Lenore, over at Lenore Diane’s Thoughts Exactly has tagged me. She snuck up behind me, hit me pretty hard and then ran off giggling before I had a chance to tag her back with my lightning-quick reflexes. So now I am IT. I do want to thank her for not tagging me, then driving my head into the ground and sitting on my back while putting me in a headlock and giving me the world’s longest noogie like my brothers used to do during their version of Tag. But this is good because I have nothing to write about and this will help move things along. With this game of tag, she’s asked me the following questions. After I answert them, I’m supposed to come up with questions of my own, then tag other victims but I’m fresh out of coherent thoughts at the moment. You are very welcome.
1.What is your favorite color, and what do you think it would taste like?
Lavender. I would think it tastes like the moment you lick that bar of soap in your Grandma’s bathroom on a dare from your older brother. Tangy, scary…yet strangely soothing.
2.Do you sleep on your left side, right side, back or stomach?
Left side. Always left. Good for the heart, helps prevent stroke. Also helps prevent me from hearing my husband’s incessant freight-train-meets-a-dying-water-buffalo-while-a-jumbo-jet-soars-overhead snoring.
3.Do you floss your teeth?
I only floss the ones I want to keep.
So, no, I never floss.
4.Do you close the lid before flushing the toilet?
Always. I once read that even with the lid shut, germs are sprayed up to 10 feet in all directions. I’ve lost sleep thinking about this fact.
5.How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
Is this a trick question? Are you a secret dentist?
6.How many times have you brushed your hair today? If you are follicle-challenged, how many times have you rubbed your bald head?
Well, as you can see by my picture, I like to refer to myself as Forehead Challenged. It’s pretty high. I think I read somewhere that has something to do with high intelligence but I really couldn’t figure out what the article was trying to say. I rub my forehead a dozen, maybe a million times a day. Usually when I’m listening to my kids argue. I brush my hair once a day. I’m lucky I brush it that many times.
7.Do your feet smell? (Go ahead and check, we’ll wait.)
Yes, they do. Like lavender, coincidentally enough.
Are you a secret podiatrist?
8.Do you have any Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in your freezer? May I have it?
No. But I do have a bag of frozen peas that’s been hiding in there since the Clinton administration. You’re more than welcome to it.
9.If you notice food stuck between someone’s teeth – do you make an effort to tell him/her? If not, why are you so cruel?
I would always tell. I am from Maine, where tact goes to die (along with manners, fashion, etc). People here don’t mince words. We’d think nothing of telling someone their shit stinks. By the way, Lenore, during this entire interview you’ve had this giant chunk of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food between your teeth. It’s quite distracting.
10.What feature do you most like about me?
That you never shower.
okay, sorry…
I’m being serious now…
………
………
That you never shower.
I know, I know. Sorry. Now I will really be serious…
You are a genuinely kind, sweet and sincere person and I just know we’d get along famously if you ever come up this way.
11.Don’t you think I should be discovered, while I sit doing nothing, and become famous for my writing?
Absolutely. We all should. Still waiting for WordPress to pay us for all the time us bloggers sit and toil each day to come up with lines like, “I broke my ass” and other gems such as, “Me likey chocolate.”
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Behind that card is a silver flask with his name on it
Recently in the news, you may have heard Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak, admitted he was sloshed more than a few times during a taping of the show. Then another story broke soon after that actor Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter fame (never heard of it) admitted that he also showed up to work half in the bag during filming.
Well, the Maineiac has a little secret to tell the world: I am drunk right now. Always have been. Always am. Helps with the creative process.
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I’ll close with yet another ‘cute kiddo comment’ story:
I was sitting on the couch, watching Downton Abbey (thank you very much Angie) and getting very confused trying to make out the words those lovely English folks were sputtering (I had to dig out my Mainah-to-English dictionary more than a few times) when my five year old daughter plunked down next to me.
