Quick, what rhymes with Franco?

The following vlog was inspired by James Franco’s poetry reading he recently did for Obama’s inauguration. (Franco was very good in Freaks and Geeks, love him.)

It’s a poem about being a mom.

A mom desperate to get through yet another hectic morning without having a nervous breakdown.

Watch my video to see if I can make it through another day.

Mourning My Morning

In the earliest unborn hours of the morning, my heart beats, frantic with a
rushing of blood, pounding incessantly…


Overshadowed only by the digusting guttural groans emanating
from my husband’s gaping maw
as he snores and slumbers beside me…

I want to reach out, slam his windpipe with my pillow–
–but I resist–
always resisting….


Morning breaks, my mind cracks like an egg
dripping over the edge of a moldy crust,
undercooked and runny

Needs more salt.

But sandwiches are to be peanut buttered!
juice boxes to be tossed around!
hair  to be untangled!

Untangle the mess….

a frantic dance of


Have you seen my socks?

Where are the keys?

Will you help me construct a diorama of a rainforest using only toothpicks and glitter?
….Mrs. Hardison says it’s due today


Disaster strikes.

“Someone spilled my Cheerios!” I cry.
“Look! All over the floor!”

“Did you spill them?” I ask my son.

His attention elsewhere…always elsewhere….

“Someone spilled my CHEERIOS!”
I wail, my plantive cry falling on deaf tween ears, ears that only respond to digital beeps.

My son–hazel eyes forever glued to the tiny magic box, glowing ghastly white.

“Someone spilled my cheerios….”…I sputter to no one, hopeless,
the taste of sweet oats and honey forever lost to my lips.

He finally turns his head, raises his brow,

and the insidious words roll off his tongue
like water off a paritally submerged iPhone in a dirty toilet:

“Whatevs, Mom” he says.




81 thoughts on “Quick, what rhymes with Franco?

  1. BOOM! HA! Oh. My. God. This was so worth the wait. I’m going to get myself in trouble here, with the headphones and the stifled laughter and the why-the-hell-is-everyone-here-at-the-office-so-early?!

    Needs more salt and whatevs got me, especially. Oh wow. The title of this post kills me, too.

    1. I was going to title this “Fun With Poetry” but I wanted people to actually click on it.

      It was very hard to get through this without laughing, JD. But thankfully, I’ve got the deadpan thing going on because I was born on the same day as Bob Newhart.

  2. OneHotMess

    I only have one child to get ready for school in the morning, but he has to be up to the bus stop just as the sun is rising. I look back to when my six adult children were little and I have no idea how I did it. I remember getting them all into the car one morning and yelling, “Hurry, hurry! Don’t you know what that word means by now?” Then I spied a sweet little old man within earshot…

    1. Well, I bow down to you for sure! My mom had to raise six of us as well. I honestly don’t know how she did it. I am dreaded in a few years when my son has to get on an even earlier bus to go to middle school. It actually picks the kids up at 6:55 am. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

      1. OneHotMess

        That is extremely wrong, but so very Maine. I get up at 5:30 a.m. each week day morning just so that I *might* get 30 minutes alone to have a cup of coffee.

          1. OneHotMess

            I am a firm, and lifelong, believer in a good nap. I am a crappy sleeper as it is, nap or no nap. I went to bed late last night—way late–almost midnight and the child was with his father so I didn’t have to get up. I woke up at 5 a.m., wide awake. I am post menopausal, though, so…;-)

          2. I was up watching the game. I figured I’d sleep in at least until 5 am. But nope. Wide awake at 3. I do blame hormones. I am not entirely post menopausal, more like stuck right in the middle of menopausal. I don’t see an end to this either. I think I’m doomed to never sleep a solid 7 hours again.

          3. OneHotMess

            Do you want the truth, or a lie? I can’t lie. I totally stink at lying. I am two years out and I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in, well, I cannot remember. I do not think I have even had the uninterrupted hours in that time. You get used to it—sort of…

  3. Your poem was great and funny!!! About your hormones, don’t stress…things get better eventually. I know it sounds lame, but think positive…I always enjoy having the house to myself while everyone is sleeping(I have three kids)….I LOVE the quiet, though I prefer to be sleeping too… 🙂

    1. Oh, that would be wonderful if you did a vlog! If I can do it, anyone can do it. And my hair? haha! The trick is to roll outta bed and don’t do anything to it. I’m lucky it didn’t look worse in that video.

