Well, here we are, only January 8th and my New Year is already shaping up to be chock-full of bra-exploding drama.
A few highlights (and some lowlights):
- I exercised to a new Xbox video game program but went a little overboard. I did about 100 squats in 45 minutes. The next day I went to sit down and nearly passed out from the pain shooting from my thighs. Now I have flabby thighs AND I don’t want to sit down anymore. My will to live has vanished. So much for that resolution.
- My 9-year-old daughter was very sick with pneumonia. She became ill on Christmas Day and for nearly a week afterward. Funny how everything in your life, every stupid little worry disappears completely when your kid is sick. Last time she had it she was very close to being admitted to the hospital for an IV, so I was very concerned (panicked). Thankfully, her fever finally went away yesterday and she was back to her old cheerful self. She gave me a huge hug last night and said in her sweet grown-up voice, “Thank you for taking care of me, Mommy.” Melted my heart because of course I will always take care of her, that is my job! And the older I get, the more I realize it’s the most important job to me. Everything else I do is just gravy.
- Siri followed me on Twitter. Or to be more accurate, the actual woman behind the voice, Susan Bennett. (I’m still not convinced Siri isn’t a robot sent from Steve Jobs to destroy the human race.) Sure, Siri follows about a million other people, but I was tickled pink. I was so happy I forgave her for that snide tone she took with me last week when I asked her how many squats it would take to burn off one doughnut and she said: “Give up now.”
- I write alt-text for an academic publishing company and completed yet another anatomy textbook today. At this rate, I could easily pass for Dr. House. Or at the very least, I can rattle off every single structure of the male/female genitalia with confidence. I’m certain this skill will come in handy one day.
- My bra exploded.
I was picking up some heavy bags while checking out at Target, went to straighten up and that is the precise moment the metal hooks in my bra decided to break free. I have never had this happen in my life. The force of my wardrobe malfunction was so powerful, my boobs shot out from under their restraints like balls from a cannon. Really sad, floppy cannonballs. It was almost as if my bra was saying, “Nope, uh huh. I ain’t gonna hold your girls back no more. The force of gravity is much too strong. You’re on your own, girlfriend.” The best part was my bra just sadly hung there, slowly sliding down the inside of my sweater as I tried to make small talk with the clerk while simultaneously squishing my boobs together awkwardly with one arm. I must have had a constipated look on my face because my daughter tugged on my sleeve and asked, “Mom, do you gotta go poop?” Later on, after I had told her what had happened to my bra she said, “Why do you have to wear a bra anyway? What is it for?” And I thought, Yeah! What the fuck are they for?! Who needs ’em! So, if you happen to see me again at Target grinning like a fool it’s because I’m free-boobin’ it now. I make no apologies. - I’m reading a funny book. So funny, I cry with laughter every time I sit down to read it. (okay, I’m mainly crying because of my thighs) It’s John Cleese’s So, Anyway…. It’s a memoir and the way he spins a tale from his youth kills me. He’s got that dry humor I love.
“So, creatively, I was doubly blessed: constant relocation and parental disharmony. Add to these two gifts the well-established fact that many of the world’s greatest geniuses, both artistic and scientific, have been the product of serious maternal deprivation, and I am forced to the conclusion that if only my mother had been just a little more emotionally inadequate, I could have been HUGE.” – John Cleese
One of my fave movies is A Fish Called Wanda (I saw it TWICE at the theater back in the day). But would you believe I NEVER saw a single Monty Python movie? I think it’s because my brothers watched them so much but I refused to stay in the same room with a bunch of rowdy, farting jackholes on purpose.
- I’ll leave you all with a few posts I read recently that you need to check out:
Over at Peg-o-leg’s blog, it’s a coyote-ugly time as Peg bravely ventures out on a walk in the woods in Crouching Tiger, Crapping Coyote.
Blogdramedy explores writer’s block and inspirational memes in The Search For My Words.
Exile on Pain Street contemplates Picasso and other things in This is Picasso’s Brain on Drugs.
Paul Johnson (aka The Good Greatsby) is back writing humor and doing stand-up comedy in 5 Tips for Surviving Your Child’s Christmas Pageant.
Jackie explores what fiction can teach us about life in Why We Read: The Truth.
Steve tries to become a morning person in My New Year’s ResolutionHappy reading!
She's A Maineiac 
This cracks me up. It especially resonates because I’m about to see if I can get assistance back to my desk via wheelchair, as the thought of climbing stairs to my floor from doing unnecessary repetitive movements, also know as a workout, has created my lack of mobility for the day. Love your blog bits! Happy new year.
Well, here’s to much less unnecessary repetitive movements in 2016! Happy new year to you as well.
