Well, ho ho ho and shut the front door!
It’s that time once again to look at my Saved By The Bell: “Slater Wears Tiny Tank Tops” desk calendar and say to my cat, “Hold up — another year’s gone in the blink of Screech’s lazy eye? What the hell? Is this how time works? Yeah, well screw you, Einstein!”
And for god’s sake, shut the front door. It’s pretty friggin’ cold out.
2016 has proven to be quite the stellar year! And by “stellar” I mean an absolute shit show from start to finish! You too?! Come join me as I zip down memory lane at lightning speed on my greased-up sled and crash land into a Wal-Mart parking lot!
Here’s a quick rundown of the Maineiac family’s year. We’ll start with our 10-year-old daughter.
She spent five solid months of 2016 begging for one gift from Santa. It’s something every hellion in this country wants to get their grubby little hands on Christmas Day.
No, not a Cabbage Patch doll. Not a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Not even a Tickle-Me-Cabbage (I wish). But a stupidly overpriced mutant Furby inside a plastic egg, aka the Hatchimal.
That’s right–it’s an egg! With a toy inside! What will these crazy toy manufacturers think of next?
My bet is more useless plastic.
My husband and I stopped at Target last week to find a long line of Hatchimal-less losers standing outside in sub-zero temps. They sold out of 38 of the things in 8 seconds. And no, we did not stand outside for them. I wouldn’t stand in line for hours on a warm summer day for two tickets to a “Back from the Dead” Beatles reunion.
But as luck would have it, some 38-year-old man living in his mom’s basement is selling them on eBay for 300 bucks a pop. Why, just take out a hefty loan or sell your soul to the devil and this little gem could be collecting dust at the bottom of your child’s closet in no time!
After we informed our daughter that Santa might not deliver a Hatchimal this Christmas, this is the following conversation we had with her:
Her: But I really really really really really really really really REALLY want one!
Mr. Maineiac: Really?
Me: Hey, know what I got for Christmas when I was your age?
Me: A Nancy Drew book. Then my brother sat on my head and farted.
Mr. Maineiac: You know what I got one year?
Mr. Maineiac: A penny. And I had to share it with my two sisters. We all took turns holding it. Then they both sat on my head and farted.
Her (pouting): But I want a Hatchimal!
Us (pouting): Where’s that wine?
Next up, my teenage son. Let’s check in and see how his year’s been going!
Ooooookay! That’s all I could get out of him.
(And that really isn’t my son. …but y’know what though? It could be. I haven’t seen his face in about 2 years.)
Finally, let’s check in with my dear ol’ Ma. She spent the better part of 2016 telling me how much she detests Trump. I was talking with her on the phone and tried to change the subject of his upcoming presidency by bringing up other horrible reality TV shows.
Me: Hey, have you seen Naked and Afraid lately?
Mom: No, too icky! I get enough nausea from seeing Trump on the news every damn day. Did ya see that other show?
Me: Which one?
Mom: Y’know the one! That SHOW!
Me: Oh, yeah! Sure! THAT one!
Mom: Where the guy is married to all those crazy women?
Me: Sister Wives?
Mom: It’s ridiculous! First off, that man is not attractive AT ALL. And secondly, he’s ugly. What is wrong with all those women? I wanna see a woman married to four men! Let’s see that! Brother Husbands!
Me: Good idea!
Mom: Jeezum crow, did you see what Trump the Dump did now?
Me: Oops, gotta go! Time for more Hatchimal hunting!
And how was your year? Let me know so I can be totes jealz!
Happy holidays, everyone!