Well, ho ho ho and shut the front door!
It’s that time once again to look at my Saved By The Bell: “Slater Wears Tiny Tank Tops” desk calendar and say to my cat, “Hold up — another year’s gone in the blink of Screech’s lazy eye? What the hell? Is this how time works? Yeah, well screw you, Einstein!”
And for god’s sake, shut the front door. It’s pretty friggin’ cold out.
2016 has proven to be quite the stellar year! And by “stellar” I mean an absolute shit show from start to finish! You too?! Come join me as I zip down memory lane at lightning speed on my greased-up sled and crash land into a Wal-Mart parking lot!
Here’s a quick rundown of the Maineiac family’s year. We’ll start with our 10-year-old daughter.
She spent five solid months of 2016 begging for one gift from Santa. It’s something every hellion in this country wants to get their grubby little hands on Christmas Day.
No, not a Cabbage Patch doll. Not a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Not even a Tickle-Me-Cabbage (I wish). But a stupidly overpriced mutant Furby inside a plastic egg, aka the Hatchimal.
That’s right–it’s an egg! With a toy inside! What will these crazy toy manufacturers think of next?
My bet is more useless plastic.
My husband and I stopped at Target last week to find a long line of Hatchimal-less losers standing outside in sub-zero temps. They sold out of 38 of the things in 8 seconds. And no, we did not stand outside for them. I wouldn’t stand in line for hours on a warm summer day for two tickets to a “Back from the Dead” Beatles reunion.
But as luck would have it, some 38-year-old man living in his mom’s basement is selling them on eBay for 300 bucks a pop. Why, just take out a hefty loan or sell your soul to the devil and this little gem could be collecting dust at the bottom of your child’s closet in no time!
After we informed our daughter that Santa might not deliver a Hatchimal this Christmas, this is the following conversation we had with her:
Her: But I really really really really really really really really REALLY want one!
Mr. Maineiac: Really?
Me: Hey, know what I got for Christmas when I was your age?
Her: What?
Me: A Nancy Drew book. Then my brother sat on my head and farted.
Mr. Maineiac: You know what I got one year?
Her: What?
Mr. Maineiac: A penny. And I had to share it with my two sisters. We all took turns holding it. Then they both sat on my head and farted.
Her (pouting): But I want a Hatchimal!
Us (pouting): Where’s that wine?
Next up, my teenage son. Let’s check in and see how his year’s been going!
(And that really isn’t my son. …but y’know what though? It could be. I haven’t seen his face in about 2 years.)
Finally, let’s check in with my dear ol’ Ma. She spent the better part of 2016 telling me how much she detests Trump. I was talking with her on the phone and tried to change the subject of his upcoming presidency by bringing up other horrible reality TV shows.
Me: Hey, have you seen Naked and Afraid lately?
Mom: No, too icky! I get enough nausea from seeing Trump on the news every damn day. Did ya see that other show?
Me: Which one?
Mom: Y’know the one! That SHOW!
Me: Oh, yeah! Sure! THAT one!
Mom: Where the guy is married to all those crazy women?
Me: Sister Wives?
Mom: It’s ridiculous! First off, that man is not attractive AT ALL. And secondly, he’s ugly. What is wrong with all those women? I wanna see a woman married to four men! Let’s see that! Brother Husbands!
Me: Good idea!
Mom: Jeezum crow, did you see what Trump the Dump did now?
Me: Oops, gotta go! Time for more Hatchimal hunting!
________________________________________________
And how was your year? Let me know so I can be totes jealz!
Happy holidays, everyone!
She's A Maineiac 
I’m pretty sure I had the same year as your Mom.
I’m not shocked by this news. What is shocking to me is my mom is a registered Republican. (true story) But now she’s come around to the democratic side of things. She’s currently reading Bernie’s new book.
Haha! You still got it, Darla. May your whole family have a fantastic winter break and Happy New Year!
PS Never heard of a Hatchimal. Thankfully, none of my kids have either.
Me neither. Thank goodness Darla can keep us up to speed on what the kool kids are up to.
