Mr. Skittles Needs Your Help

Over at Paul’s hilarious blog, The Good Greatsby, he is currently running his caption contest. Let’s be clear, this contest is the one and only thing I have to live for (well, there’s the kids…and my husband, I suppose…and chocolate) but other than those things, it’s my one goal in life to win this contest.

Peg, from the equally hilarious blog, Ramblings, has not only asked her own readers, but blatantly challenged you, my dear and loyal reader(s) to do the unthinkable: Vote for her. (I almost can’t even bring myself to type those blasphemous words, so I had to dictate to Mr. Skittles.)   If you don’t know what I’m referring to, it’s all in the world’s longest post hijack under my heartwarming and soul-stirring post, Always Remember this Thing Called Love (click, then scroll way up the page a bit). I know, truly makes me and Mr. Skittles despondent beyond belief.

So please, find it in your heart, reach down deep inside your soul, click on that mouse and go over to the caption contest and vote for me. No, wait. Don’t vote for me– vote for pet monkeys everywhere who have had to suffer the cruel fate of living in the bowels of a  basement eating bologna sandwiches with the spiders– penniless and Pringle-less.

Sad Monkey

Thank you for your time.

Okay, Peg. I’m gonna call a truce here. (your comment about the apple not even being brown killed me, still giggling at that one) You are funnier, dammit. It’s true. (weeping into Mr. Skittles soft fur)

(I step up to the podium, cameras snapping. Hair perfectly coiffed into a semi-Snooki poof. I lean into the microphones and break into my best Tiny Fey doing her best Sarah Palin voice):

I would like to thank all of my loyal voters, who have stood by me and who have had unshakable faith in me during these trying caption contest times. The lamestream media has spread countless lies about me and Mr. Skittles. It’s time we put an end to all of these vicious attacks on the America I’ve grown to know and love from way up here in Maine, which is still the U.S. of A. but maybe we’re just a wee bit too far away for you all to remember that we’re there, but we’re there alright–shootin’ and huntin’ and fishin’ with Mr. Skittles by our side. But I regret to inform you all, that I wasn’t even in the running in the first place. I was kidding. Yep, it’s true. You betcha. Now if you will all kindly turn your attention to the table in the back where I have stacks of my glorious new memoir: Mr. Skittles and I: Of Monkeys and Mavericks. I thank you.

53 thoughts on “Mr. Skittles Needs Your Help

  1. I dunno…I think you got stiff competition there…Pegoleg was quick to post her appeal to voters today. But you’ve got that monkey to think about. All she has is maybe a coupla missing arms and a stale case of polio. Hm. Who do I feel sorrier for at this time?

    Tell ya what…send me the Monkey, and you can have my vote. Afterall, your constituency oughta get something out of this, no?

    1. Done. He wasn’t too thrilled when I placed him in the box. Then he busted out the sad eyes, but I gave him a hug and a lollipop, and poked some holes in the top of the box, so he should be good for the long journey ahead. UPS just picked him up an hour ago. Wait, where do you live again?

  2. Seriously? I’m not on the list of things that make life worth living? *sigh* You’ve left me for GG. It’s the “Smoking Jacket Effect” isn’t it?

    No worries. I’ve voted for you – several times. I hope I get mentioned in the acceptance speech.

    1. Oh, no–you’re on that list! Right above Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls. See? You are more important to me than balls! 😀

      We can vote several times?! Mr Skittles has a long night ahead of him, I’m afraid.

  3. Now wait just a gosh-darned minute here, Missy! Posting an adorable picture of the world’s cutest monkey is hitting way below the belt. Have you no scruples????

    1. No.
      Well, maybe some. But only when I need them. This is clearly not one of those times.

      Hey, at least I didn’t dress him up in a tacky god-awful baby blue bridesmaid dress! Although he would look awfully darned cute…hmm….And which, by the way, was the exact same dress I wore to the prom…only I wasn’t invited to it so I had to spend the entire night all dressed up, crying into my spider-infested bologna sandwich.

