Are you there God? It’s me, jackass.
I’ve been reading several books on near death experiences about people who’ve apparently died, only to come back to life so they can tell us what happens when you cross over.
Most of the stories are similar: there’s a long tunnel, a bright light,
all-encompassing love, indescribable peace…yadda, yadda, yadda…
But then a lucky few (or unlucky few) go so far over to the other side, they undergo a type of “life review”. They are shown clips of their past life events in hi-def surround-sound quality. If that wasn’t jarring enough, the person is also reliving certain moments of their life with the “Creator” by their side.
This is the part that worries me. What exactly does God know? Does she see everything? Every single thing I do or think in my entire life? Even the super secret stuff?
If so, I apologize in advance for the following:
- Every day I announce I’m on a diet and “this time I really mean it!”
Then during my lunch break, I inhale a Big Mac and fries in a remote parking lot while gently weeping. - When the trash can is overflowing, instead of emptying it, I just cram the next bit of trash down in there, quickly close the lid, and run away cackling.
- That obnoxious driver at the stop light blasting music so loud it rattles all the cars around it?
Me.
- I love Coldplay. All of it. Every song. And I blast it at stop lights.
- Sometimes in the middle of the night I creep out to the kitchen in the dark and shove a steady stream of chocolate chips down my pie hole while hovering over the sink.
- Once I willingly ate at Kentucky Fried Chicken. And liked it.
- Whenever I’m home alone, the first thing I do is take off my bra and throw it on top of the ficus plant. Then I park my ass on the couch, watch a marathon of Big Brother Celebrity Edition, drink a couple beers, devour a large extra-greasy bucket of fried chicken carcass, and burp and fart myself into oblivion.
- I think cute pocket-sized puppies are annoying little yippy shits sent to Earth to destroy me.
- I think Adele’s voice is too breathy and overrated.
- Once I hid my mom’s meatloaf in my napkin, then excused myself so I could discretely flush it down the toilet.
This was yesterday.
- Sometimes instead of actually brushing my teeth, I would pretend by running some water from the faucet and swishing the toothbrush around for awhile.
This was yesterday.
- I try not to be jealous. But whenever I scroll through a friend’s Instagram photos of her ridiculous f***ing bare feet resting next to a f***ing sparkling cocktail with a stupid-ass frilly umbrella on the f***ing beach in the f***ing Bahamas, I tend to swear out loud a little.
- I do not like Stranger Things. Not even a tiny bit.
Ah! That felt good! The truth CAN set you free!
Anything you’d like to share in the comments so God will go a little easier on you later?
She's A Maineiac 
This sorrowful litany is so obviously heart-felt, I’m sure it will be a get out of jail free card for you. And don’t worry – if God is a she, she’ll totally get the Big Mac and chocolate chips part.
Hey, I’m first in with a comment! Monday is looking brighter already – whooo hoooo!!!!
I need to get out more.
And I am sooooo happy you’re here! makes the sound of crickets fade away for a bit. 🙂
It’s Monday and I’m at home not working for a change, so it’s a good day already. But we are getting yet another blizzard tomorrow. Sigh. I think I’ll go have a Big Mac in a few….
True dat.
Yes, Darla, I’m afraid I’ve have been tuned into every little burp and fart. And I saw you eat that booger too. That was also yesterday. As for the traffic light thing, I tknew that was you! For the record, the police now have your license plate number, thank me.
[speaking in a very snotty tone] Oh, well, I would NEVER eat a booger! Big Mac yes. (they are actually quite similar…)
Thanks for making me chuckle this morning. I really needed it. Confession time: I can’t stand to see my friends and family’s kids on Facebook. The kids who have no learning issues, or mental health issues. The kids who can handle going to school, who do things like organized activities, who are on the honor roll, who are moving on to having girlfriends and boyfriends. Yes. I’m jealous of people I know who have normal kids.
Yep, jealousy is a hard thing to deal with. I hear you.
Damn you crack me up
I try!
Ha! I can relate to plenty of the items in your list. Very funny-thanks for the laughs.
You are welcome. thanks for reading and commenting!
Thank you for the wonderful chuckles. I actually read much of this out loud to my wife (who loves to rip her bra off as soon as she arrives home, much to the disgust of her teenage daughter). Alas, no ficus plant here to be adorned with my wife’s hooter hangers, but she likes putting it in new places for her daughter to become annoyed by.
“Hooter hangers”? LOVE it. My kids are absolutely horrified to find my bras and the older I get, the less I care….
I’m introducing my wife to the tv show “Six Feet Under.” Last night’s episode is when one of the characters (Claire) flushes a piece of vegetarian “meatloaf” down the toilet. Gotta love synchronicity. Great post. – Marty
Ha! Love synchronicity too! Thanks for reading, Marty.