Sometimes I wish to god I didn’t know what “kool” was anymore. I’d have much more money in my pocket.
Aren’t your kiddos homeschooled? Because I swear to Santa the public school here makes the kids take Hatchimals 101.
All good advertisers know that tweens are the best target audience. They will wear their parents DOWN better than water-boarding.
Two and two (girls went back to bricks-and-mortar, boys are still on-line public). We still can’t escape the fad toys which do come and go as GDP requires.
Sadly, no one can escape the lure of useless plastic.
Have a happy holiday, Shan!
Thanks, Shan! You too!
Hatichimal Smatchimal. I think you just need to write this year off. However, I suggest you get in line now for next year’s hot toy item, even though you don’t know what it is yet.
Oh, and I’m sorry your brother sat on your head and farted. Perhaps the CIA should use that instead of water-boarding.
I’ve often wondered why the government doesn’t just bottle up my brother’s farts and drop them out of planes.
I’m guessing it has something to do with Global Warming.
Ah, that explains it!
2016 started OK and is finishing on a high, but the bits in between were a bit dodgy!
Well, I’m happy to know it’s finishing on a high note for you. My year is looking up now that I saw this weekend we’ll be at a balmy 30 degrees. Break out the bikini, baby!
I’d trade my year for yours in a second. Wanna homeschool my kid for me? Please tell Mr. Maineac that I feel for him, having to share his penny with his 2 sisters. I grew up with two brothers. Need I say more? I think this is one of those years we’re very glad to kiss goodbye, but I don’t think 2017 is going to be much more fun.
I couldn’t homeschool anyone’s kid, trust me. I have endless respect for those that do. It’s all I can handle trying to work from home while my cat decides that my computer keyboard is her new bed. She’s looking at me right now with such disgust. Better get back to work, I guess…Have a happy holiday, Susan!
Thanks Darla. You too!
I don’t have to give my kids anything for Christmas yet, but a few years from now I guess I’ll also be looking for this year’s IT plastic toy.
Also, politically, 2016 was a stellar year – an orange gas giant has sucked enough white dwarfs into his orbit to turn us all into a black hole.
That is the best description of this year I’ve read so far.
Happy holidays to you, X!
For 300 bucks, I will sit in an egg until someone hatches me.
Haha! Me too.
Not cold here, going to be another bloody hot day here just saying, been a mixed year with happiness and sadness and some what the hell moments
That about sums up my year too! A lot of “what the hell” moments…
How’s your mom’s presidential campaign plan progressing?
Well, on Christmas Day she’s planning on riding the escalator down into the food court and handing out Hatchimals. I think she’s got this election in the bag.
She’s got my vote! The Jeezum Crow Contingent. 🙂
She’d be throwing “jeezum crows” all over the place. She’d take the world by storm.
Oh, if she is giving away Hatchimals, that’s it.
Good luck with that egg thingy – I predict they’ll be collecting dust in closets all over America by Valentine’s Day.
Exactly. I have a feeling they’ll be more Hatchimals on Target shelves than Target employees.
Maybe you could find one of those plastic eggs that pantyhose used to come in back in the ’70s and put some glitter on it. Stick a rock inside, presto, fossilized Hatchimal! Happy Holidays.
EXCELLENT idea! Although, I’d be sure to suffer the Wrath of a Tween for the rest of my life.
Happy holidays to you, Honie!
Wrath of A Tween! Ha, sounds like the title of a B movie.
Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.
Thanks for the reblog!
My neighbor, who is in his 30″s but looked about 70 the other day after Hatchible hunting, has surrendered to leaving his kid an IOU from Santa.
If it makes you feel any better, my “kids” are 21 & 23 and wand the iPhone 7 … Um yea no.
My son is 14 and actually told me he wants the iPad.
Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
It’s been a hell of a year here in Michigan. Too much illness in the family this year. House fire May 18th which also claimed both our Honda cars. New home built and in final installation of those essential things like running water and sinks today. New beds being delivered Fri and treasures I bought this summer at many sales coming out of storage Fri as well. We plan on staying there Fri night. That’s the best Christmas gift for me and hubby. Merry merry and happy new year to you!
