Are you or someone you know suffering from pharmaceuticalitis?
Do you sit down to watch television only to be constantly interrupted by a steady barrage of commercials featuring a moderately-attractive silver-haired woman holding a red balloon while riding a bicycle through a field of lavender?
Do you wonder if you also have toenail fungus? Receding eyebrows? Wonky knees? Uneven boobs? Much-too-large areolas? Weird toes? In-law Aversion? Sudden Urge to Be Snarky Disease? Accidental Profanity Syndrome? Perpetual Disgust For Silver-Haired Women Who Ride Bicycles?
Thanks to a recent medical breakthrough, your days of pharmaceuticalitis are over! Time to put an end to your suffering while watching ads about suffering!
Introducing the FDA-not-approved Rxlia.
Rxlia is designed with you in mind. Just one pill every three minutes every hour of the day and those pesky ads will disappear or at the very least seem only mildly annoying.
Each time-released pill gently floods your body with a clinically-not-approved mixture of feel-good hormones and mild sedatives with a hint of cinnamon and ganja. Soon all those intrusive thoughts about possible swelling of your lips, tongue or throat will disappear, allowing you to once again fully enjoy yet another bad episode of King of Queens.
Rxlia is not for everyone. Serious or deadly side effects may occur if you do not use as directed. Some of these may or may not, but most likely will because who are we kidding include:
ALL OF THE SIDE EFFECTS*.
Don’t wait! Talk to your doctor about Rxlia because those yacht payments won’t make themselves. Take control of your life by erasing these commercials (and most long and short term memory) from your mind today!
*Side effects have been known to increase markedly with each dose and may include eye-twitch, excessive drooling, extreme KFC consumption and vivid hallucination of tiny silver-haired women riding bicycles through fields of lavender. Taking Rxlia does not improve odds of finding Kevin James funny.
54 thoughts on “Take two pills and call me never.”
I am a long time sufferer of Accidental Profanity Syndrome, and Rxlia is the only thing I found that works. Thank you Darlaxo-Klein Pharmaceuticals – you saved my life! At least I think you did. I can’t remember. What were we talking about again?
While Rxlia may cause temporary remission from Accidental Profanity Syndrome, it may increase likelihood of Purely Intentional Swearing Syndrome if one is simultaneously suffering from In-Law Aversion. Darlaxo-Klein Pharmaceuticals cannot be legally or illegally held responsible for any and all additional side effects that may or may not occur while taking Rxlia.
wonderful insightful article….would write more but it is time for another pill
While maintaining correct dosing is beneficial to the patient, clinical studies have shown taking Rxlia with a greasy bucket of KFC chicken greatly increases its effectiveness and ability to find Kevin James even remotely funny.
this is so strange–I was talking to my husband about Kevin James just this morning–it was not a long conversation!
very funny, but what if I just turn the damn tv off? I guess I could read about football or baseball or any other sport, instead of watch it. Nah…. I’ll just have to ignore the ad and pretend I didn’t hear my 12 year old daughter when she asks …..’dad, what’s erectile dysfunction?’
Darlaxo-Klein Pharmaceuticals is proud to introduce to you the FDA-banned medication Erectilia-Be-Gone! Just one spray in both nostrils renders most children incapable of asking Dad embarrassing questions while watching sports on TV.
I’ll need that!
My eyebrows have been disappearing for years. I’m so grateful to you for finally giving me a name for my affliction.
Are your eyebrows disappearing? Do you suffer from the obsessive urge to overpluck? Take your life and your brows back and ask your doctor about Pluxia today! Side effects may include: uni-brow, excessive chin hair and/or mutton chops.
It’s pretty crazy some of these pharmaceutical ads. Between the insurance company and them, they must own more money than all the countries in the world with all the ads they do combined.
I know, it’s really incredible how many commercials and afflictions are out there. It’s big bucks. You’d think by now pharma companies would figure out a way to capitalize on all those people now suffering from the side effect of swollen lips, tongue or throat and make a pill for that too.
Or figure out how to cure cancer with all that money.
I also have a cure for TV fatigue and even better than pills, it’s free. It’s called TOS (the off switch). 🙂 🙂
Do you hate TV? Do you find yourself wanting to do odd things like talking to other people or reading a book? Then you might suffer from TOS. But there is hope. Ask your doctor today about Boobtubelexia. Turn on that TV and turn on your life again.