She sighed loudly. She put her legs up on my lap and sighed again. Ten minutes went by and I continued being sucked into the servant world of PBS’s Downton Abbey. Finally, she put her arms behind her head and asked, “Mom? What are we doing here?” I paused the TV and turned to her.
“What are we doing here?” I repeated.
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s a very good question. Some people think that we’re here to learn new lessons. Others think we’re here to love one another. And I especially think we are here on this planet to help one another in any way we can. So to love, learn and help. I think that’s why we’re here.”
At this point her eyes were bugging out of her head.
She sat straight up and yelled, “No! I mean ‘what are we doing here?’! Are we gonna watch Caillou or what? I’m waiting!”
She's A Maineiac 
Hahahahahahahaha! So many laugh out loud moments with this here gem of a post, Darla. You are a friggin’ loon. Oh wait – no that’s a blogger. You are a friggin’ hoot!! You are, you are, you are. You slay me. Killed me dead with laughter. (Or maybe it was the nauseating lavender scent of your feet.)
A friggin’ loon?! That has got to be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 😀
I’m so with you, Lenore. This post made me laugh out loud on numerous occasions and at one point my daughter asked “What are we doing here?,” and I said, “Oh, I suppose you want me to put Downton Abbey on again for you?” (She’s a very smart, precocious 4-year-old.) And then I fought her tooth and nail for the remote so I could finish my Looney Tunes marathon.
Seriously, painfully funny post. And, yes, I do think you should be making money off “I broke my ass” and “Me likey chocolate.” However, this post has convinced me that you were perhaps meant to work in questionnaire formats. It’s your true medium. So write more of these. Perhaps an interview with 1979-Darla in the way of my interview with 1979-Angie?
LOVED this! (Sorry I’m all over the place with this comment, but I happen to be sloshed.)
Oh, really? I never pegged you for the sloshed type. Tanked, yes.
Yes, I really should write a little interview between myself and….uh….myself (stole that from Austin Powers) That is a great idea.
Hey! No fair having all this fun and exchanging witty bon mots while I am basically incommunicado down in Florida visiting my parents. They don’t have the internet so I can only get it if I sneak down to the senior center recroom. I zam typing this on my new tablet with the virtual keyboard, not a REAL one, and I’m too old to learn how to use this, even though I’m the youngest person around here.
OK, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Darla, you one funny b****ch!
A funny b****? Now THAT is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh, Pegolicious! I am relieved you stopped by, I was starting to really miss you and your zingers. So this senior rec room…do they serve alcohol? Is there bingo to be had? Or at the very least, is there a pool table? You could really get jiggy wid it if they had some kind of entertainment.
I am going to be purchasing one of those new-fangled magic tablets myself this weekend. Torn over whether I should get an iPad, if all the hype is for a reason or should I just buy a cheapie Kindle Fire. Any input you have would be greatly appreciated (if you can manage to figure out your tablet enough to type out a response)
Now I’m in the airport waiting to comeback to the frigid north. The sun is shining in through the tall windows – for the first time all week. The storm clouds broke up right as I got in the car.
I got a Lenovo Think pad tablet. Same cost as the I pad, but it has full size and micro USB ports, HDMIand SD ports. I think with the I pad the only way to load and unload data is download from internet or email attachment, so that’s why I picked this. But the typing is slow, so I ordered a separate keyboard-dock that arrived the day after I left. I like it, but no documentation so I can’t figure out how to do most of the fun stuff!
How warm was it down there in Sunny Florida? I’m thinking a tad bit more than up here where it hit a balmy one degree this morning as I walked to my car and my eyeballs froze within seconds.
Happy to see you’ve survived vacation intact though.
We (well, my husband) bought an Acer transformer tablet which sounds too much like an old Nintendo game to me. But so far we love it. After about 30 minutes, I figured out how to turn it on and now it’s smooth sailing. I couldn’t get the hang of typing on there either (had to resort to the ol’ hunt-n-peck) so we splurged and bought a nifty little keyboard. Now I just need to find a cool ‘writing blog posts’ app so I won’t ever have to come up with another post on my own again. Any you recommend?