  4. John Erickson

    But I thought the spiders were defending you from Mr.Skittles – or was it Mr. Skittles was defending you from baloney-wielding spiders? And just where do the mutant goats come in? Blackjack wants to know!
    Consider yourself voted.

    1. Good question. Mr. Skittles’ emotions turn on a dime. Hard to tell with him, behind those innocent eyes lurks a not-so-innocent monkey soul. As long as I keep feeding him Pringles, he’s happy. Thanks for the vote, John! 😀

  5. Mary the OINKteller

    Great caption! I voted for you and as of right now, you are in the lead. (Great Palin reference – although you have too many complete/grammatically correct sentences to make it believable. 😉 Oops! My political pants are showing!)

  6. Wait a minute. I’ve been offline all morning, taking care of real business that may pay some of my bills (which is kinda tough as a formerly-armless polio survivor of the iron lung).
    What does it all mean? I don’t need your pity! Besides, it seems that you might be winning (although I don’t have any idea how to check that without voting again which, even if I COULD do, I wouldn’t, because that would just be cheesy.)

    Can I have a signed copy of your book?

    1. I never knew you could check the results for the longest time. Then a few weeks ago I figured it out, checked it and I was in dead last with only about 8% of the vote, so I don’t like to check much now.It’s all too much pressure.

      By the way, I have to thank you for giving me so many laughs all this week with your post and your comments! You rock, armless-polio-stricken-may-or-may-not-be-living-in-an-iron-lung woman! 😀

      And you’ve got it–a signed copy will be 19.95 plus shipping and handling (I have to put Mr. Skittles to work somehow…)

  7. Deborah the Closet Monster

    Well, shit.

    That was a tough call.

    How was I supposed to choose between two of my favorite bloggessessesses? And their awesome captions?

    I did vote. But, like Buffy, “I’ll never tell” (how)!

    ♥ to you both, though 😉

    1. Peg is awesome, isn’t she? She had me laughing so hard, I was crying. I soooo needed that this week. Good to have a bit of fun with the caption thing.

      I have never ever watched Buffy before (gasp, I know!) So many people rave about it, I have to check it out one day.

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  9. Just coming back to gloat, er, I mean say congratulations on a hard-won battle. Don’t worry. You’ll have the chance to add to your 153-times-a-champion record real soon, I don’t doubt.

    Oh, and if you notice that Mr. Skittles isn’t around, don’t worry – he’s safe. He just showed up at my back door. Of course, my Monkey Talk is a bit rusty, but I think he said something about not living with a loser…

    This was fun!

    1. I knew it! I was wondering what was up when I walked in the night before and caught him on the caption contest page. He tried to make it look like he wasn’t voting for you, but I get it now. I could see that evil gleam in his eye. Oh, the sneaky bastard.

      Okay, I think that’s all the fake contempt I can stir up today. Ha ha! This HAS been loads of fun. I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard while blogging/commenting…ever! Thanks for playing along, too, Peg. Have a lovely week!

    2. Peg, I forgot to add that I’ve only won this contest twice. And one of those times, I think it was only a vivid dream. So we’re even now. 🙂 As for being Freshly Pressed though…you are waaaaay ahead of me there, Peg! Looks like I’ll have to bust out my snazziest lime-green bridesmaid dress, put on a sad face and start hanging around the FP offices? (well, at least until they call security)

  10. I felt compelled to find out who this Mr. Skittles is.

    You are officially hilaaaaarious. Okay, that’s probably already been certified by others. But I consider myself the official certifier and you are now officially certified for official purposes. Grade A Funny.

    1. Well now, if you are the Official Certifier of Hilarity than I proudly accept. And send my official certification right back ‘atcha.

      (and I knew all this talk about a strange monkey would lure you right in…I got the idea of a Pringle-loving monkey from the Good Greatsby’s blog post about a zoo in China. You can’t make this stuff up.)

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