Note to self: Never read Darla’s posts in the Ladies’ Room at work. Coughing just doesn’t cover up belly laughs.
To know you might have been laughing in the office bathroom made my day, Elyse.
Your post made mine. Glad your daughter and your boobs are ok.
Well, my daughter is, I don’t think my boobs ever will be.
Mine will never be the same after “coughing” so much reading about yours.
Siri followed me on Twitter too! And I followed her back, so I’m now waiting to see how long it takes for her to unfollow me. I’ve found that famous/well-known Twitterers (Tweeters?) are often quite fickle…
I’m sorry to hear about your daughter — that must have been scary. Glad to hear she’s better now.
And your exploding bra story was too funny! 😀
Happy 2016!
It was scary. I had a hard time sleeping most nights listening to her coughing. She is totally back to normal now thank god. Happy 2016 to you too!
Darla, next time try slathering (that’s Southern for too much is still not enough) Vapor Rub on the bottoms of her feet, put thick socks on, and send her off to bed. According to my friends, this resolves a cough overnight. Either they are right or I have a whole boatload of lying friends. 😉
Thanks for the laughs, Darla, dear, and Happy 2016!!
I love that you wrap up with a list of other blog posts you are digging. My goal for 2016 is to try to figure out how to be less of a narcissistic a-hole, and I appreciate that you take the time to shout out the work of others. Good on you, lady.
And bras ARE stupid, but at least we didn’t get saddled with neckties. Happy New Year.
I’m with you. I aim to be less of a narcissistic asshole in 2016. So far so good, but then it’s only January 8th. Happy new year to you as well.
Aim high, fail spectacularly. That’s my motto.
That seems to be the common theme in my life. Maybe I should try aiming low from now on.
I’m so glad your daughter is better!
About you wardrobe malfunction; I think we should all free-boob, all the time! 🙂
FREE THE BOOBS! FREE THE BOOBS! (best chant ever)
Omg! This is hilariously funny. It made me forget about my own misery for just a few minutes. And I laughed. I really laughed. Thank you!
If there’s anything my sad, floppy cannonball boobs are good for, it’s making you guys laugh. Actually it’s the only thing they’re good for.
You’re lucky it wasn’t a bikini! That’s happened to me more than once!
Yikes! Yeah, see I have never nor will I ever wear a bikini. I’d be more comfortable in an extra-large muumuu.
Well, one thing to be grateful for about that situation then…
You’re supposed to ease your way into an exercise program. Didn’t that thing come with instructions?
I’ve got a 9-year old, too. My mind ran through the scenario you just described with her and I know how you feel. That’s your job, you say? Pish. A job is something you HAVE to do. I’d like to see you try and NOT take care of her. Mine got me a “Your Following the Best Dad” license plate holder. Of course, I’ll put it on my car. Embarrassment and all.
The next time your bra gives up the ghost, could you possibly get it on video and post it? Is that too much to ask for?
I just started Adam Resnick’s “Will Not Attend,” a purportedly “funny” book. I couldn’t wait until it came out in paperback but now it’s here and I just find the whole thing mean-spirited and dull. I’m going to bail out for Cleese.
Hey, look at that. A link. Thanks very, very much. If I were a cat, I’d purr. Meow.
True, it can’t really even be described as a “job”. It’s more of a indescribable feeling rooted deep in my bones. Being a mom is who I am.
And man, do I WISH I had a video. You guys would be absolutely terrified. And possibly turned off the female anatomy forever.
Enjoy Cleese. It did take a bit to get engrossed in his writing but the pay-off is awesome. He sneaks in these zingers that literally make me laugh out loud. Not easy with a book. The only other book I’ve laughed like that was George Carlin’s Brain Droppings.
Bras suck! But now I want to read the John Cleese book too!
Well, if you like dry British wit, it’s the book for you. I love it. And yeah, bras suck big time.
Look, I don’t like bras, either. There was no end to the trouble they gave me when I was a young lad. You have to have a degree in engineering to quickly and efficiently disengage them. But let’s face it, they’re a necessary evil. Without them, your lovely bosoms would hang down to your knees by the time you were 50. Don’t believe me? Grab a copy of National Grographic.
What are you saying? That knee-hanging boobs aren’t good? But I could just sling them over my shoulder if I had to! Maybe tie them in a neat knot.
Bras really do suck, but keep me from tripping…I am so glad your daughter is better. I teach anatomy – and I love the language of it. Sometimes I just say the words for fun – gastrocnemius, amygdala, epicranial aponeurosis, hippocampus – why, I could go on and on.