Ah, no we don’t have a TV at all, so watching one at a friend’s is a novelty. There seem to be more adverts that programmes but I confess that not much is of interest. We do talk though, read, play cards, dominoes or scrabble, and we have our fair share of social activity as well as walking the dog. But I suppose our life is a little different to most, living on a boat and all. 🙂
I want your life. Is it available in pill form?
Sadly no, but most of it is logged in my blog if you want a quick fix! 🙂
Will do. Is your blog available in pill form?
No again I’m afraid but happy reading if you get some time. 🙂
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Thank God for the mute button, although hubster doesn’t like to use it much. That’s when I’ll have to start taking your magical elixir. Great insight, Darladoolittle!
I can never keep up with all these commercials. I’m constantly hitting the mute button. It’s very tiring for me. I think I might be suffering from Jittery Thumb Syndrome.
Serious or deadly side effects! Oh, count me in. Plus, if it will bring on the lavender fields, double bonus. Darla, this is why I do not miss cable. I like the new blog look!
Thanks, Amy! I finally found a good blog theme that has giant font so I can actually read it now.
Ha! That’s part of my criteria, too!! Hey, we got to see what we’re doing, right?
It’s so sad. I have about four pairs of glasses now but still can’t see a blessed thing.
Shit, Darla! Without Rxlia there will be no more law suits and I will no longer have a job. Thanks a lot, pal.
Thanks a bunch, pal.
Thinking about getting a transvaginal mesh, your thoughts?
I think you should triple your Rxlia dose immediately.
I could grind it up and sprinkle it on my food, like Sensa!
A friend of mine is a major executive at a major pharma. Am I sending this link to him? Hell, yes, I am! Hope it brightens his day/philosophy/career.
Let me know if he decides to market Rxlia.
Oh my goodness, this made me laugh till snot ran out my nose, not a pretty sight and not a nice feeling either I might add
You’re … welcome?
I made the mistake of taking Rxlia and then going to see “Paul Blart Mall Cop IV”. Luckily I had the theater to myself so I could walk out without embarrassment.
Next time be sure to quadruple the dose. Of course, Rxlia can be toxic at such high levels. So, really you have to ask yourself: possible death or finding Kevin James funny?” I think we all know it’s worth the risk.
OMG! Too funny. My husband and I were just making bets with each other last night about how many drug commercials we would see before the end of the TV show and which would have the most horrible side effect!! I think they are worse during late night TV. Wonder why?
They really are worse at night. I have insomnia lately so it’s kind of a double whammy, I can’t sleep yet all that’s on TV are horrible reruns of King of Queens. There’s not enough Rxlia in the world.
As long as it doesn’t cause my wife and I to hold hands while sitting in his-and-hers bathtubs on a hillside, I think I can deal with any side effects.
The bathtub thing is so weird. I guess it’s supposed to be more romantic but it’s just creepy.
Alas! After 30 years of suffering and taking copious amounts of at-risk-of-death pharmaceuticals to beat my Rheumatoid Arthritis, your miracle drug arrives! Just in time! I can’t tell you how much I hate those women in lavender fields smiling and laughing and doing things no one else can! I need a prescription with 8,532 refills, please. Plus I love KFC!!!
I just wish one of these drugs really would transport me to a world where life is easy and I can stroll around holding a red balloon or playing fetch with my dog at the beach.
That would be nice. 🙂
I want to see a silver-haired lady riding through a field of lavender. It would be a nice change from what I’ve been seeing lately.
I want to be the silver-haired woman riding in lavender.
Took your advice. One problem. The weekly pill reminder box for one pill every three minutes is so big it’s taking up the entire living room!
Are you tired? Run-down? Listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular?
Darlaxo-Klein Pharmaceuticals has the answer to all your problems — Vitameatavegamin! 🙂
for a sec I thought that read “Do you poop at parties?”
gotta love Lucy!
I poop at parties. Is there a pill for that?
Personally, I can’t get enough drug commercials. They’re like the “Hotel California” of radio stations. I know I have enough time to fold laundry, walk the dog, and go to the bathroom before my show’s on again. Well, some could be longer…we need more side effects!
Ha! Rxlia. Superb post, Dar. I am reminded now why I stopped watching cable/satellite/bunny ears TV six years ago.