  4. Oh the resisting. I found it oh so hard to resist this morning when he and the entirety of my house was snoozing, while I was up and functional (sorta) at 5:50 am!! And they were all STILL sleeping when I left the house at 7:15. Not ok. Really hard to resist on these kind of mornings. Sigh.

    Your poem was divine and dripping with the painful honesty of a mom’s morning. Bravo!

    1. Jim claims I snore too. Yeah, right. I was up at 5 am today and for me that’s sleeping in. But it’s great because I get to come on here and respond to comments in peace. By the way, Misty, I am truly sorry I said the Ravens make my blood boil. They don’t. I just am not that fond of them. At all. 😉

  5. Ok, your poem made me a bit sad. Maybe it’s because last night I watched my good friend’s 14 year-old daughter roll her eyes at her mother in front of everyone because she breathed funny or something, and it was painful to watch. I know “this too shall pass”, and we were all that 14 year-old once, but it still has got to hurt? How you mothers take that pain and still love them is amazing.

    1. It is amazing! The things us mothers have to endure. This is why Mother’s Day is such a big deal to us. The only day our kids and husband have to pretend to appreciate us. What’s really scary to me is there will be a time when both my kids are teenagers. I am having heart palpitations just thinking about it.

  6. Every mother’s worst nightmare:

    Will you help me construct a diorama of a rainforest using only toothpicks and glitter?
    ….Mrs. Hardison says it’s due today

    This was hilarious!

  7. “What ryhmes with Franco?” How about blank-o? Because that’s how I feel most mornings, drawing a huge blank in my head. Until the alarm goes off for the third time and then true TERROR sets in. The sock thing kills me. My daughter has grown accustomed to wearing mismatched socks. She’s starting a new trend at school.

  8. I sometimes snore – my wife finds it irritating, generally disturbing and disgustiing. My wife occasionally snores as well, she thinks it’s funny and cute.

    As for rhyming with Franco,
    I think I’d pick Panko,

    It’s not just a bread crumb,
    I think you should try some,

      1. Man Code: Section 16, paragraph 8, subsection 3A states: if you can get away with telling a woman she does the same things you do, you are required to do so, even if it’s not true. These offenses include, but are not limited to: snoring, farting in their sleep and rolling their eyes during stories of your high school sports accomplishments.

    1. Okay, what I was really thinking about while reading this…you (and me too) have been doing more and more audio type blogs, vlogs, whatever you call them. It’s like this weird blog evolution… but what’s the next step? It’s getting harder and harder to be funny with just the written word. Don’t you think?? Thinking maybe we need to gather together and start a “Saturday Night Live” of the blogging community… or a “Prairie Home Companion”… or a…. (insert idea here)?!?!?!?!

      1. Ooh!! Yes! Saturday Night Live! God, wouldn’t that be great? Do some stupid sketches…make some video parodies…that would be like, totally awesome, duuuude. (sorry, been hanging around my son too much lately…)

  9. The expression on your face throughout the video is priceless. I was moved by the whole poem, but I was especially stirred by the line “I wanted to reach out, slam his windpipe with my pillow.”

  10. That was…sheer poetry. No, really. At the very end of your recitation (stellar, by the way, simply stellar), YouTube put up a collage of other offerings under the category “Poetry Reading”. They suggest Birches by Robt Frost, Amazing Peace by Maya Angelou, The Sun Rising by John Donne, and a bunch of other peeps who are apparently trying to ride on your coattails and drive traffic to THEIR blogs. Jeesh.

  11. Boy, does this ever take me back
    : “Will you help me construct a diorama of a rainforest using only toothpicks and glitter?
    ….Mrs. Hardison says it’s due today”
    Funny stuff – for someone who’s kids are now adult and going thru the same (the eldest). Frustrating, too, I know. But you’ll survive

  12. Yeh, the morning hair…. please don’t lie. You got up extra early and met with your stylist in the downstairs powder room and he was eating bobby pins and talking through pinched lips and telling you how fabulous you are and then you went upstairs and recorded this vlog. I know that’s how it happened. I just KNOW it!

  13. Your delivery was brilliant! So poignant ‘the sweet taste of oats and honey forever lost to my lips” Your anguish is palatable. This is what Saturday mornings are for, coffee and laughing out loud to blogs.

      1. I wish. I have two days ‘alone’ this weekend, which is giving me time to read and catch up. I hope to write, but inspiration does not always cooperate with time and convenience. It feels good just to read you guys again, though.

  14. Pingback: Unexplained Mysteries of My Universe (Part 2): Blog Anniversary | She's a Maineiac

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