Oh, and good to see you kickin’ around these parts again, Pegoleg. Seems like you’ve been gone forever. One week is forever in blog years.
Nothing like explaining the meaning of life to a five-year old and getting booted in the ass for it. Caillou is way more important than loving, learning, and helping will ever be. Too sweet! 🙂
Dana, I still hold out hope that Caillou will tell me the secret to life. Or why he’s bald. Either mystery will do.
I knew there was an as-yet-unidentified reason why I love reading your blog (besides the excellent writing). I’m a left-side sleeper too! Plus I’m left-handed, which makes it all the more easy to grab a sip of water from the bedside table when I’m thrashing and cursing because I can’t sleep. =)
Stacie, only the best of us are left-handed – we’re the 9%ers of the world. The other 91% think they’re “right,” but they aren’t! 🙂
I hate to inform both of you that right-handed people rule the world (or at least notebooks and scissors)
This post was truly hilarious…oh…and I’m secretly a dentist who loves frozen peas, and I’m off to find some B & J’s. (No, really.) 😉
Oh, ya, and Caillou’s baldness as a child IS the secret to life. Less is more. 😉 Okay, all done!
I think Caillou holds the key to so many secrets in life. If anyone can tell me why he’s bald, I can die a happy woman. Even Charlie Brown and Homer Simpson have a few straggly hairs…
Great, D-Woww, now I know I for sure have the mind of a five-year old. I totally understood what your daughter meant! 🙂
See – I can’t even type the sentence correctly! hehehe
MJ, have I ever told you that I love that you call me D-Woww. I’m thinking of making everyone in my real life call me that now.
I am proud to say I have the mind of a five year old as well and probably should have picked up on what her question originally meant…but I had just finished discussing with my 9 year old son that when you die, you don’t float around the clouds indefinitely, then crash into the clouds and die again over and over. So I was expecting yet another deep question from my daughter.
You know what?…I’m still so hung up there on #2 I cannot get down! Little help here….911 would be fine, thanks.
Fantastic and post drunk all you want…very entertaining…*leagues* better than Pat Sajak.
~d.
Your entire comment ranks right up there as one of my all-time favorites. I told you that you are a great writer (and fabulous photographer!)
I have never posted drunk before. Tipsy? maybe. While making comments on other’s blogs? possibly. But to be honest, I rarely drink alcohol. Not that I don’t think about it.
Hi,
Great responses to the questions, I’m sure I will wear this smile all day. 🙂
I just love the well thought out words of wisdom you had for your daughter, but I loved your daughters response more. 😆
She is a firecracker, Mags. I have no idea where she gets it from.
Darla, I got tagged in a thing like this. But your answers are way better. (I put my answers on my Facebook page.) The Pat Sajak info was excellent. I hadn’t heard he was lush. Good to know. It explains a lot. Maybe. 😉
Renee, it might explain how the man managed to tape a billion shows over a million years and never once wanted to reach out and punch a contestant for not guessing a puzzle correctly that had all but one letter missing. Also explains the railing around the wheel. He had to stabilize himself somehow.
Darla, I want to rub your forehead for luck. Maybe next time I’m in Maine.
Ha! OK, I just spit out my tea again. Yes, I drink oodles of oolong. Helps hydrate the skin on my forehead and keeps it soft and supple for rubbing. (I can’t believe the sentences I end up typing out on my blog sometimes….)
But yeah. Next time you’re in Maine.
ROTFLMAO!!! All so funny I just busted my gut. For real. I make soaps and love to give ones to my local nieces that are scented (and may look) like watermelon and bananarama (ignore the sentence structure). They have been known to take a lick of the bar because they smell so good. For real. And the older one just turned 8.