Yeah! You’ll be in your fabulous new home for Christmas!
I think Tar should invite me and you over for some hot toddies and fruit cake for a housewarming party…
So happy to hear you’re making progress with the new digs! What a horrible ordeal to go through, though. Merry merry and happy happy to you, too! 🙂
I went to Walmart at 10:30 last night looking for something for our 10-year-old nephew and wandered up and down the (mostly) empty aisles for an hour. I was totally flumoxed by the choices. When did they narrow down to animated, chubby plastic food items suitable for 3-year-olds and $200 drones so sophisticated the US Army could use them for surveillance?
I settled on something and I’m really looking forward to Christmas morning when he opens my gift and that child-like sneer of condescension spreads over his face at his clueless, elderly aunt.
Merry, merry Christmas, Miss Darla!
This is why I only give my angst-riddled tween cold hard cash.
See you at Tar’s later! I’ll bring the hot buttered rum! (see above comment to Tar…)
I hate to laugh at other’s Christmas dramas (God knows we scurried to find one of the first Barnies!), but thanks for this laugh; I needed it! Happy happy to you and yours
Stop on by TFTM and join the annual 50 Happy Things; I’d so love to read yours!
Oh lordy lordy, yes. Barney! Good god that was terrible. My son also wanted Teletubbies when he was two. That was the hardest gift I had to purchase with a straight face. Happy happy holidays to you, Dawn! I’ll stop on by your blog later to check things out.
tinky winky, tinky winky… 😉
Yes, it was a sucky year, but after reading your post, I feel better. I mean…I don’t have to go into every retail store, elbowing old women out of the way and looking for an egg like you do. On the other hand, I’m majorly depressed wondering why I didn’t think of putting furballs into plastic toys that won’t even open until you’ve played with them for an unquantified amount of time. Who woulda thought?
And then I remembered the election, and figured this must be backwards year, (like the backwards day high schools used to have when everyone wore their clothes turned around).
I mean…it makes sense doesn’t it? We have a leader the majority didn’t elect. We’re in a frenzy to find toys that we can’t even see because they’re hidden in a shell and will come out when they’re good and ready to be played with.
And if Naked and Afraid isn’t a backward way of camping then I’m flummoxed. I might as well sell all my gear and backpacks on ebay.
(But I’ll hiding little furry animals inside and jacking up the price. The little varmit will come out when it’s ready and hide in the house.
NOW THERE’s a toy with lots of hide and seek play time.
I just came up with a New Year’s resolution: start wearing all my clothes backward. (good to see you, Barb! your comments always crack me up)
If I’d invented Hatchimal I’d be posting this comment from Fiji. [btw, did you watch Survivor? Isn’t Fiji the best local ever?]
I would never marry more than one woman at a time. Do you know what multiple wives mean? Multiple mothers-in-law. NO THANK YOU.
You’ve activated the snowing motif but your background is white so you can’t see it very well. Is that a message? Merry Christmas. Gets pretty dark pretty early up there, don’t it?
OMFG I am BEYOND excited about the next Survivor!!! (Look–I even used OMFG! and lots of exclamation points!!!) My daughter and I loved the last season but I cried buckets watching the finale. We are super thrilled that our faves, bromance Tai and Caleb are returning. And Malcolm! and JT! and Ozzy!
I think the blog snow is appropriate. We had a No’eastah a few days ago. 18 inches in three hours. Yes, 6 inches and hour. And our power was out for 36 soul-sucking hours. We were one of the last houses in the frickin state to get power back on. Good times.
And how’s your New Year going so far?
I don’t want to appear calloused but I think he played the cancer card at the very last moment strategically. He kept it a deep dark secret from everyone until it was advantageous not to. Am I the only one accusing him of that out loud?
It’s the last day of a two week holiday for me. I thought I’d be chomping at the bit to get back to work and away from family chaos but the fact is I have the deep blue blues about going back to work tomorrow. I’m just not ready.