Good point. We’d all be tripping idiots with no bras. I also LOVE medical language! My favorite is the medulla oblongata. I’m doing yet another medical book next week. So, if you’re ever in need of an emergency appendectomy, I’ll be there for you. You’d probably die, but I’ll be able to read you the description of the surgery verbatim.
Medulla oblongata, another of my faves!
My appendix is already gone…maybe you could do a lobotomy?
For you, of course!
Give a girl a little warning before laying the exploding boob material on her – I was trying to make appropriately sympathetic sounds on the phone to a client who was complaining, on and on, about losing his health insurance, while at the same time I was reading this, and I burst into snorting giggles at a very inopportune moment.
Would it be weird to admit I’ll be thinking of your really sad, flappy canon balls for quite a long while?
How scary about your little sweetie! I’m so glad she’s better. You’re right – mommy is job #1. I really miss that, even with the ups and downs. Although my oldest asked for my help today in restructuring her student loans and getting on track with a better savings program, so that warmed my mother’s heart immensely.
Thanks for the bloggy shout out, my dear. Hope you have a fabulous weekend!
Oh, no, not weird at all! In fact, I encourage it. Darla=sad floppy canonballs.
And I cannot wait to deal with student loans with my kids one day. Wait a sec–I’m dealing with my OWN student loans right now! I think I’m in trouble.
I hope you have a wonderful, coyote-dumping-free weekend, Peggles!
The bra thing has happened to me on multiple occasions. In fact, the last time it happened to me I was on a job interview, and I had to pretend my fat chest sack wasn’t slowly making its way down to my waistline on the left side. I just kept nodding like an idiot all the whole thinking about my nipple accidentally making an appearance.
AHAHAHA! Fat chest sack! OH YEAH! You get me, Jen, you really get me! (I am so happy to see you here!)
Exploding bra! Hysterical. Still laughing at the thought!
I did laugh quite a bit once I got safely into my car, boobs swinging all over the place. Made for hazardous driving conditions.
Thanks for the laugh-out-loud post, but it did remind me of a painful teenage incident I thought I’d successfully repressed.
When I was a 16 I dove into the pool at my family’s apartment complex (hot sunny afternoon, lots of people lounging about) and the pressure of the dive caused the bra top of the hand-me-down swimsuit I got from my sister to burst like it was spring-loaded. I frantically tried to refasten it as I sunk into the deep water, but I couldn’t manage it with one hand. (My other hand was busy trying to hold the useless top somewhat in place).
For a few seconds I seriously considered staying at the bottom to escape the embarrassment that awaited me at the surface. Then I thought better of it and made a one-armed beeline for the ladder at the edge of the pool. By a great stroke of luck my dad had seen what’d happened, and when I emerged he was waiting with a towel to cover me.
I don’t know if anyone else noticed the mishap because I refused to look up and meet anyone’s eyes. My dad thought it was no big deal, but I wanted to die of shame.
Ah, memories!
Ah, that’s awful! Yes, sometimes it’s hard to make the decision: exposed boobs or drowning? I’m glad you made the right choice. I have never had that happen to me either. I suppose my boobs just aren’t that adventurous.
Thanks for the shout-out, Darla!
Siri followed me on Twitter also. I felt strangely special. 🙂
You’re welcome! Man, that Siri sure gets around, huh?
Hahaha! That’s great! My sports bra snapped open at the gym once, but fortunately only one strap came undone so I don’t think anyone noticed. I’m going to have to check out that book. I love John Cleese! Have you seen Faulty Towers?
I have seen Faulty Towers, but maybe only one episode. I’ll have to check it out more now.
Pingback: Friday Favorites #17 | Three's a Herd
I almost peed my pants when I read about your exploding bra debauchle! P.S. I’m also sore from the insane that is yoga for weight loss I’ve done this week. Holy *bleep*!
Good for you! I’m doing yoga every other day. But I’m taking it slow by doing mostly the “mountain” pose. While lying down. And sleeping.
Oh my gosh! Your exploding bra experience is just like what happened with my boxer briefs!
Fine, I accidentally put on my seven-year-olds Underoos. But still…
Haha! Doing my best George Takei: Oh my.
An exploding bra in Target! There is nothing worse… well… except for maybe thinking you’re going to pass gas when more than gas passes. I’ll leave it at that. Happy New Year!
Happy new year to you too!
Take good care of your daughter. Like you do. Just like you do.
This is hilarious! Mostly because this time it was happening to you, and not to me. I tried the “Beachbody 21 Day Fix” last summer and after day two I couldn’t climb the 5 steps up from my front door to my living room. I had to live on a porch for a week.
Good luck to you, your thighs, your boobs, and especially your little girl. Been through the pneumonia thing, too, back when my kids were little ones!