I love that I made you bust a gut. I could understand eating soap that looked like a fruit or a bad 80s all-girls band from England. But the soap I tasted didn’t look remotely like either and I still did it– just to freak my brothers out (and myself) Actually, I take that back, I never really did that, it was all made up for comedic purposes….or was it?
Too funny!
Which part, the soap-licking, the forehead-rubbing or the drunk-blogging?
I’m seriously disturbed about this toilet spraying thing.
You would think it would defy the laws of physics or at least the laws of the toilet.
I had the toilet lid conversation with friends last week, how appropriate. They weren’t pleased to learn about it since their toothbrush is kept on the sink next to the loo.
I heard Downton Abbey was popular over there, it’s absolutely true to life though. My house is bigger though
Yeah, see Joe, I keep our toothbrushes sealed up in a ziploc bag, then put it inside a little safe deposit box then place that inside the medicine cabinet for extra measure.
So Downton Abbey isn’t popular over there? And can I move in with you? We’ll be happy with just the guest quarters. or chambers or whatever it is the people of England call a room. (where’s that damn dictionary when you need it…)
It’s huge over here, but I have a policy of not watching period dramas on Sunday evenings, it harks back to school days when all that was on were antiques programmes and period dramas and I relate that to the Sunday dread of going to school the next day.
In all honsty my whole house woudl fit into one of their bathrooms, I’d have to put a protective sheet over the whole house to stop the spray from the toilet flush
I could see why you get the Sunday dread. It’s like that with me for Price is Right or the Young and the Restless. Those shows would be on TV whenever I was home sick from school. To this day the thought of flat ginger ale, saltine crackers and Bob Barker gives me the shivers.
I turn on Downtown Abbey because the sets and costumes are so attractive, but I’ve yet to actually pay attention to the plot. Thanks to this post – I never will. I will forever associate DA with a 10 foot geiser of toilet water spraying all over my washcloth and toothbrush and hair brushes and makeup – all ‘toiletries’ which I keep near the toilet because ‘toiletries’ sounds like ‘toilet’ and, up until now, that made a kind of simple, elegant sense to me. No more.
Very whimsical, funny post, Darla. Gee…I’m starting to think you’re good at this…
Now when you say you are starting to think I’m good at this, do you mean I am good at ruining DA with some toilet bowl splashing? Or was it the forehead rubbing? I need to know these things so I can bring them up again in a future post.
aaah, you forgot to translate ‘deep sigh’ into its true meaning of ‘why are we doing what you want to do , when we could be doing what I want to do?’ 😛
Great and hilarious post!
Lexy, I have a feeling that once my daughter hits her tween years, there will be no confusion on my part whether she’s being flippant or not.
1.) I’m going to lose sleep over that toilet fact now, too.
2.) I’m definitely drunk right now (I’ve got to read that D-Rad article! I knew I liked him)
3.) No, seriously. Why ARE we here?
4.) Hilarious.
1) Not sure if it’s a fact so much as I made it up a little. (I don’t know how many feet exactly but I did read it in one of those ‘woman’ mags so it must be true)
2) Did reading my blog drive you to drink? If so, I envy you. I can’t drink anymore now that I’m old and have kids and get a hangover off of half a beer.
3) Good question. No clue.
4) Thank you!
I have no words.
Except you’re awesome.
Kim, those are the only words I ever need to read.
I clicked off of childhoodrelived because Angie tempted me with her comment. I, like all the others before me, had a tremendously lively time reading your post, even though I know that its humor was meant to be “between girlfriends.” I’m unashamed to have eavesdropped. I’d clink your cocktail glass, but it might sound funky against my can of cheap Tecate. Cheers anyway. And I’ll be back to get another good laugh later.
OK…now I’m really laughing because I just discovered you’re “German clock” girl. Thanks for the snort. I’ll get back to my screaming, hungry kids now.
Shannon, I was actually referring to her post earlier this week: https://miraclemama.wordpress.com/2012/02/06/what-a-woman-really-wants/
But this one is damn funny, too. Darla does not disappoint so I hope you’ll stop by here again soon. She’s your kind of people 😉 (Assuming your people are my people.)