I have an intolerance for both my bra and pants and scatter clothes all over the house when I get home from anywhere, but decorating plants would be more fun. I agree about Adele. Wow! It feels so good to admit that publicly. And I’m eating chocolate chips right now, while I wait for the next snowmaggedon. Sigh. I suppose I’ll work most of them off while I shovel.
Well, for years my husband would take his pants off and waltz around the house in his underwear so I figured it was time for me to ditch the dreaded bra now and then.
So happy to know someone on this planet agrees with me about Adele. I just don’t get it.
Enjoy the blizzard if you can. (I know I won’t)
I am totally bummed about the blizzard. But I’m home, warm and drinking a glass of wine so I suppose it could be a lot worse!
Because Stranger Things has a documentary-quality for you? Is that your objection?
Now that you mention it, yes. I do have painful memories of that innocent time…mostly involving bad hairstyle choices….
Agree with so much here – especially Adele’s breathless over-rated voice…….. gah!
I like to listen to Jenny McCarthy talk/swear about pop culture ~ fun times 🙂
MJ
ooh! Another one who doesn’t care for Adele! YES
I’ll tell you a little-known life hack: when you post a photo of feet on a sunny beach with turquoise waters, with a cocktail on a chair, 99.6% of your Facebook friends won’t know that the feet aren’t yours.
I do believe you are a genius, sir. (races off to google “feet pics at the beach”)
When you get to Heaven and you hear Merle Haggard music playing loudly from beyond the gate, you will regret your mistaken affection for, ugh, Coldplay. Coldplay? Really?
Sad but true. Even I can admit it’s an awful thing to like Coldplay. However, I do love other actual GOOD music so that should redeem me later on when I meet God.
I have CLOSE relatives that even travelled to Ireland to go to a Coldplay concert. I still love them (the relatives). But it takes patience when we go to visit.
You are a saint. My husband also has loads of patience—Coldplay is grounds for divorce.
Hell yes to shoving an empty packet into the bin and running away cackling, even when it’s overflowing and the kitchen floor is covered in egg shells and chicken bones.
I watch episodes of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares US over and over.
I gnash off lumps of cheese from the block at 11pm like a manic rat that’s never eaten in her life.
I also tried KFC for the fourth time in my entire life a couple of weeks ago, and it was literally the best thing I’ve ever eaten.
I send passive aggressive emails to ineffectual, non-responding colleagues, the clear connotations of which are always ‘You are a useless waste of space and I despise you and your family’ and I smile evilly as I press send.
I enjoy all of these things and I don’t care if even God knows it.
PS. This is a delightful blog.
We love Kitchen Nightmares! Especially when he finds black mold in the deep fat fryer and tastes it and pukes on someone’s Caesar salad. My daughter watches every single one of his 127 TV shows.
I once heard someone say “Coldplay is the poor man’s version of U2.” I say, Coldplay is lyrical genius. Hope all is well. It’s been a while.
Love your comment. All is well, thank you! Good to “see” you again!
I once bent over to pick up my dog’s poop, doing the whole bag-flipped-inside-out thing as cars walked by, but then left the poop there because it was really mushy. This was yesterday.
Bwa ha hahaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Having had my own brush with death a year and a half ago, I can say that I have no memory of a tunnel with a bright light. I have had a couple of dreams where I’m visited by my father and grandfather who passed away before my incident, and I wonder if that is some sort of subconscious memory of almost crossing over. Who knows?
I would not be ashamed to say that I love Coldplay, and I don’t know of a woman who doesn’t rip her bra off first thing when she gets home!
Coldplay, taking bras off and seeing dead people? Me in a nutshell.
I love this. ❤️❤️
Thank you!
Ok, see! I’m notoriously late to parties but I show up. And see! You get an amazing number of likes that admittedly (if God is listening) makes me so jealous. Like, So. Jealous. And see! You are so clever and funny, and your posts make me laugh every time… even when you share something more personal, because you make that funny too. I’m not nearly as funny and witty. I think folks run from my posts because they’re too long and too serious. And see! We have like chatted in comments, mine and now yours, for much of a morning, and it makes me smile. So soldier on soldier… you have a lot of good shit to say!
Aw, thanks so much for saying so. Most days I truly do not feel clever or funny in the slightest! But I do appreciate your comments and will take them to heart. (and maybe I will dust off some of those half-baked posts…)
Well, on those days, take my word for it… I’m rarely wrong! 😉 xo
I don’t mind Stranger Things, but that’s just me. Bob