I don’t know why I fall for it every year. I think I can suddenly become Richard Simmons. Sweatin’ to the Oldies
I keep looking at my 21 day fix CD…..waiting for it to jump up and bite me on the butt……
After reading this, you’re excused from doing pretty much whatever you don’t want to do for the rest of the year. And with all this going on you still found time to toot the horns of some pretty spectacular bloggers. Thank you for reading what we write. And thank you for writing what we like to read.
Now drop and give us 50. *grin*
You are more than welcome, BD. I should really link to other bloggers more but to be honest, I’m not very tech-savvy and it takes me forever to figure out the links, copy and paste and yada, yada, yada. This post took me nearly three weeks to complete.
The bit about Siri set me thinking. The Twitter would be the battleground where the last drop of human blood will ever be spilt.
Isn’t that written in some ancient quatrain by Nostradamus?
The bra story was funny, so funny it made me laugh and had my grandson asking what was wrong, why was I laughing, why he would think something was wrong just because I was laughing it isn’t like I don’t laugh and why would you think something was wrong just because I was laughing
Laughing is never wrong.
Too funny! Guessing it was probably one of those sexy Vic Secrets bras pushing everything out into the public. Wait… no? You were in sweatpants and an LL Bean sweatshirt? Oops, my bad! Anyway, glad no one was injured… thanks for the shout out!!
Oh yeah! I totally was wearing hot pants and a tight bodice with gigantic angel feathers! It’s the only way I shop at Target.
I glad your boobs and your daughter survived!
Thanks, Susie!
I’ve had my eye on the John Cleese book. I do sometimes wonder if I could have achieved more creatively if my parents had argued more and if my mom had withheld love.
Oh, you would like this book! I’m only a quarter of a way in and he’s already made fun of P. G. Wodehouse.
Impossible! I absolutely worship P.G. Wodehouse and his genius demands to be taken seriously.
Don’t worry, he mainly makes fun of his brother, who obviously must have been the lesser genius of the two. Poor guy.
Firstly glad your daughter’s fine now! She’s had pneumonia twice? Poor her and you!
We often make fools of ourselves at the checkout don’t we, they must have some tales to tell – there’s a good book to be written there for someone! ‘Tales from the Checkout’. I haven’t released my boobs at the checkout ever, but once I whipped my wallet out of my handbag so quickly that it caught a tampon in my bag and flipped it into the air, it felt like slow motion, the checkout girl and I both watched it go up into the air, spin round a couple of times and then drop down and land on the counter. I just grabbed it and shoved it back in my bag and we bog carried on as if nothing had happened while I wondered how many people waiting in line behind me had seen.
Oh I love that tampon story! bwa ha haaaa!
You know it’s not going to be good when your bra starts talking ghetto shit in the check-out line. I was crying!
Glad your little bean is feeling better. Nothing worse, especially with a creative imagination. That struggle is real.
I see too that your daughter has your keen eye immediately recognizing your poop face.
I’m not too well versed in exploding bras, though my favorite brown leather belt is not long for this world. I’d guess I’d assign the belt a Wild West kind of drawl if I gave it an accent at all.
I only WISH I had to go poop instead.
Love the exploding bra story. I had an occassion once where unbeknownst to me my bra had caught a bunch of charms (don’t ask). I bent over to pick something up in front of my male colleague and out exploded a rainstorm of charms (picture hip hop video, but upside down)… at least my sad floppy cannonballs stayed put. Thanks for making me see the upside!
I had no idea so many of us have had mishaps with our bras. Makes me feel less sad and floppy now.
Did anyone ever tell you you are just as funny as Cleese? And if you think he’s funny, I definitely will get that book! Love your exploding bra thing and the casting out of the squatting resolution. I love your blog!
Would you believe no one has ever told me that?
Thank you. You might like his book if you like dry humor that meanders and takes its time.
Great! You had me laughing so hard, the pee escaped. Luckily I do not have to worry about what I would look like if my bra exploded, because if my shirt was loose enough, I wouldn’t be wearing one. But if I were wearing a shirt that fit properly, I don’t think anyone would even notice, as my mother kept most of the endowment in that category to herself.
Thankfully peeing while laughing hasn’t happened at the Target checkout line to me. Yet.
lol
I just read this riotous post to my wife, a fellow Mainer, and we had a great laugh!
Darla … You have a lot more composure than I would if my bra exploded. I would have sat my purchases down on the counter and whimpered as I slinked out of the store. Great imagery and laughs.
I love John Cleese and that does look like a book I’d want to read. Thanks for the recommendation. 😉
Pingback: January Recap | Just A Primer
Your post was hysterical! Thanks for the laughs.