn’t started yet, thank you for asking. I am waiting for all the paperwork, background check to go through and praying they call me next week. (I sure hope they don’t find that blemish on my record when I inadvertently ate a tootsie roll while talking to one of my friends at our local five and dime in 1981…)

    1. Five, huh? yeah, it gets worse. My son is almost 10 so he can sense when I am even thinking of hugging him before I even know it myself. I’ll take a step toward him and he’ll run away like lightning. And he used to be so snuggly once upon a time! He’s still super sweet and lovable but I just can’t touch him anymore. Sigh. Such is the life of a mom.

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