Thanks, Angie! 😀 That’s right, this here post is somethign I rattled off while sitting on the toilet in my Forever Lazy fleece snuggie sleeping.
(psst…Angie, between this and your glowing support of me over at GG’s, I owe you big time. Just get me up in the WordPress Recommended Blogs and I’ll pay you actual money)
I meant to reply to this post, but danggit, I still haven’t figured out this blogging commenting thing! Yeah, Angie, you’re right on with your people and my people. I lack the clever comedic skills required to blog about something truly entertaining, so alas, it’s dirt and kids that I do best, so that’s what you’ll get from me. I promise not to let you down.
PS–I sleep with my Snuggie, on top of the covers if it’s warm inside (70-80), wrapped around my body enchilada style when it’s colder. I have to wash it regularly or it gets ripe. My kids constantly steal it because it’s doubles for forts.
Hmm…Shannon, i can see my kids stealing my snuggie for forts. If I had one, I am still waiting for my husband to buy me one, preferably hot pink camouflage so no one can see me sitting on the couch watching my shows.
Welcome, Shannon! Cheers! (holding up a mug of lukewarm tea) What is this Tecate you speak (write) of? Sounds interesting….
So excited to see one of Angie’s fans make their way ovah he-yah (sorry, that Maine accent slips in occasionally, don’t be alarmed) Yes, I am in fact The Legendary German Clock Girl. I promise I don’t wear striped tights and funky tablecloths/curtains as skirts much anymore. Hope you stick around.
I’m thinking I might just tell people I’m always drunk. I never am, but it sure would make my ill-behaving a little more acceptable. Crazy drunk is almost entertaining. Crazy and sober? That’s just whack.
See, this is why I tell people I’m drunk all the time, otherwise I have no excuse.
Well, Darla, as my momma always says, “Might as well be drunk as they way we are.” For some of us, there’s no discernible difference. Frankly, if I were doing Sajak’s job, I’d have to be drunk 24/7. Vanna is just too much on a sober stomach.
Your daughter is as brilliant as you are. Watch out. However, no one gets between me and Downton Abbey, not even a cute kid.
Hilarious post, as usual, supremely excellent wit and writing!
I feel the same way, Vanna is enough to want to knock back a few drinks now and then. I can imagine playing a glorified game of hangman every day, all day long for 30 odd years would get to anyone eventually.
I just saw your press release, big congrats to you, Jean. You have an incredible talent!
Funny, funny stuff. Have to go brush my teeth now…
Just make sure to keep your toothbrush in another room after you’re done with it.
you are such a funny person. i love your posts. but really, i could have done without knowing about the toilet thing… it’s haunted me all weekend.
As well it should!
I’ve been meaning to tell you thanks for always being so positive in your comments, some days I wonder if I should’ve posted or if anyone will ‘get’ where I’m comin’ from, y’know? Good to know someone laughs at my posts.
Glad to have found you (thanks, Angie). I am short on free time these days with volunteer work and the spring marathon that precedes gardening, but stumbling upon your blogs is a real treaty-treat for me. I will most definitely be coming back.
Tecate is cheap Mexican beer, in-the-can because it’s better recyclable packaging than glass, and warm because I have zero fridge real estate. It’s pretty uniquely Texan (given our love for all things cheap and Mexican). Just like Tequila, it’s best drunk with a little salt and lime.
I will have to drop by your blog again–what do you do for volunteer work? and a marathon? as in running?! Well kudos to you for BOTH.
As for gardening, I cannot wait for warm weather here. I used to have giant gardens back when I was in high school (my dad was an avid gardener then) It was so therapeutic to sit in the dirt and toil away for hours. I miss it. I had a little tiny garden last year (tomatoes and cukes and peppers…the basics) and my kids are starting to get into it as well so I plan on making a bigger one this year, can’t wait!