[It’s early morning. I’m folding a mountain of laundry. A bolt of lightning cracks overhead and a blinding light fills the room. I drop my husband’s underwear to the floor, shield my eyes and squint at the ceiling.]
Me: What the…?
God: [voice booms] IT IS I!
Me: God? Is that You?
God: [yells] YES! OF COURSE IT’S ME! [mutters] Didn’t I just say that?
Me: Wow, oh wow! You finally show up! I have so much to ask you! Let’s start with the wars and the poverty and the sick and the dying and the pain and the suffering and the–
God: I know, right?
Me: So will humans ever learn to choose love over fear, compassion over hate?
God: Tsk-tsk. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. That shirt doesn’t go with those pants, dear child.
Me: Huh?
God: And your makeup! Please! The color is all wrong! [sighs] Atrocious. Have you not seen my recent Pinterest featuring Rihanna’s latest look?
Me: But back to the pain and the suffering. Why do we have to suffer God? Haven’t we learned enough?
God: By the looks of your hairstyle, no.
Me: Tell me the future. Will humans survive? How many years do we have left? Is this planet toast? Will global warming do us in?
God: George Clooney is getting married.
Me: I…I don’t understand.
God: Yes, I was just as shocked as you.
Me: I….
God: What people don’t realize is he was actually married to actress Talia Balsam from 1989 to 1993.
Me: Huh. Good to know. So anyway, is the world going to end, God? Is it too late? Can you tell me anything about the future at all? Is there hope for the human race?
God: Beyoncé will get a new haircut.
Me: Um…
God: Three of them in the next year. She’ll go from pixie to shag to a very sassy bob.
Me: Forgive me, God, but uh….I don’t really care about that stuff.
God: Oh of course you do, dear child! It’s all you people down here talk about!
Me: You people? Well, not all of us. And if we do, you sorta created us so…
God: Create you? {scoffs] Ha! No, I’m not responsible. Nope. Nuh-uh. Can’t blame me for that one.
Me: You did. All of us. You created everyone. And you gave us all free will.
God: Ooooh. Yeah. I guess I did, didn’t I?
Me: Yep.
God: Well, this certainly is depressing.
Me: It is.
God: Hey! I know what will cheer us up! Selfie time!
Me: No–uh, I really don’t want to–
[God holds up gold iPhone, leans in close. Phone clicks.]
God: [looks down at phone] Ah! Nope, do-over. I look way too fat.
[Holds up iPhone, more clicks.]
God: [frowns] Still awful. No worries! It’s salvageable. [taps screen] Hmm…go to Instagram…maybe change the color tone here…add some soft focus there…ooh! We look sa-weet in Orton! I’ll post it on your Facebook wall. Because peeps be jealz! Because right?
Me: Right. I guess.
God: I know, right?
Me: Right.
God: I know, right?
Me: R-right, sure whatever–look, we done here? I’ve got some folding to do.
God: [stares intently down at phone, dismisses me with a wave] Yeah, I’m good. Huzzah! Already 5.5 million likes on our selfie!
Me: Great. So..thanks for dropping in…
God: [taps phone] Huh? Hey, no problemo. [frowns] Gah! So frustrating! Have you gotten past level 352 on Candy Crush yet? I don’t think it’s possible, I mean, seriously?[groans] So can you send me some lives? I’m outta of lives again.
Me: Sure, anything for you God.
God: Oh, and I give it 3 years max.
Me: [gasps] The world will end in 3 years?
God: What? No! George Clooney’s marriage.
[bolt of lightning flashes, God fades into a pinpoint of light and disappears]
She's A Maineiac 
I love the way this post looks on my tabs: When God’s Your Facebook Friend | She’s a Maineiac. Reading the post, I’d have to agree. 🙂
I’m glad God seems to have the same body issues I do. It makes me feel spiritual or something.
And he kept asking me if the bright light made his butt look big. So annoying.
God sounds like He’s been spending too much time thumbing through the latest issue of Us Weekly. I always thought of Him as more of a Mad Magazine kind of guy.
Is God a queen? I am a little disappointed to learn he/she reads People mag, but I agree that candy crush is the devil incarnate.
I finally broke free from Candy Crush’s grip. But I still read People occasionally. I guess I’m shallow but only part-time.
Haven’t stopped smiling..
You must have fallen down whilst folding that mountain of laundry and hit your head. Hard. You should probably get that looked at.
I echo that thought too. Absolutely hilarious.
