Okay, enough’s enough. I can’t take the news anymore. I’m just gonna come right out and say what we’ve all been thinking:
I don’t give a shit that Beyoncé is pregnant with twins.
Whew! Oh, god! I feel so much better now! The tension has left my body!
And man, if only I had a nickel for every time I announced my pregnancy wearing a diamond-encrusted G-string and a solid gold porcupine crown.
So this winter’s been particularly…uh…challenging for us Maineiacs. We’ve had about 25 Nor’eastahs in a span of one week. Roughly 5,000 inches of snow. But it’s the powdery fluffy kind, so it’s all good…
Three days ago, we sent Pa Ingalls out with a shovel and a pair of snowshoes to go fetch us some Dunkin Donut’s coffee and he never returned. The wimpy-ass bastard. All snow and no coffee makes Darla a dull girl. And super bitchy.
But like I said — the snow is plentiful. Great for skiers! Yeah! Hit the slopes! The skiing will be FANTASTIC. Hooray!
Fuck the skiers and fuck all your stupid snow.
Don’t you hate that? Seeing those people with the goofy grins plastered on their faces. All happy and jazzed about winter. Getting exercise. Enjoying life. It’s unnatural! Everyone knows you’re supposed to stay inside and chug Dunkin coffee while bitching about how rich everyone is at the Grammys.
This week we also had that annoying “made-up” holiday, Valentine’s Day. You know what other holidays are made-up? Pretty much all of them.
I’m sorry I’m hating on Beyoncé, skiing, and that guy in the top hat holding a pissed off giant rat. I blame the 12-foot wall of snow that has me trapped here on my couch. If only there were something else to get steamed about…something in the news on TV that really burned my britches enough so that I could jump on Facebook and shove my unsolicited opinion in everyone’s faces.
I got nuthin.
Meanwhile, tell me how your winter’s going so I can live vicariously through you.
She's A Maineiac 
lol you won’t live vicariously through me, my friend. I, too, am in Maine where we are getting another *&^(*&^&^)*&_()* foot of snow tonight. And where, pray tell, are we supposed to move that at 4 am so we can hit the road and be at work on time and cheerful? It’s freaking ridiculous to get the whole winter’s worth of snow in a week. I should have been a darned teacher.
This was my drive this morning….
OMG, that is funny. I can so relate..
They said we will get 12 to 14 inches of heavy wet snow tonight. And I actually just shrugged and said, “Eh.” See what this winter has done? It’s made me incapable of freaking out about a storm. I consider today’s storm a dusting.
lol – and it turns out that they were wrong, at least here, about the depth – we got about 6 inches, I would guess. Sadly it is heavy, but the sun is out and I like that – we will get a bit of melting. I can feel March approaching…
It’s going to be 70 degrees here in Boulder tomorrow. Shovel out, grab the fam, and jump on a plane!
All right, that’s it! Fire up the damned snowblower! I am off to the airport!
(thank god next week we will see balmy temps in the 40s…)
I feel you. Right about now (mid-February), winter in Maine seems endless. My check-liver light is probably going to come on any day now because chardonnay is my coping mechanism. Hubs and I are getting the hell out to spend a week or so in the California desert, however. But the only thing that’ll be drying out out there is my skin.
Ah, chardonnay! That’s the stuff! I’ll send Pa Ingalls out for another bottle if he ever comes back. Enjoy your Cali vaca! I can almost imagine myself there if I close my eyes and pass out from all this chardonnay….
Sorry Darla, can only offer you rain just now. (And I’m also sick of the Twins sagas of Beyonce and Mrs Clooney, and Cheryl ex Girls Aloud being/being not/is she/isn’t she/ bump alert/oh yes she is/ and the Kardashian Klan getting their visogs on the news yet again for nothing in particular apart from a big arse and big boobs.)
Ooh! I must have missed the Clooney thing. Is she pregnant with quintuplets? Is he pregnant with quintuplets? Isn’t George like 110 now? His wife will have to visit him in the nursing home after she drops the kids off at preschool.
So agree with you about Beyonce. So happy Adele cleaned up at Grammy’s though I had to wait to hear about it until the next day as I do not watch award shows.
Am so sick of Beyonce. Up to here.
We have not had a lot of snow in southwestern Ontario so I cannot complain about that–though I can complain about paying ahead of time for snow removal and there is no snow to remove–alas, I bet you wish you could complain about that. Love you, Love your grumpiness.
I suppose I like Beyonce and all, but her ego is blowing up almost as big as Kim Kardashian’s. I can only handle one super rich and clueless celeb at a time.
And I’m happy that you enjoyed my grumpiness. I don’t drop the F-bomb often, but this winter has really pushed me over the edge.
We lucked out here in PA this year but I feel ya. Last year we got 3 feet from one storm. Snow gods must’ve been bored. But this year, not much at all. And I’m glad because I hate cabin fever!
I had cabin fever last week after the first two storms, now it’s more like Cabin Incurable Disease.