I read about your snow and have been wondering about you. What a bunch of showoffs you guys are
Oh no, I thought the same thing. As much as I cried while hearing about his mom dying, I was thinking “that clever sonofabitch”.
Oh and I barely escaped that snowstorm with a shred of sanity. I swear to god I’m buying a one way ticket to Aruba this year. I’ll get a job bartending.
Brother husbands – BA HA HA HA!!
This year has been one big dumpster fire after another – bring on 2017!!
MJ
But what if 2017 is (gulp) even worse?! No, it can’t be! Can it?
I’d laugh about the egg if I hadn’t had a young daughter when the Cabbage Patch Kids came out. Our local big box store built a special display full of Cabbage Patch Kids in October, and my daughter wasn’t interested in them at all. On December 20, she decided that was all she wanted… Fortunately, her aunt found the last one in the city. The doll’s name was Theodore, and he was bald. It didn’t matter to daughter – it was a Cabbage Patch doll!
haha! A bald Theodore! I was a kid when they came out and I had ZERO interest. I thought they were ugly dolls then and I do now. All I wanted was the Little House books and a Barbie. My parents had it so easy back then.
At one point during Christmas day, I realized all three of our teenagers were sitting on the couch next to each other looking at their iPods. Suddenly, they all looked up from their devices simultaneously (albeit with a look of horror) and I thought it was a Christmas miracle! Then I realized my wife had walked into the kitchen and pulled the Wi-Fi plug. Oh well.
Anyway Darla, although belated, wishing you and your family the best for the holidays and especially the New Year!
Haha! Oh my. We lost power last week for almost 2 days due to a blizzard and let me just say one word about it: Armageddon.
Hahahaha! I can imagine. But would rather not.
Cheers and Happy New Year, Darla 😉
Hey hey Darla, sounds like quite a year! 🙂 I feel I have particularly under-achieved this year in many areas but over-achieved in others, and it all balances out right? Did you end the year Hatchimal-less then?
It is all about balance. I’ve under-achieved in making money, but over-achieved in catching up on old Golden Girls episodes while wearing my bathrobe and eating ice cream.
And yes, I ended up with NO Hatchimal. we were just at Target last week, and I asked my daughter if she was sad she didn’t get one, and she shrugged and said, “Nah, I don’t like ’em anymore.”
GAHHHHH!
I laughed out loud both times siblings farted on heads. I’m still laughing as I type this.
I can’t count the number of times my kids asked for a gift and I’d make up a story about something terrible I got as a kid. ‘When I was eight more than anything I wanted a Teddy Ruxpin. And when I woke up Christmas morning, guess what I found under the tree? Grandpa, dead of a heart attack.’
Making you laugh out loud was one of my (many) New Year’s resolutions! I’m guessing you have siblings too? That dead grandpa story should be your opening line at your next stand-up show.
I have five siblings, and I know there’s nothing worse than a fart on the head. I credit my siblings for training me to not take life too seriously. It’s hard to get worked up over a boss yelling at you once you’ve had a fart on the head.
I do like that grandpa line. I’ll have to make a list of good jokes that were inspired by commenting on your blog. You once interviewed me years ago and I made up a story about how my wife and I met and I’ve been using that in stand-up for years.
I had a feeling you were farted on a lot as a kid.
And yes! That interview was classic stuff! You said you met her on the subway and she was wearing Prada (I think….I’m losing my memory fast lately)
Yes, a beautiful woman on the bus wearing designer shoes. I usually ask a couple in the audience how they met, and then I say the most romantic day of my life was the day I met my wife. I lock eyes with a beautiful woman on a bus, I make my way over, and open my mouth to speak, but my phone rings. I turn to take it and when I turn back the woman is gone. But the phone call was my brother setting me up on a blind date who turned out to be my future wife. And then I stare into the distance for a long time before saying, ‘But not a day goes by I don’t think of that woman on the bus.’
Love it! hahahaaaa!
Jeezum Crow, Darla. Is it 2017 already?
My head and nose were spared. Maybe that’s my problem! Here’s to more laughter in the new year. *clink*