I hope next time to actually get knocked unconscious so someone else would have to fold the laundry for a change.
yep – that about says it – am disappointed that George Clooney is not god though
I still have a sneaking suspicion he and Brad Pitt are calling all the shots. I mean, they broke into the Bellagio’s vault so they can do anything.
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
Ha! Is it wrong that only 2.7% of me read this as fiction? And I totally just Googled Talia Balsam.
The saddest part about writing this post was when I also had to google Talia Balsam. That was probably the lowest point of my life so far, JD.
So we really were created in His image? That explains a lot. Thank you, Darla.
Free will always gets us into trouble, Charles.
God is such a gossip! He better not have said anything about me
Oh he told me things. You really shouldn’t have had that last drink while you were vacationing in Spain.
I’ll unfriend him on Facebook
God really does have a Facebook page. I follow him. He’s pretty funny. Check it out. But watch out for the smite’s.
Get out! I love it. He seems a lot nicer on his facebook page, full of goodwill and love and not a single mention of Beyoncé’s hairstyle.
Clearly, God has been asleep at the wheel.
Yep, can you imagine. I think the rest of us need to wake up a bit.
Am I supposed to take this literally or is it more of a metaphor or allegorical or what? I can’t ever remember which is which. Ha! There is nothing more profound than folding laundry, right?
Hmm…this heavy question would probably best be answered by George Clooney. He knows everything.
Okay, I’ll ask him next time he stops by for dinner. Although last time he showed up with a Merlot when I clearly said we were having seafood. Gahhhh! That George, he’s so unreliable.
Beyoncé.. pixie.. Srsly??
Don’t smite me, Bro.. uh, Dad. ❤
I know. I mean if there’s anything worthwhile I’ve learned in this life, it’s you have to have the correct bone structure to pull off a pixie.
ROFL
If God was as shallow as we all are, then we’re definitely doomed.
Good thing He’s not. 🙂
Yeah
Yup. Exactly.
George Clooney was married? WTF? My world will never be the same.
I know. I had to sit down when I heard the news.
I’m so jealous. The closest I’ve gotten to a selfie with God was the time a guy dressed as Jesus photobombed our family photo.
The only problem with my selfie with God is it’s way too bright for anyone to make out my face. So disappointing. Because it’s all about me.
That’s exactly what Jesus said.
Terrific post. Did God get in on the Facebook IPO?
He was too busy sending me all those candy crush requests.
Reblogged this on theowlladyblog.
The Vegas odds makers have it at 2 to 1 that Beyonce will not go to a shag this year. Thanks to you I now have an in.
*dashes off to make a phone call*
Pixie or shag? I’m on the edge of my seat.
Bahaha! Well played, this is hilarious!
Haha! Awesome.
God, eh? Yeah, they always say that – or Napoleon, but as you are North American it would probably rather be George .. Washington.
I may be responsible for this. I defriended him when he let “Shakespeare in Love” win over “Saving Private Ryan” for best picture.and since then he is obsessed with Hollywood.
I knew it was you, Al.
I like that’s God’s iphone is gold. Sha-blam!
Oh he gets all the good techy stuff before anyone else. It’s all about the bling with him.
Love it, he’s as shallow as we apparently are.
He just texted me that our selfie now has 2.5 billion likes. Show-off.
Lol 😉
A selfie with God? I think you would have “been blinded by the light.” Made me chuckle, Darla. 😉
I was going to post a photo of our selfie but I didn’t want to burn out your retinas.
Well, thank you for that then. 😉
Best. Post. Ever. LOLOL
Hahaha gossiping with god👍 really nice😊
But, but … I wanna see the selfie.
I want to see that selfie! What did he look like? 🙂 Great post! 🙂
Are we sure God and Perez Hilton aren’t the same person?
No wonder the planet’s in such a state. God’s too obsessed with media gossip and Candy Crush to notice 🙂
To think he didn’t even offer to help with that mountain of laundry…very un-godlike indeed…we’re doomed.
Nailed it.
Personally, I would block her immediately.
Geez, when I’m doing laundry, the most exciting thing that happens is discovering a faded, very clean dollar bill in the pocket of the pants I’m folding.
This seems to indicate that God is really a contributing editor on Star magazine (?)
Only thing this conversation is missing is a half-dozen hashtags or so. #forrealz
This really got me smiling which given all the sad developments around the world is no easy task. I love you blog!
What kind of laundry detergent are you using, exactly?
Loved it!
Hilarious. “Have you not seen my recent Pinterest featuring Rihanna’s latest look?” I was already peeing my pants at this point.
Hilarious! This title caught my eye and I was certainly not disappointed!
Reblogged this on andishambledafterthem.