I can’t imagine….saw on the news this morning some parts of Maine got 6 feet of snow. wtf? That is insane.
It is crazy! Mother Nature is ticked off.
Add some whiskey to that Dunkin’ Darla. We have lucked out here in NoVA, but I’m sure it will snow in the next few days. My snowblower (aka husband) is going away.
Is it bad that I’m drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle while I’m typing this comment?
I was the snowblower the last storm (20 inches of snow). My husband goes to work super early in the morning so I was out there for over an hour shoveling and snowblowing like mad. My poor back is shot to hell.
I’m pretty sure there is a requirement with this much snow to drink whiskey straight from the bottle. You might want to bathe in it for that back, too.
We are experiencing a February thaw at the moment in Minnesota. I’d feel comfortable with a little more snow – at least then it wouldn’t feel like we were Iowa’s attic.
Minnesota? You guys deserve all the thaws you can get!
All y’all need to do is come on down to Texas where the days are too warm for February. Last week we were in the 80s. I’d love to have a dusting of snow about a foot deep.
Nobody is happy with their climate. Is dissatisfaction a natural part of the human condition? Seems it is.
I would be happy if I were allowed to go out in the heat, but I break out and my meds cause heat stroke. I used to always go fishing, can’t do that anymore. *sigh*
I wonder if there actually is a magical place where people are completely satisfied with the climate — probably Oprah’s mansion off the coast of Hawaii. But then, volcanoes.
Visiting Hawaii is nice but I discovered during my tenure with the Coast Guard that living there is another matter. It is said that the island shrinks every day. If YOU think YOU’RE isolated, etc.
Really? Get outta here! I had a friend who was in the Navy and lived there and he said it was off the charts expensive, too.
It is terribly expensive. See how lucky you (we) are?
I’ll FedEx you some. 🙂
LOL
No worries that you can’t get out of your driveway, Darla. The drones are coming…and they deliver whiskey.
Hallelujah! Screw Pa and his stupid snowshoes!
Thank you so much for the laugh. You are a laugh master of my favorite kind. I’ll take some Dunks right about now. Make mine tea, with a glazed kruller.
Well, if you don’t laugh, you’ll strip down naked and run screaming through the snowbanks.
Look at the bright side… Errrmmm… Aaahhh… Okay. Can I get back to you on that bright side thing?
You should get a knock on your door any moment now. It’ll be the Beyoncé Thought Police and they have snow shoes. There’s an algorithm that will lead them to your blog.
The bright side is that Maine doesn’t have tarantulas, scorpions, alligators, and other fun creatures who can’t handle shoveling snow l.
Y’know, I never thought about Maine’s lack of tarantulas before. Thanks, X! I feel much better now.
The bright side is my kids are hella happy….until they have to go to school on July 4th.
I don’t know what to say that gold weirdo makes you wonder why, and the groundhog sorry what is with that, just saying
I fell asleep during the Grammys several times. The first time I woke up, Adele was swearing and restarting her song. So I went back to sleep. The second time I woke up I saw a freaky gold man and thought I should lay off the sleep meds.
I got nothing about the snow, we haven’t had a winter here! The flowers are still blooming! Thank God someone said it, Beyonce…go away.
When I heard Beyonce was pregnant with twins I thought, well of COURSE she is! Double the hype!
🙂 gag.
Thank you for not shoving your unsolicited opinion in my face. But also thank you for shoving this post in my face – me likey.
Me likey that you likey. Feels good to just let all that pent-up anger about Beyonce out into the open.
We’re supposed to hit 62 today. 62! In February! I’m not complaining,…well, I guess I am. I’m thrilled and all, but it’s not natural for Illinois. Looks like Maine is hoarding all the snow (and resulting snow-days, as Tar so eloquently complained below.)
Enjoy the warm air, Peggles! Get out and walk on your lunch break (just remember to go back to work…)
We need a big snowstorm nowsabout in Michigan. I’m ready for a snow day. Not 7, but maybe one, or a 2-HR delay. Just something! Yet again, we’re already going midway into June so, … delayed gratification or now? Hang in there, Ms. Darlasnowsquallinski!
All the teachers are looking forward to next week’s vacation, but at this rate, they’ll be teaching on weekends or into July.
Enjoyed this immensely! Our forecast is nowhere near Gray, Maine other than same continent (many say), but Gray is our official issuer of worse news. If the local forecast says 3-5″ every couple of days, now, Gray says, “Bend over and kiss your sorry ass goodbye — there are 12-14″ more coming after that. Stay calm but stay in and pretend to be a pothos.” Also, Queen Bey? Oy.. CeeLo is pregnant, too, right? Triplets? Gold people drive me nuts!
A weatherman on channel six actually put on his snowfall map something like, “CRUSH ZONE” for my region. yeah, my soul is crushed, the winter is slowly killing me. Thank god next week we’ll be sunny and warm (40s!)
LOL! Us, too, I think.. though I’ll believe it when I see it! Anything but “highs in the low teens” has become magical. Ugh.
Winter, snow……….Phooey!!! A rat’s ass wonderland! Love it…. love freezing my ass off! Need… more…. coffee….
Or a flamethrower to clean up my front yard.
My winter has been painless in Ohio, but I’m headed to Vermont in 2 weeks and now I’m wondering if I’m crazy…
hmm…maybe…but you can always just stay inside the hotel next to a fireplace and sip wine! Vermont is one of my favorite places to visit.
*chuckle* Actually, I was LOLing. You’re hilarious, Darla! Thanks for the laughs. Sorry you’re snowed in. I have an almost complete manuscript of a novel about magic and fairies I could send you… You’d be asleep in no time! 😉
Here’s to the warmth of summer,
C
No doubt in a few months I can switch gears and start bitchin’ about the heat. Something to look forward to.
Exactly! lol
Thanks for the laugh, Dar. I think we just have sent our winter up there. Still in flip-flops and shorts here (not complainin’) which means the mosquitoes will be three feet tall and HUNGRY come summer. Cheers, Lady!
You are very welcome, Shan. 🙂
enjoy those skeeters!
I live in south Florida and it’s going to be 75 here today, but I’ll just keep that to myself. I’m cranky in good weather. I have no idea how I’d deal with what you’re going through. I didn’t watch the Grammy’s, never do, and I’m ambivalent about Bey’s twins. I’m totally with you on that one.
Yeah, I haven’t gotten into the Grammy’s much since all the good music died years ago.
7 snow days is pretty awesome. I wish we could get one here in Chicago.
It’s awesome for my dear hellions, for mom who works from home, not so much. But at least when there’s no school, I don’t have to leave the house to drive them in the snow.
I just can’t “stomache” Queen Be. I am also greatfull for your having the decency to say Fuck Her.
But besides all of that nonesense bullshit. It is really fucking cold here right now. The got dang heat is running. ( hate that ) and I have sweats and long sleeves.
Currently 43 degrees fahrenheit . That is fuckin cold for this part of central Florida. I hope you can appreciate that. Have a little compassion or empathy. Ya know man ?
It’s cool though temps ‘ll be back up in the fuckin 80’s in a day er two.
Thank you for sharing that post though. Love the pics of snow . I air originally from Vermont. The Green Mountain State .
14th state in the union. I used to be used to snow. LoL ❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄⛄❄
I wish I could swap with you. We have such icy weather here in ‘sunny’ England. It’s perpetual grey cloud and no cheer. Snow brings cheer, no matter there is no sun 🙂
I’ve always wanted to visit England, so let’s switch. I’ll drink some tea to pass the time watching the cloudy skies…
Hahaha, let’s!
Fuck the snow. Fuck Beyoncé. I missed you and I’m glad to be back.
Well, fuckity fuck-fuck! So good to see you again! 🙂
Twins, twins, everywhere and my uterus is all dried up! I will never get the chance to wear gold sparkles and a sparkly bikini to announce my ability to reproduce… alas. As for winter, this has been a weird ass winter here!! No kids at home, so what’s a snow day? But we’ve had a lot of them, when normally, we have no snow all winter, except in the mountains. I’m sure it’s #45’s fault. Except, it’s fun snow… so no, it must be Obama. Fun. Obama. Your snow is #45’s fault… 😉
I like the way you think, Dawn. 🙂
The feeling is very mutual, Darla. xo
39 degrees C here in Australia last weekend, with over 80 bushfires burning too… am not sure which scenario is worse! 🙂
Yikes! That is crazy. As much as I complain about the snow, I’d take that over most other weather like tornadoes, hurricanes, fires, etc. It can be pretty to watch snow fall from the comfort of your home. As long as I don’t have to go out in the stuff, I’m good.
Well cant complain about snow here in NYC – not yet anyway.
we had a little but not much to talk about…but March isn’t here yet. Meantime 70 degree weather is delightful….I am not a snow person…
Yeah, the older I get, the less of a snow person I am.
I would suggest leaving Maine once and for all but you’d have to change your blog name. Not worth it.
This is my first year living somewhere with a mild winter in 30 years. This is also the first time I didn’t gain 5 pounds during the winter. I actually lost weight. My entire adult life has followed the pattern of gaining 5 pounds during those long winters of no physical activity mixed with the existentially-calming influence of beer, and then spending the rest of the year working to lose 3 of those 5 pounds.
At my age, I gain 5 pounds just thinking about having a beer. So I don’t fight it, I just remain fat, warm and happy all winter long like the good hibernating bear I am.
Hysterical! Love your blog. Winter has been OK here in New York, but I gave up wine for Lent so it may start getting difficult soon.
Throw grapes at me, go ahead. Now…here’s my winter…one brief snow of about six inches, and then pretty much sunny and seventy-ish. Okay, some days sixty, one or two kinda cold days. Come south Darla, until summer, and then you’ll go running back to Maine. Haha. One word…humidity.